yeah, why don't i just jump off the cliff and never come bak. hahaha=>:D i noe i wun, and i'm not a coward, i am not a coward for saying no. a coward is someone who is afraid to jump off that cliff. i am not afraid, i am just unwilling because i know it is not rite dat i do so. don't u even classify me as another cowardice teen, because i'm not. don't u even dare say that.

everything offends me to tell you the truth. every lil thing you do, but it's just a matter if i care too much or too lil. hahaha=>:D not like you really care, but it's alritez. some thoughts are left better not said, but i express everything in writen words of which not many read. because they don't care much, or because they think i'm boring, or because they just dun wanna. i shouldn't care, and i don't care much that you don't read it. just rememba, when i tell you to read sumthing, u betta fucking read it! so yeah, whateva. i'm going now, l8a.

yeah, i am a boring person, no new thoughts, just the same thoughts reworded all the same. but yet at the same time, the intensity of what i'm trying to say is based on sumthign that is the same

yeah yeah
hahaha=>:D u can get bored. i don't really care much now. skool's starting, i'll have my own lil problems in this lil pathetic mind of mine. i won't need ur help n e more. hahaha=.:d but there is no time as now as i've ever needed n e one as much

hahaha=>:D everyone thinks i can't handle it when they use willy's name in a sentence. sooo funnay. hahahaha=>:d that's not true, i can handle n e one's name, just as the other name. hahhaa=>:D no problems la.

yeah, i'm withdrawing from the world, it's not like anyone can help it. the only person that can help me from falling into this trap is meh and like GOD.

people say they care, it's not a lie i give you that. but how much can never be expressed until you feel as if i were to be lost or sumthing. trust meh on that one. maybe no one will ever see me as i see myself. maybe no one will ever see them the way i see them. yeah, lyphe's a process of learning to accept and learning what not to accept. yeah, but there are certian things that i would never allow myself to do. but there is only a certain limit.

it's definate that i will be going bak to hk and taiwan in two years. not that many people even care to read these thoughts, i just thought it would be nice for you people to know. dat is, if i'm still living at that time. and i dun die in a car accident or sumthing. no one wants to think of it that way, but i don't care much about death. death is just a natural process, it is the inevitable, because all shall die. everyone shall face GOD. in light or not.

am i getting boring being so repetitive? yeah i am? yeah, go kiss my a to da double s. bak to my angry phase, i think i'm better this way, at least i dun get hurt so often. i dun give a damn. i want to care for you people. no matta how hurt i get, i'll prolly still be dere for you, but really, why should i? oh wellz. GOD is da main example of what i shall do. hm.

do dreams come true? well i'm going, l8a

sang by faye wong. .

I Am Willing
Recalling is a very profound thing
Like shadows~follows walking

Obscurity haunts at the bottom my heart
In a flash~I am swallowed up in loneliness

I have no strength to resist
Especially in the night
Oh~
Think about you to the point I have no way of breathing

I wish I could immediately
Run about wildly towards you
Loudly tell you~

I am willing to for you
I am willing to for you
I am willing to for you
Forget my name

Even if there is one more second
Staying in your arms
Losing the world is not a pity

I am willing to for you
I am willing to for you
I am willing to for you
To be banished to the horizon

As long as you are sincere
Respond to me with love
(I am) Willing to do anything
Willing to do anything
For you

sung by david tao....

Search For Myself (Rain)
Yesterday night I had a dream
I walk into the Sahara desert

No one there, I stand underneath the sun
66.6 Celsius

Quickly needs to incinerate my eyes
Suddenly a period of heavy rain
Falls down

My sweat is washed away by that rain
Ending 14 days of torment

The desert has already changed into an oasis
Under the rainbow is a big tree

On the big tree is an apple
Take a bite
Then I completely understand

Can you let me again

Let me again go back into that beautiful world
To search for myself

Hua la la la la la
The sky is raining

Hua la la la la la
The cloud is weeping

Hua la la la la la
Dripping into my heart

No need to say, I will only daydream
No need to be with me, I will only desire wildly

Hua la la la la la
Let me get drenched in the rain

I only hope to be able again to

Able again to once more go back into that beautiful time
To search for myself

Crowded into the bus like sardines
Go to work, get off work, everyday is a regular pattern

Where are so many people going?
Every face is written with feeling useless

Father and mother have no love for one another
Can it be that this is the truth of life?

