living a day at a time is very easily spoken, but when you feel that your world is turned upside down.....it becomes very very difficult.
haha!! VAL that marcos or markus person you were talking to....man....i think he's very anal. and i think he's well very very closed minded..... but meh......i'll have a chit chat wiff him.
can't wait to go to a concert....never gone to one in my life! oh wellz. it's al good.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails.
Monday, August 02, 2004
somedays i try....and somedays i don't.
sometimes i listen and most times i care.
on days like these i wish that all would come to an end
all this pain, all this torture, what is it's cause?
what do we learn through this torment and trial?
some days i walks, and some days i run
sometimes i cry and most times i smile
on other days unlike today, i wish things were the same
all the nagging, all the taunting, have i been so miserable?
have i sowed what i reap or is there more?
somedays i try and somedays i don't
somtimes i listen and most time i care
somedays i walk and somedays i run
sometimes i cry but most times i smile
blah......badd....very very bad......bah.......don't even know what i'm trying to write.....it doesn't even make sense.....and everything i write is sooo self centered....args args.......
need to get away.......but get away from what? i dont' know....i need some change....change that i already got.....maybe i suppose a change of heart.....but yeah...won't happen. all i live for i strive for. but maybe instead of striving to live maybe i should strive to serve. maybe then i'd feel better. at least i know i am not fake unlike some people who have yelled at me many many times before saying i was fake. blah. doesn't really matter. they can nag....and they can complain about how i am. but i will not change for them because i have done nothing wrong to care. i hope when school starts i will stay this way. i think it is a chemical imbalance that causes me to emotional. after i've been taking my vitamins i've been feeling alot better. my thoughts have not been sooo grim. i don't see things sooo pessimistically n e more. i suppose maybe i was never truly pessimistic cause i wanted to see the better. i suppose i am neither a pessimist or an optimist.....i am simply a realist. not someone who sells houses....but someone who just sees reality. i am glad i am not numb to reality. that takes out the simple joy of living. so if in my definition i say to feel reality is living....does that mean that alot of people are the walking dead? hm......a purpose driven life. sighs sighs.
i just want to be open minded and not closed minded. i do not want to make others unhappy. sighs sighs. i suppose i fail that mission day after day. but i cannot satisfy human....and no one can satisfy me. only GOD can fill in that void no matter what. i must rely on him every day......i think my blog may just become my prayer journal. or at least the prayers in my heart about everything that's on my mind.....hm. sounds like a good idea.....but i know that this idea would soon fail but i'll make it last as long as i write and entry every night and i have a pc. when i don't....i'll just haveta well on other words pray out loud which is just as good.
sometimes i listen and most times i care.
on days like these i wish that all would come to an end
all this pain, all this torture, what is it's cause?
what do we learn through this torment and trial?
some days i walks, and some days i run
sometimes i cry and most times i smile
on other days unlike today, i wish things were the same
all the nagging, all the taunting, have i been so miserable?
have i sowed what i reap or is there more?
somedays i try and somedays i don't
somtimes i listen and most time i care
somedays i walk and somedays i run
sometimes i cry but most times i smile
blah......badd....very very bad......bah.......don't even know what i'm trying to write.....it doesn't even make sense.....and everything i write is sooo self centered....args args.......
need to get away.......but get away from what? i dont' know....i need some change....change that i already got.....maybe i suppose a change of heart.....but yeah...won't happen. all i live for i strive for. but maybe instead of striving to live maybe i should strive to serve. maybe then i'd feel better. at least i know i am not fake unlike some people who have yelled at me many many times before saying i was fake. blah. doesn't really matter. they can nag....and they can complain about how i am. but i will not change for them because i have done nothing wrong to care. i hope when school starts i will stay this way. i think it is a chemical imbalance that causes me to emotional. after i've been taking my vitamins i've been feeling alot better. my thoughts have not been sooo grim. i don't see things sooo pessimistically n e more. i suppose maybe i was never truly pessimistic cause i wanted to see the better. i suppose i am neither a pessimist or an optimist.....i am simply a realist. not someone who sells houses....but someone who just sees reality. i am glad i am not numb to reality. that takes out the simple joy of living. so if in my definition i say to feel reality is living....does that mean that alot of people are the walking dead? hm......a purpose driven life. sighs sighs.
i just want to be open minded and not closed minded. i do not want to make others unhappy. sighs sighs. i suppose i fail that mission day after day. but i cannot satisfy human....and no one can satisfy me. only GOD can fill in that void no matter what. i must rely on him every day......i think my blog may just become my prayer journal. or at least the prayers in my heart about everything that's on my mind.....hm. sounds like a good idea.....but i know that this idea would soon fail but i'll make it last as long as i write and entry every night and i have a pc. when i don't....i'll just haveta well on other words pray out loud which is just as good.
see.....i thought i would distrust anyone named catherine. but i guess i was wrong. this is why i distrust people named catherine.
