sleeping now, but shall i have sweet or bitter dreams? i want you but i push you away, will you come closer to me still? hm...it doesn't matter if you are afraid of me, becaus ei know your fear. actually, most my friends aren't built on trust. it's just based upon that i have a lovely smile and an open heart to try to help. but then again...what is trust...and what isn't it? what's love and what isn't it? what's the fine line between hate and love?!?!?

as the years and months and weeks go past, my thoughts get more stupid and even more stupid. my thoughts become more disoriented in a mannor that is undescribable. sighs sighs......i am just depressed.....and i think i'm bipolar....args....not a good thing...not at all.....

will one day i find my true love?

yeah val, i do agree that love at first site is only lust.......and i'm proud to admit that well.....there's only a few people that agree with me...and one being youz....keke^^

i will endure the pain. i will and i must. i can and i should so i shall. but at times like this, i just feel like o-d-ing myself on like pain killers, cough syrup and alchohol. deadly combination......drop dead in a matter of hours if not minutes. why am i sooo suicidal? why do i allow my thoughts to think of such torment for myself? but then again, i shall never stick my head in an oven and kill myself. keke^^ yes, sylvia plath's dead now, but the tragic thing is, i think she was the way she was all her life. she tormented herself with her own thoughts, pleasures and pains. and i suppose....in many ways.....i'm like her....args. sooo velly velly evil evil. hm. tired....

hayao miyazaki.....

wow....it's been a long time from the very beginning that i used this...wow.....

hm......no more words and describe the feelings of despair and depression i feel right now. but even in such a condition and state...i must say.....

I LOVE YOU

sooo gros....have like acid reflex or like heartburn....args...or maybe both....args.....it hurts to breath....and i keep on feeling like i wanna puke...and my stomache is making all these funny noises. no, i am not constipated if that's what you're thinking. i hate this. i don't like puking and so when i do, i just swallow it back down. args.....twice the burn......args......i'm dying at the age of 16....

hm....tomorrow...hm....april first? args.....soo many people gonna play stupid fricking jokes on me i know it. i won't be in the mood. and if they do end up doing sumthing stupid.....you can bet your ass that i will be yelling a whole lot. i just don't have the patience. and yeah, i will be angry beyond words. i have lost my patience. i have become irritated these past few days. i've been running on about 2 hours of sleep daily. and i can't help it because i just can't sleep. sighs.

if i get forced into doing something i don't want to, will i defend myself? will someone be there to defend me? will i be alone standing there by myself? hm. if i am alone, GOD will protect me

you and i have been drifting apart for ages. sighs sighs. and i want you back in my life. i want you to be there to talk to me and comfort me, even when reality is harsh.

sighs sighs. i am useless. i'm soo stupid. i'm becoming more stupid by the day. sighs. i'm sucha failure. i feel like dropping out of skool. i feel as if there is no hope for me at the end of the school day. i feel like vomitting. args. i feel like crying constantly. args. it sucks sooo bad. i'm such a complainer. hm. i don't feel lonely anymore. i constantly know that the presence of GOD is with me. i never feel alone anymore. but i must say, at times, i do feel rather rejected. args args. hm. i'm tired. i'm dropping night school for sure. sighs sighs. can't take all this stress anymore. sighs sighs. if only....if only...

finished my shouts for the night....

hm.....above all and should have been first and formost....i thank GOD for giving me such great friends. my gratitude goes out to my LORD. i prayed that when i reached highschool that i would follow the right crowd. i prayed that you would lead me to the path you thought would be best for me. and you have answered my prayers like many other times that you have. THANK YOU.

more people to thank for....everyone is my friend, but there are just some characteristics that to me are really worth mentioning

to:

brian. even though at many times, we are separated by great distance (oakville and mississauga?soooo far aye? keke^^), we never fail to inform each other of troubles or problems. i know many times i talk to you when i have sumthing wrong, but many times, i don't know if you are too busy or not. but even if so, there are soo many times that our convos just go blank. but i love you all the same. i know at times i get really annoying with my philosophies and repeated speeches, but i just want to help. i want to help and i can't help but to help you. you mean the world to me. i know you have your mood swings, but doesn't everyone? now if i can't understand that people have moodswings, what kind of friend would i be to you? now, you were there when i needed you most, and i know that whenever i need you will be there or hope to help me again. thanx for being there. you are truly my dearest friend.