Can you let me again

Let me again once more go back into that beautiful world
To escape

Hiding under my eaves
OH

Sleeping inside my bed cover
OH

Listening to the rain tick tick tock tock

yeha yeah, sung by jolin

How Can You Not Even Speak Clearly?
Think of something else
But in your eyes what do you discover that flashed passed
How is it like loneliness?
Thus I will be even more silent

Things that have not been spoken
The whole world nearly understands what that is
And I get out of the way while embarrassingly smiling
I can only pretend not to understand

How can I expose your differences?
OH but yet
This world just has to be so small, so crowded and so thin

The sun intentionally shines so fiercely
Why did you appear after he appeared?

How can you not even speak clearly?
That tender tone, I can hear clearly

I stand by his side
You stand in front of me
How come my heart will feel sad like this?
How can you not even speak clearly?
That tender pain, I can remember it clearly

He stands in front of me
You pass by my side
Suddenly my heart feels sad again
Why?

i like dis translation, but i dun really care for the song much, maybe i'd learn to like it, but whateva...

The Same Kind Of Tune
That statue plasters that is pure white all over
Clean colour without pressure is very pleasing
I am sitting in the drawing room imitating the statue thinking
Yet as if hearing the same perplexing idea
The tip of the conifer
Pass through the green tunnel
A general mystery is knocking
We possess
The same brains
The same hobbies
On the door the lace lines falter and show off
But if there wasn't wind, it won't be able to do it
I know collaborative tacit understanding is very important
Then only when one is proud is one not lonely is very dull
The framed castle
Very Europe's romantic atmosphere
Facing this poster
We are in a far distance
Admiring
And smiling

Tacit understanding cannot be forged
We are the same kind of tune
Not concerned about the weather forecast
Because that is insignificant
Want to play a ball game, heavy rain, still bounce
Only watch the music frequency
Long for to be able to put a sign on the corner of the sky
That place blue is the best
I really understand
Tacit understanding cannot be forged
We are the same kind of tune
Manage everything by myself
Decide to wear what coat
Have a ringtone especially for messages
Never compare with other people
Have only drunk iced beverages
Smile very little
Eat whole wheat bread

(RAP: Soon going crazy
Mood slants towards leaving the orbit
Soon going crazy
I cannot get to sleep
Soon going crazy
Expression jokes with me
Soon going crazy
I cannot bear it
This is good
If our identities were switched
My worries
You will also know of being grateful as if you were the one having the favour done
Depressed and very dry
Soon going crazy
Soon going crazy)

i think dat's it for all my fave songs off dat cd. so yeah.....i haven't listened to much of the others, only because i dun like de beginning, but every song has a nice meaning, but sum are just completely stupid. but i'll stilll listen to it. each and everyone of dose four i have kinda relate...but whateva

Her Eyelashes
Darling there are always things that cannot be taught
The feeling of expressing the wrong feeling is a bit bad
Hang on and refuse to clear out
Will make people
Sick of you
I understand all the reasons above
I silently memorize the mistakes I shouldn�t make
Carefully observing her favourites
And my drawn tight outward appearance
Is like a tight spring
Waiting for her to announce her answer

Her eyelashes
Curved corner of her mouth
Smiles towards me without warning
Without omen
Unexpectedly
Unexpectedly she shows good will towards me first
Her eyelashes
Curved corner of her mouth
She uses the expression of her eyes to take a picture of me
I cannot give up
Her smile
Brimming with the flavour of happiness

There are some things that cannot be taught
The feeling of expressing the wrong feeling is a bit bad
Hang on and refuse to clear out
Will make people
Sick of you
I understand all the reasons above
The way to love cannot be transcribed with a pen
And there are also no rules that you can take a snap course on
The fate of being passive is not very reliable
You need to choose the one you like yourself
Her fresh-face graceful outward appearance
Like a honey peach with a lot of juice
Everyone wants to take a bite of it
The shiny lipstick on her lips
Has a general proud confidence
I can see it

(RAP: Her eyelashes
Curved corner of her mouth
Smiles towards me without warning
Without omen
Unexpectedly
Unexpectedly she shows good will towards me first
Her eyelashes
Curved corner of her mouth
She uses her expression of her eyes to take a picture of me
I cannot give up
Her smile
Brimming with the flavour of happiness)

yeah yeah, i like dat song, but i'm a gal. just think as if it's a gurl describing diff more manly features......i suppose......i dunno.....i'm just weird....