i have a cousin named catherine that treated me like trash. i was only 8 at the time, so i didn't know what hatred was. i just thought she was angry because she was homesick all the time. she stole my things. she broke my things. she ripped all my drawings. she scratched everything i had lamenated. she trashed our house. she crashed our car. and yet at the time, i still didn't know what hate was. and because of all these acts.....i have never been quite fond of someone that has the name catherine spelt with a c. yeah mind you....i do have a friend name katherine spelt with a k and i am totally fine with that.
i suppose i know why GOD allowed me to meet this girl. firstly, i would have never met her even though she had sent me that email. certainly, even if i did go to singapore or malaysia i would have never met her, there are way too many people. if she hadn't of added me to her msn, i would have never really have a convo with her. so therefore altogether, meeting this chick is a pure random act of GOD.
meeting her for me has put my distrust for the people named catherine with a c away. no, i am not the least bit suspicious of this chick. i had a convo with her for only 4 hours or so....but i still trust this gurl. maybe it's my trusting nature, but i really don't find her suspicious at all. on the other hand.....when i first met ken i was and still am suspicious of everything he says and does with me. and i believe my instincts were correct, that he is a nice guy, but for relationship wise...there is still more that i should know...and yes....this is correct. keke^^
ken still cares alot for his ex. sighs sighs. and he's not going back to guang dong now. hm. does that mean i haveta follow through on my promise with him to go to egh volunteer? hm.....so he is finishing school here. that is if he passes. hm. i wonder who would be his next victum of usary? hm....see....if he wants...he can use me all he wants for all i care. because i'd rather be used as a friend then to be used a something other any day. but blah...that's prolly because i've been used as someone's girlfriend a few times. oh wellz....i will not stop loving.
yes...the issue and problem to everyone is love. yes brian, even though you seem sooo cold.....i still love you. and even though at times i dispise your coldness, i, all in all still love who you are and what you are inside. but then again....you are just human......and if tommy was right, i interpret that only family and bf/gf deserve love....but i think he's wrong. so yeah. time and time again....whenever i feel like crap....you are always there...and i always feel as if i'm using you or sumthing. but then now i know it's honestly becuase you care. you really deep down miss how things used to be. and so does everyone else. but you know....if everyone really has the effort to try....times can be like old again.
i have a cousin named catherine that treated me like trash. i was only 8 at the time, so i didn't know what hatred was. i just thought she was angry because she was homesick all the time. she stole my things. she broke my things. she ripped all my drawings. she scratched everything i had lamenated. she trashed our house. she crashed our car. and yet at the time, i still didn't know what hate was. and because of all these acts.....i have never been quite fond of someone that has the name catherine spelt with a c. yeah mind you....i do have a friend name katherine spelt with a k and i am totally fine with that.
i suppose i know why GOD allowed me to meet this girl. firstly, i would have never met her even though she had sent me that email. certainly, even if i did go to singapore or malaysia i would have never met her, there are way too many people. if she hadn't of added me to her msn, i would have never really have a convo with her. so therefore altogether, meeting this chick is a pure random act of GOD.
meeting her for me has put my distrust for the people named catherine with a c away. no, i am not the least bit suspicious of this chick. i had a convo with her for only 4 hours or so....but i still trust this gurl. maybe it's my trusting nature, but i really don't find her suspicious at all. on the other hand.....when i first met ken i was and still am suspicious of everything he says and does with me. and i believe my instincts were correct, that he is a nice guy, but for relationship wise...there is still more that i should know...and yes....this is correct. keke^^
ken still cares alot for his ex. sighs sighs. and he's not going back to guang dong now. hm. does that mean i haveta follow through on my promise with him to go to egh volunteer? hm.....so he is finishing school here. that is if he passes. hm. i wonder who would be his next victum of usary? hm....see....if he wants...he can use me all he wants for all i care. because i'd rather be used as a friend then to be used a something other any day. but blah...that's prolly because i've been used as someone's girlfriend a few times. oh wellz....i will not stop loving.
yes...the issue and problem to everyone is love. yes brian, even though you seem sooo cold.....i still love you. and even though at times i dispise your coldness, i, all in all still love who you are and what you are inside. but then again....you are just human......and if tommy was right, i interpret that only family and bf/gf deserve love....but i think he's wrong. so yeah. time and time again....whenever i feel like crap....you are always there...and i always feel as if i'm using you or sumthing. but then now i know it's honestly becuase you care. you really deep down miss how things used to be. and so does everyone else. but you know....if everyone really has the effort to try....times can be like old again.
really. i don't even know if cat'll still read my thoughts after she like has talked to me. hm. it's weird, but i think it's cause we are very alike in many ways....except for age difference i think. reading people's thoughts is like an invasion on people's privacy i think.....but still i'm just being hypocritical i suppose. keke^^ it's really weird.
reading her thoughts....it seems like i've been giving her more stress for a while. sighs sighs. i didn't mean to. i give her my biggest and warmest apologies. hey......when she comes back...which she said was the 30th......i'll prolly haveta give her some time to recover from jet lag. hm....wonder if she'll take my offer to go to bubble republic some time. keke^^ so she has like 4 favourite types of bubble tea.....wow....i've become stockerish......kinda scary for her...and i suppose for me. as i said earlier.....releasing your thoughts on line is like easy access to personal info. blah....at least i'm not travelling to singapore to see her....that would be very scary and very stockerish.