pat. you are sooo seemart. and no matter what anyone says about you, you are pat and you deserve a pat on the back. no pun intended...keke^^ seriously though, don't worry about anything. GOD will provide away. oh by the way, thanx for always answering my stupid chem questions when i have problems. even though i know you are studying for yourself. thanx soo much for taking time out of your day to help this poor lil girl. and i hope you get better and feel better.

jean. you are like the sister i can never have. i mean, i love my own sister and all, but she's still the sister i have. i'm greatful that i have a sister to compare you to the sister i have. you are just as great. sooo many times, i forget that we have years in between us, because when we talk, i always think you are just one of us. i don't feel the difference. i just love you sooo much i don't know where to begin....we've been friends for such a short period of time, but also a long period of time. nothing can fathom my love for our friendship

bessie. you are the younger sister i never had and can never have. i got to know you more and more.....how long has it been? six years now? keke^^ but now....i can't believe it...you will be leaving my life. thanx for just being there. there isn't much i can say to you because you are soo precious to me..... but.....i love you all in all, you and your ways. *hugs*

i want to write thanx for everyone and list who they are....but i honestly don't have the time? well let's start the list anyways.

to:

jenny. i know you don't read this. but i can't neglect you either way. you know how i am and how i am not. you know i don't like hugs, but yet you give them to me anyways. thanx. you really are like my sunshine. you put smiles on my face whenever i feel stupid. you never put me down just because i'm getting a lower grade. you always help me and hear me out and tell me what to do for skool even though i can't do it at times. thanx for being one of my bestest buddies

val. you also don't read this, and when you do, you might be surprised how much my thoughts have to do about the conversations we have on the phone. keke^^ see, we are soo different, but soo similar all at the same time. it's soo great to have a friend like you. no words can describe our friendship besides that we are friends. we have our disagreements but we never actually argue over these matters. we only ever get passionate about what we are saying. keke^^ love ya......even though you'd prolly say hate ya before you knew that you meant the opposite....keke^^

rache c. keke^^ you know. i once thought you were one of those ditzy girls aye? and now i come to see....wow, you are far from it...maybe at times everyone has those ditzy moments, but heck....which person doesn't? yeah.....guys can have ditzy moments too. keke^^ another miss sunshine in my life. even though at times your smiles are fake becuase you don't want me to know how unhappy you truly are, you still put smiles on my face. even though at times you neglecting from hearing the topic you are talking about, it really doesn't matter. me don't get upset, because you know, being around you just makes me happy cause you are you. keke^^ thanx for just being there

it takes me hours and hours to orient my thoughts. sighs. i'm not angry, i'm not happy, and yet i feel depressed though. sighs. even in the company of my friends, i was unable to smile today. and when i did smile, i know it looked fake. it just didn't feel right all to begin with. but i don't know what to say. it's just hard to smile when you truly don't find that place inside of you to smile. i mean, i used to be very good at pretending a smile, but as the days go on and on, and i grow older and older, smiling even when i don't want to becomes harder and harder. i don't like to fake things anymore. i just find it near impossible to display fake feelings. i just can't help it. maybe it's because i know that smiling doesn't make you happy. maybe deep down inside i really just want someone to notice that i am not happy. it's funnay how that people know there's something wrong with me because i'm not talking. people don't really care if i smile or not. it's really true. most times when i do not smile are times that i do not speak and am not talking. and because my words come out louder than my facial expressions because i'm silent. most people when they see something wrong say this, "are you alright sabina? you're not talking, is there something on your mind. i hope you are alright because you normally talk alot when you are happy." it's cute i must admit. and all those that say stuff like that to me......come to think about it....i just really wanna go up and hug them. sighs.

some people say i dwell on the past too much. but the fact is, if you never ever look back, do you not ever learn?