You Can Hear It
Who can know better than me
That your tenderness is like feathers?
Secret lying within my embrace
Only you can hear it
Is there still anyone who knows
That your smile is like a hug?
Really want to hide your goodness
Only I can see it
Standing on the rooftop only saying to the wind
Don't want to be pushed around
Originally hated the sky that rains
Until I hear someone say they love me
Sitting on the second floor of the cinema
Watching a crowd moving pass
How can the we of that day
Quietly smile for a very long time?
I think I am too dependent
In a moment ago hanging up the telephone
Persist in imitating a pure child
Quietly watching over this portion of love
Know I cannot be too dependent
Scared that you will spoil me
Your fragrance lingers all along
I cannot bear to leave

yeah yeah, about woman......guess who it could be aye??? well it goes for a lot....if you really think about what jay writes about. but whateva.....still one of my faves....

crap, man....all the songs i like best from jay's cd, ye hiu mei, are all like da most saddening like translated songs. hm......maybe i just fall for like dose really sad songs because dey describe the feeling i go through. there are only about four or five songs that i like alot on this cd of his. so yeah.....i still have a few more transations to post.

hm.....do you want meh to give you the translations of jays songs ma? it's soo nice...hahhaa=>:d

East Wind Breaks
A lamp of separation lament
Loneliness stands still at the window
I am behind the door
Pretending that you have not left yet
Old days like being revisited
Full moon even lonelier
Half conscious candle in the night
Can't bear to criticise me severely

A pot of a wanderer
Wander about far away from home, hard to swallow

After you left
The recollection of the warmth of wine recalls being thin

The water flows towards the east

How to steal time?
Flowers bloom and mature once
Yet I missed it

Who is using the lute to play
The song "East Wind Breaks"?

Times and seasons peeled off the wall
See when I was small

Still remember that year we were still very young

And nowadays the sound of the piano is spooky
My waiting
You have not heard yet

Who is again using the lute to play
The song "East Wind Breaks"?

The maple leaf dyes the story
I see through the ending

I lead you through the ancient path outside of the fence
The year of desolation
That even separation is very silent

i just notice sumthing, the english translation for my fave song on the newest jay cd is kinda really good.

Fine Day
The spring flower of the story
Floats from that year when it was born
Swinging on a swing in childhood
Following memories always swaying till now

ruay sou sou si dou si
la sou la si si si si la si la sou

Playing the prelude, watching the sky, I remember the petal trying to flop

That day when I skipped class for you
That day when flowers fall
That classroom
How come I couldn�t see
The disappeared rainy sky?
I really want to be drenched again
Never thought that I still keep the courage that I have lost
Really want to ask again
Will you wait or leave?

This day of the typhoon
I tried to hold onto your hand
But yet
Rain gradually
Heavy to the point that I cannot see you
How much longer
Before I can be at your side?
Waiting for that day when it clears up
Maybe I will be a bit better
In the past, in the past
There was someone who loved you for a long time
But yet
Wind gradually
Blows the distance really far apart
Not very easily
Once again be able to love a day more
But the end of the story it seems like you still said bye-bye

sighs sighs, this song i suppose describes everything that i feel at the present moment.....hm......

even though i wuz right on one thing, it doesn't mean that everything else from my previous entries meant nothing. here goes, i can't handle loosing. loosing a fight, loosing things, people, relationships. i cannot tolerate loosing. but success and loosing are totally diff thigns. one may say i lost out on a good course in skool but in skool, it's just that i didn't succeed. yeah yeah. dat's a crappy example. i will never be able to tolerate loses or to loose. i hate it. when it's supposed to be a competition, i hate it. and if it's supposed to be sumthing that i should treasure, and i do, then when i loose it, i'll go crazy, and i'll never be the same again.

i can predict, one of these days, i will go crazy because of stress, because of skool, because of work, because of everything. i will go crazy, like i did today. i couldn't control myself. i couldn't stop breathing like a fish outta water. i couldn't help the crazy movements that my body made. i couldn't control the urge to throw things, punch things, kick things. i just couldn't control it.

i am an extremly moody person. as quick as lightning, my mood can and will change. as quickly as you blink, i can fall into depression, or anger just as easily. i don't know wuz wrong, i can't control it. i want to control these urges to not be happy. i want to control my thoughts so i will not think this way, but each and everytime i try, i just get it worst in the baklash. sighs sighs.

i noe one of these days, i will love. but to love GOD is the first step to ever love n e thing, love n e one. sighs sighs. but yet i am filled with hate, hate to love. i hate the meaning of what love is, but love what love is only because that's the only thing that would ever fill my soul. a human has body, mind, and soul. to have fulfillment to feel complete joy, you must fill your soul with love. not the love of this world, but the love of GOD. i guess that's where i'm lacking. cause i despise everything just as easily as i first fell in love with it. i have a very wordly view of love. but yet i comprehend the full extent of what it is and can be. sighs sighs....

