man, i feel stupid.....hahahah=>:D
i guess i'll say i wuz just feeling kinda desparate to be heard and not critisized.
yeah....i really believe so...considering dat everyone dat hears my thoughts only says i should change and be happy....
hahha=>:D i guess i proved my skool friends wrong.......dey all think i'm fine....a smile goes here and dere....den a look of painful sorrow, but dey never notice. my eyes are hollow, like i child craving food because of starvation. i almost broke down in the guidance office.....i wuz shaking all over.....i know i needed help....and if i can't find da help i need....why not run to an adult dat's already been through what i'm going through. hahaha=.:d man....i pick da funniest peeps to help meh.....my guidance counsellor is going through da same thing as meh....dat's da hillarious thing. man.... da aimlessness, da hopelessness will never be filled by any human means....and all i need is GOD.
i wuz a fellowship yesterday....it wuz actually going to be a good lil message. but meh??? i hate church.....i despise myself....i despise everything going on in my church. i love everyone of my youth fellowship...dun get meh wrong....but i really need a change of surroundings. maybe i'm just running away from my problems instead of facing em....but maybe starting all over again would be nice for me. i am never able to achieve what i want....i'm a failure. everyone's a failure.....no one can add up to what dey should. dat's what expectations are i suppose. u always expect more, but never able to achieve da more part of ur expectations.
i've been there, done dat.....too much funky crap. i've had tons of expectations, always never able to fulfill em......made meh feel like nothing at all.....or at least sumthing there dat can't be used......den, i've had no expectations except just to be.....and i suppose i failed that expectation too. which is betta??? a gurl who has no courage to run to peeps and talk about the problems in her mind or one who has the courage to talk about her problems??? i've been both the courageous and coward. the thing i have never been able to change is the thinking part of it. i twist everything deeper than it should be.....but in this world...if everyone wuz soo mindless dat dey never thought much deeper, den u would never find fault. never be realistic. da thing about meh....i'm too realistic. i'm a born pessimistic. to the point of extreme pessimist......dat's da thing......GOD created meh to be happy......with him. and yet time and time again....it's not dat i dun love GOD, i just dun wanna be dere. dun wanna be in da house of GOD. i feel soo unworthy of HIS love. i am unable to love myself, how is sumone supposed to be able to love me???? asking dat question really just broke meh down. really it did. tears fill my eyes. everyone's selfish.....dat's just human nature. dey always think of self first....even if it's just subconsciously.
i'm a miserable christian. sighs sighs. i ask dis all da time and i'm unable to answer it for myself.......what differs meh from a natural born sinner and a sinner with GOD?!?!?!.....to meh....i dun believe dere is a diff with meh. da only diff is dat i am suicidal......but i will never cross the line. i'm stubborn.....born dat way. runs in da family. guess i'm a spoiled brat mind you......if i can't get one thing in a certain way.....i'll get it somehow even if it takes all my effort and strength.
hahaha=>:D funnay.....way too funnay......i'm a split person......da reason being cause i'm too emotional. i used to think i wuz soo strong.....able to carry a lil load off peeps......now....i can't even handle my own. no one runs to meh with dere problems n e more.....only like one. and i guess i cause more problems for da person dat runs to meh for help is one cause he's kept meh in his heart and da other he honestly treats meh like a really really good friend.....like very tite brother and sis. hahaha=>:D yeah...cheers meh up to know how our friendship has developed. muhahaha=>:D i have a sister dat wuz born into my blood family, but i never run to her. i just can't......i am untrusting....even doe i noe my family are da peeps i can always trust cause dey love meh....even if i dun love myself.
hahaha=.:d funnay aye??? no one in church notices my emptiness through my eyes....or they do, but dey dun care enuff to ask me wuz wrong. there are those that can't even see meh and they seem to care more. geez......i thought we were brother and sisters in christ......sighs.
my thoughts are very very depressing....why???? cause most of dese things are observations dat i see. hahaha=>:d physchologist aye??? my aim??? hahaha=>:d can't even handle to just see peeps. man.....hahaha=.:D way too funnay. i trusted too many peeps....loved too much......cared too much....now.....i hate....hate and distrust runs everywhere. arg!!!!! i can't say i hate to extent of i would kill em....dun get meh wrong.....u noe dat feeling when u hate sumthing??? well i have dat feeling towards everything, but it's a feeling....and deep down inside.....i wanna love, but my love isn't as strong as the feeling. sighs sighs.
one thing as being a christian is the need to pray, to ask GOD for sumthing.......
the thing about this is dat i always seem to just be asking, asking, asking. i never recieve why??? cause maybe i have and just never notice it. another.....really......i'm a sinner....a sinner who needs GOD.....desparately needing, but i've lost this feeling....lost the love i first felt when i believed GOD. i've known GOD for my entire lyphe.....i know enuff to take meh high enuff, but dat's not da point.....i suppose i need to start all over again. i know much, but knowledge ain't much. knowledge, wisdom, everything, without GOD is meaningless. meaningless!!!! i guess i have a new pray now....a new aim for life.....sighs sighs...
leaving my thoughts for a while....to sort out stuff....arg!!!! well meh going....l8a.....