she offered to take me in at her house if i go to singapore. i'm assuming that was joke. but hey.....would be kinda nice wouldn't it?
i'm a little girl, and i still think like a little girl. when i'm happy that is.....i am a little girl. but when i am upset...the world shouldn't leave me alone for tooo long.
yeah.....i am pessimistic... but i'm in a body where there is tooo much energy. i suppose if i used up that energy to cheer up people....it's a good thing....but if i spend my energy on plotting revenge...that is bad. hm...
man.....cat flatters me by saying i'm really mature and really nice. makes me blush. she's one very sweet nice chick too. hm. she has what many singaporeans has. she has that willing heart to help. even though after soo much hardship and troubles, pains and toils....she hasn't lost that. she has a really great quality. she has that great compassion for others that i have noticed many singaporeans have.
many people become cold hearted and have distrust for the world after it's failed them sooo many times. i am glad that i'm not the only one that enjoys the feeling of falling in love. i just pray that next time, her heart will not be sooo easily in love with a person who will so easily through it away. The greatest treasure to any person is the person's heart, how you get there is of your choice.
reading her thoughts....it seems like i've been giving her more stress for a while. sighs sighs. i didn't mean to. i give her my biggest and warmest apologies. hey......when she comes back...which she said was the 30th......i'll prolly haveta give her some time to recover from jet lag. hm....wonder if she'll take my offer to go to bubble republic some time. keke^^ so she has like 4 favourite types of bubble tea.....wow....i've become stockerish......kinda scary for her...and i suppose for me. as i said earlier.....releasing your thoughts on line is like easy access to personal info. blah....at least i'm not travelling to singapore to see her....that would be very scary and very stockerish.
she offered to take me in at her house if i go to singapore. i'm assuming that was joke. but hey.....would be kinda nice wouldn't it?
i'm a little girl, and i still think like a little girl. when i'm happy that is.....i am a little girl. but when i am upset...the world shouldn't leave me alone for tooo long.
yeah.....i am pessimistic... but i'm in a body where there is tooo much energy. i suppose if i used up that energy to cheer up people....it's a good thing....but if i spend my energy on plotting revenge...that is bad. hm...
man.....cat flatters me by saying i'm really mature and really nice. makes me blush. she's one very sweet nice chick too. hm. she has what many singaporeans has. she has that willing heart to help. even though after soo much hardship and troubles, pains and toils....she hasn't lost that. she has a really great quality. she has that great compassion for others that i have noticed many singaporeans have.
many people become cold hearted and have distrust for the world after it's failed them sooo many times. i am glad that i'm not the only one that enjoys the feeling of falling in love. i just pray that next time, her heart will not be sooo easily in love with a person who will so easily through it away. The greatest treasure to any person is the person's heart, how you get there is of your choice.
wow.....i'm like a little girl now....all giddy and happy because i've been talking to a person who was an absolute stranger.... meh....still good. fun. very enjoyable. i just hope that she'll feel better. i haven't deleted her email yet.....haven't got the heart to. i probably won't meh. i keep funny things.
hm....i merely do not understand.....i thought he was one very nice kid. always has been very sweet and nice to me......bah.......and i still think he is one nice kid....but now.....he is only nice kid with alot of hidden secrets
hm....i merely do not understand.....i thought he was one very nice kid. always has been very sweet and nice to me......bah.......and i still think he is one nice kid....but now.....he is only nice kid with alot of hidden secrets
wow......
talking to a now ex of ken's.....
i feel sooo bad....
it's as if i caused these problem. sighs sighs. i feel kinda bad. but she's screwed up her life a bit. and i feel kinda bad. i feel even worst cause she's going to have problems with uni. well i think i'll meet up with this chic when she comes back. but she'll prolly have jet lag or sumthing.......hm. but it may be awkward......meh.....i'll still try. we could become friends....why not? keke^^ united by some sort of weird way i suppose. really weird. hm.....
well she's looking for a church. she's 19. so i'm assuming she won't be into alot of the activities i'm into. gotta find a good church with a very good youth/university program. i'd feel bad if she likes a church that i just left. but then again....she'd be able to make friends. she's a very nice person.
talking to a now ex of ken's.....
i feel sooo bad....
it's as if i caused these problem. sighs sighs. i feel kinda bad. but she's screwed up her life a bit. and i feel kinda bad. i feel even worst cause she's going to have problems with uni. well i think i'll meet up with this chic when she comes back. but she'll prolly have jet lag or sumthing.......hm. but it may be awkward......meh.....i'll still try. we could become friends....why not? keke^^ united by some sort of weird way i suppose. really weird. hm.....
well she's looking for a church. she's 19. so i'm assuming she won't be into alot of the activities i'm into. gotta find a good church with a very good youth/university program. i'd feel bad if she likes a church that i just left. but then again....she'd be able to make friends. she's a very nice person.
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