hahaha=>:d i wuz right. my sister took my agenda. hahaha=>:d she took it the nite before she left. hahaha=>:D she just never mentioned it to me. hahaha=>:d yeah yeah. i suppose GOD let me calm down. my legs are still kinda numb from breathing too fast. but yeah. hehehe=>:d well i have a tape that was recorded from the night of the music nite. hehe=>:d it's gonna be returned to churchie of course. i will find a way to record it an make it into a mp3 file. but at the present moment, i don't have the equiptment, nor the energy or program. yeah. i'm mad, i'm frustrated. yeah, my anger is slowly turning into hate again. i don't wanna be this way, but my anger never subsides, no matter how hard i try for it to leave. arg!!!!

yeah yeah, i still haveta burn that cd for patty boi, but i haven't got the time. i promised that i would finish that memory verse book for him, but u'll just haveta wait till christmas to get it now, cause i wun have time to finish it once skool's started. i'm trying to add my finishing touches, i'm gonna ask jean and ann to draw lil bkg pics to make it not soo white. hehehe=>:d i'm pretty sure they will do it, cause well, dey love drawing. hahhaha=>:D i'm trying to make an accompilation of my fave jay songs. i really dunno if i should include simple love. i really hate that song now. there are many reason's why i hate dat song now. i used to love it, when well, things were better and i wuz happy. but now days, all i can rememba are happy memories of what i still want, but can't have.

i have never forgotten, i have never let go. hahaha=>:D u'll still be in my heart. hahahaha=>:d but it dun matta, u ain't gonna be reading dis. whateva.

pleaz ignore the profanity, i've just gone insane, and i can't control my typing fingers, i feel so week. i'm sweating and it's cold in the basement. i can't feel my legs n e more. arg!!! it took me just five minutes to get up stairs to search for my agenda! an normally it only takes like maximum 10 seconds. arg!!! i kicked a door, but my toe doesn't hurt. arg!!!! i can't feel my arms. well i can, but all i noe is dat dey feel heavy, like 100 times heavier den dey were before. i think i should sleep again. i feel a fever coming on, i'm getting all hot and sweaty, but cold all at da same time. aiya. sighs. where has my agenda gone? i'm going insane. if i don't find it, i will be insane. arg!!!! no one's home to help meh control my insanity.. arg!!!! rememba what happened in the movie theatres dat time? well it happened again, it happens when i dun breathe properly. so i noe dat i can't be surprised, nor should i be too upset. yeah, u haven't seen me upset. upset is me when i go bezerk like a mad woman. none of you have ever seen that. because if i were outta my house and i wuz a mad woman, i would have died by now, cause i'd run in the middle of the streets not knowing it wuz in da middle of it. so yeah. arg!!! i think my sista took my agenda! or my mommy put it sumwhere. cause i can't find it n e where in the house, and i've searched every room already. my house only has three floors. my house only has one room to the basement. my house only has three rooms in the main floor. and on the top floor i only have five, including the washrooms. arg!!! man, my sister took my agenda accidentally, dat's most likely da case, i'm still going insane knowing this though! arg!!!!! well i'm gonna sign off. unless u can help me locate my agenda. arg!!!!!

i think my sista took my agenda!!!! ar!!! yeah, it may not be important to you, but to me, i just can't handle loosing n e thing. arg!!!! i dun care if i give it away, but i just can't loose it. arg!!!! i'm laughing like a mad woman. i can't stop laughing, i can't stop screaming, i can't stop crying. arg!!!!! help me!!!! arg!!!!! i could just throw things on the ground rite now. arg!!!! i'm going insane. ar!!!! where the hell is my fucking agenda?!?!?! arg!!!! i lost it even before skool started!!!!

hahaha=>:D to the doctor, i seem to be fine. hahaha=>:D avery healthy gurl at the age of sixteen. i'll be five five, and i'll always stay 120 max. i'm going insane. what am i saying?!?!? arg!!!! i think i've lost my mind. ah!!!!!! i must find my agenda. arg!!!! i think i killed a few more brain cells today. i almost blacked out again. arg. haha=>:d arg!!!!