sighs. i'm confused again. i write too much and i do not talk about anything. these past two days since monday night, i have been deeply distressed. i'm getting into higher grades, and yet my marks are getting lower and lower. sighs sighs. i feel sooo inadequate.

hm....when i speak, do i have an accent? it's weird. some people say i have an accent, and some people say i don't. i have no clue. but i know i don't speak perfect english, and i also know that i don't speak perfect cantonese. args. baka.....oh wellz. wo yong yuan dao bu hui ming bai de. wo bu zhi dao wei she me le, sou yi ni bu ying gai wen wo le. hm. aw but gi doe wai sum mo, dan si aw but ho yi ming bact. aw wing yuen do but ho yi tong ney gai sic aw sueng suet sum mo la. i don't even know why i did that, i haven't done ping ying or attempted phonetically spelling cantonese either. weird. faye sueng wun guct la....sighs. wo hun wu liao la......oh wellz. maybe it's because most my asian friends are taiwanese or what not, but you know, everyone that i talk to that is really asian thinks i'm taiwanese now. and when i speak cantonese, they are surprised that i am not speaking mandarin. hm. i think it's a good thing and bad thing that i'm dropping japanese. i see that i want to learn on my own benefit, and that it could help people get to know GOD. but then all at the same time, i see how such a waste of my time that could be. but i suppose it's not my time to waste, and it's not my time to begin with. so it's basically i pray and hope that seeds will blume and grow i suppose. but will i ever be fluent enough? will i ever feel less inadequate? i do not know.

sen to chihiro no kami kakushi

it's kinda funny. i look back to the writings that i write on paper and i see tht lately, all my thoughts are very godly related. man, i should start reading my bible on a more consistant basis. hm. but i don't know. it's hard to say. keke^^ i notice that i am poetic in a sense through words in story like manners than i am. you think being poetic is only through writing poems.....but....being poetic means: Expressed in metrical form; exhibiting the imaginative or the rhythmical quality of poetry; as, a poetical composition; poetical prose. it's weird. maybe it's because i'm tooo philisophical. maybe it's because i think too much. hm. have you ever noticed that people that think too much have really long eyesbrow hair? or is it just me? maybe it's just on asian people, but that's what i noticed on asian people. hm. it's weird. everything was created for a reason. everything is done for a reason. maybe as a human we loose sight of the greater good, but honestly, there is stuff that can happen even though we can't see why at the present state. i do not believe in the perfect crime. i do not believe in the perfect human. but if you say the perfect human is a person who lives out a perfect and only flaw...then yes, that person is a perfect human. i have mentioned before what i think, but it's not that many people agree or disagree. i have made up my mind to quit japanese class. yeah i know, i am never fully committed into doing anything and that is why my relationships between people never last very long. but then again, relationships are very different than a commitment to studying because books can never love you back no matter how much you love them.

a friend and i started to discuss matters of love. and we agreed on one thing, love is a matter that we all know is always present but when it comes down to defining specific characteristics, it is nearly impossible because love is equavalent to too many things. i suppose that this much will always be true. since GOD is love, and GOD is soo many things, it is nearly impossible, and that is why it is nearly impossible to define what all characteristics of love is. and the only way to define love is to say that LOVE IS GOD and GOD IS LOVE.

as the days go by, i talk more and more about GOD. i can't help it. in times like this when self- consciousness is not ever so present, i really believe that mankind needs GOD.

homosexuality, right or wrong? i mean, some people say that the legallizing homosexual marriages is just a word, "marriage" but as for me, maybe it's because i'm being all anal? but then GOD said it was wrong. and that he created man and woman not man and man. but all this is soo confusing to explain to someone that is not christian. how do you talk about homosexuality and why it is wrong relating to GOD to a person that does not believe in CHRIST? sooo difficult. i must say, the time needed to help people see GOD is getting more shorter and shorter. and yet the effort is getting more and more. i suppose all we can do is pray for all those lost souls and that one day the seed planted within them will grow. GOD gives us time, he really does, but the time is for us to choose to use it or not. so i have no idea. no idea at all.