it takes me hours and hours to orient my thoughts. sighs. i'm not angry, i'm not happy, and yet i feel depressed though. sighs. even in the company of my friends, i was unable to smile today. and when i did smile, i know it looked fake. it just didn't feel right all to begin with. but i don't know what to say. it's just hard to smile when you truly don't find that place inside of you to smile. i mean, i used to be very good at pretending a smile, but as the days go on and on, and i grow older and older, smiling even when i don't want to becomes harder and harder. i don't like to fake things anymore. i just find it near impossible to display fake feelings. i just can't help it. maybe it's because i know that smiling doesn't make you happy. maybe deep down inside i really just want someone to notice that i am not happy. it's funnay how that people know there's something wrong with me because i'm not talking. people don't really care if i smile or not. it's really true. most times when i do not smile are times that i do not speak and am not talking. and because my words come out louder than my facial expressions because i'm silent. most people when they see something wrong say this, "are you alright sabina? you're not talking, is there something on your mind. i hope you are alright because you normally talk alot when you are happy." it's cute i must admit. and all those that say stuff like that to me......come to think about it....i just really wanna go up and hug them. sighs.

some people say i dwell on the past too much. but the fact is, if you never ever look back, do you not ever learn?