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck
shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit
i can't handle this. arg!!!! going insane!!!! arg!!!! shit fuck shit fuck shit fuck. arg!!!! going insane!!! arg!!!!! can't feel n e thing, my fingers are numb, the door i kicked doesn't seem to hurt, and nor am i in pain. arg!!!! going insane!!! my head hurts!!!!!
i can't handle loosing things!! arg!!!! arg!!!!!! i'm going insane!!!!!

fuck, my whole post just disappeared!!!! ha!!!!!

i'm soo whack...i don't like to recieve hugs, unless i'm down. and when people give meh hugs, i dun think i give really good hugs. i'm weird. i noe. hahaha=>:d dun be offended if i dun hug ya.....cause i just can't take hugs. sighs sighs. i allow only hugging to like certain people. but i dun think those certain people noe dat dey can hug me. yeah yeah. i'm a weird gurl. man...i'm turning into a gurlie gurl. hm....i'm soo whack.....

that look on someone's sleeping face. u cannot forget it. unless they are having a nightmare, their face always has a little smile. sighs sighs. do i frown while i sleep, i have such unpleasant dreams all the time. sighs sighs. u dun understand how much i miss just staring at you. for a second, a minute, an hour. sighs sighs. i dun even now what i'm saying n e more. all i noe is dat well i'm missing you. afta so long. yeah....sighs sighs. afta soo long and i still miss. sighs sighs.

i don't wanna run away, but i can't take it, i don't understand. sighs sighs. jean.....u are soo rite. i miss him lots, still....afta six months and two weeks....i still miss him lots....sighs sighs. u are soo rite. and rite now, u believe that i'm just rebounding and dat i just like every guy that gets close to me because i hurt soo much and miss soo much. yeah yeah, u are rite. sighs sighs. i sigh alot now days. i sound like an old lady don't i? sighs sigh.

yeah i've told ya jean. i miss alot of what i can't have because everyone's just my friend. yeah. and it would be inappropriate for plain friends to just come up to meh and hug me from behind, to kiss my forhead, to smell my hair. it would just be awkward either way. yeah yeah. for both sides. u wish the best for me. as like everyone else. sighs sigh.

i just miss that feeling of hearing someone else's heartbeat. i just miss being held tight as if never to be let go of. of course u will always haveta let go, but while it lasted, it was worth it. hey. it was sweet to see you just lay there and sleep rite beside me, even though both times i never slept. hm....i never even really said much of this to n e one. well u noe, most times i missed fellowship, was because i was out with willy. yes yes, saying that i went out with jenny, i'm evil i noe, but too bad. hahaha=>:d i suppose what i miss is just that look while sumone's sleeping. u prolly dun undestand unless it happen to you. just that look on that person's face what i mean is unless someone's fallen asleep in ur arms or vise versa. but i can remember that look. it is soo sweet. when they are in totally peace. and they sleep, thinking that you are safe in their arms and nothing can e wuz soo sweet when u slept. hahaha=>:D twice at ur old house, it wuz sweet enuff to last a lyphe time. u became angry at me when i looked at you when u fell asleep on the bus and i wuz staring at you. sighs sighs. i can't help it. it shocked me, but i suppose no one likes people staring at them. then it surprised meh even more when on the bus u told me to shut up because u wanted to ease drop on what someone was saying. yeah, at that time, i had no clue. i wuz still the happiest gurl alive, could you not see that? by just being there, u kept meh being the happiest gurl. did you haveta drop me soo suddenly? why? why? why?!?!?!? why did you leave meh in critical care like that? why did you haveta do dat? sighs sighs. maybe i wuz just blind. now, u left meh even worst then when i first begun. at least before you, i didn't care much accept what i wanted, now i want everything and accept everything. what have leaving meh done to me? what i have done to myself? arg!!!! i am digusted at myself. arg!! sighs sighs

am i that bad of a person that people like to repell me? yes, i'd admit, lately, i've been zoning out. i've been purposely leaving my mind elsewhere. yes, i want to be where my body is yes, but i just can't help it. with the people around meh, i still leave and just zone elsewhere. sighs sighs. people have been noticing i do that alot too. i'm tempted to just leave everyone and hide in the corner, but the thing with that is that it would never be possible, i like to talk too much. i don't talk about ur bad stuff, but my stupid stories. i like to give a stupid laugh to people. hahaha=>:d plus, most of my stories about myself are real to begin with. cause i always embarass myself, but i'm fine with it, i like to laugh at myself too. yupz yupz...

hehehehe=>:d bessie, i dunno if you even bother reading my thoughts, but weren't my embarrassing stories soo stupid, but funnay? hehehe=.:D i dun think i've eva told any one soo many stupid stories of what i've done before. hahaha=>:D i've been telling people stupid stories all days. sighs sighs. maybe i'm da person who always does stupid stuff, but fine

the longer the days go on, the further i seem to get from the ending point of the race. sighs sighs. i find no companion to run with, and i will finish the race alone. sighs sighs, my friend are still there, yes, in front, or behind, but no one is running with me, beside me. sighs sighs. oh wellz. there are actually tons, just that those people that i've neva met. so yes.....i'm lost in a big crowd at the beginning race of the marathon. sighs sighs. when will i find the person who will run with and beside me for the rest of my lyphe? sighs sighs.