oh yes, and by the way, i know you are unhappy, because seriously, i can see it in your eyes. was it i who said it to you or was it someone else? i remember having said it to someone, but i can't remember. or was it i who said it to myself? oh wellz. it doesn't matter. the truth is, when you have reached a dispairing moment in your life, people can see it even though you hide it behind an expressionless face or a very cheery cheery one. it doesn't matter, your eyes are the windows to your soul.

so, i woke up really early today, and couldn't fall back to sleep. so instead, i woke up, took a shower, decided what to wear, and then went downstairs to write my thoughts. why i decided to write my thoughts, i don't know why. crappers, i had another bad dream. and this one, probably won't happen i hope. but you know when you see everyone in front of you die of natural causes, and yet you are just a bystander in all this? well that's how it felt. that feeling of not being able to do anything, the feeling that you are in the dark where you can see the light but cannot reach it because it moves forward everytime you try to touch it. hm. yesterday, i was going on aa as usual, i noticed someones pagie by total and utter chance. these were the words written on it......i mean, alot of people have written things like that, but this one just kinda got imprinted in my memory for some reason....whack....la....this is how it goes.....everyone has this gap inside their heart. they want to fill it so that they never feel that gap of emptiness. some people fill it with riches, some fill it with dollars, some fill it with having a girlfriend and boifriend. but i, myself on the other hand, have filled it with GOD. he goes on to say how he is complete now even though at times he runs on empty and all. wow. i mean, sometimes thoughts can really impact someone.

now let me go on with my own thought. hey, the 28th, isn't that like someone's birthday or something? i mean, i know someone's birthday is today, but who's?!?!? grrr....-_-. but whatever, it's not like people remember my birthday, so why should i remember theirs. but it doesn't matter, it's the thought that counts. my birthday is in august, but this year, i'm not going anywhere, or at least i hope i shouldn't be going anywhere. grrr....-_-. this year, i just want to stay home and be like a hermit. i really can't stand this attention. people say i have psychological disorders and that i go through phases of awkward stability. but that makes me question, isn't everyone unstable at times? then doesn't everyone have some sort of disorder even if it's not that noticeable? i don't like plays, i don't like drama. for the fact, everyday of my life, i try to live it as if i am not lying to myself. i like to live my life as truthfully as this world may allow it. and that's not alot if you were to come to think about it. this world doesn't like the truth, on some level's it's allergic. but there's always a greater good for what seems unpleasant.

i'm not feeling very very sick. i'm going to be leaving for church in another half an hour or so. args. i feel sooo sick and tired. well my voice is still like awkward. i sound like crap. i look like crap...but hey...that's not for you to judge anyways. hehehe=>:D:P as long as i'm still a decent person then hey, everything is alright.

reading some of the bible, i come to see some of people that were in it. hm. how i'd hate to be the one that lost everything. i mean, loosing money is fine, but loosing friends and family is something i couldn't ever handle. at no time did he ever say, GOD i hate you, but instead, he is like, GOD's doing this for a reason. or he came to question GOD's intent, but he never did say GOD i hate you. oh yeah, that sermon thingy that was quite stupid......GOOD without GOD is zero. i mean, if you really did that, it would be the letter "o" but i get where the preacher was coming from. i suppose that sermon and the one about GOD having no GRANDCHILDREN are my most memorable sermons. but then again, i don't remember anything besides the name of the sermon anyways. haveta go now even though i have much more to write, haveta go to churchie. hm. hope to be home soon. good day to you all