i've met many people with which i could tell many wonderful stories about. but the chances of me remember most of the happy parts are rare.

last night, my mom and i had a chat, a conversation if you may. but the thing is, we haddn't had one for so long that i felt awkward just being there. normally i'm used to hearing her nag at me and scream at me for the things i didn't do right. i'm used to that, not a conversation. but i truly and deeply enjoyed the conversation none the less, even though i felt awkward.

we talked about the same things over and over again. we talked mostly about school. but either way, i know i should be doing better, and i shoudln't compare myself to those that aren't doing too hot. i mean, i would like to get higher marks, but i know that i won't because i honestly don't try at all. it's sad, i know, but i don't try at all. and when i do try, i get the same mark as not trying in the first place. yeah, i've lost all my goals and ambitions. i no longer want to even finish highschool. but this i know i must. i cannot be a high school drop out, i do not wish to be disowned.

my dream school would be to go to mac. but the truth of the matter is, for me, it is a bit above my budget. i can afford first year, but can i continue in it? i really wanted to go to queens, but then i know i cannot afford even for first year. i'm not as smart as my sister. i will not be able to maintain the marks she's getting. even in university, she maintains an A average. how the hell does she manage that? i mean, she only had one course which was a high 60 and that was about the only one she failed in my standards. every other course she's taken was either low 90's or high 80's. what the hell? i can't even manage to have low 80's n e more. i feel like such a failure. i know my parents don't compare me as much as other parents would. but i still feel that unseen pressure that only i can give myself. why do i bother doing this to myself? i know i will never be as great as her, but yet every time i talk to her, i still feel pressured one way or another. i mean, i can use this as motivation to do better. but honestly, i don't see it as that. i'm jealous of my sister. i'm jealous that she's happy, smart, nice, caring, friendly. she's almost the perfect daughter to anyone's parents. trust me on that, even if you don't believe me, she is. she's almost everything a mother and a father could ask for. she doesn't complain to do housework. she doesn't mind cleaning, cooking, washing dishes, doing laundry, fixing things here and there. sighs. i feel like a worthless brat compared to my sister. but no one really does compare me to her, so maybe that's why i compare myself to her. or maye it's because i'm the one that always gets yelled at whereas since my sister is such a great daughter, she only gets yelled at for things she ACTUALLY did wrong. sighs sighs. don't know. don't want to know. sighs. why do i always feel sooo crummy when thinking of her?

when my sista wakes up.....i'll be walking to the gym....don't even know why i'm even bothering to walk with her when i can walk just as much alone.

meh....i'm a girl...and they rather me be safe and angry rather than to never see me again. but meh, i love my family. even though at times i never feel like doing anything with them, it's not that i don't love them. i mean, they are the only family i have, if i didn't love them, that just wouldn't be right. hm. meh.

i've been thinking again.......see....love is a general broad term. if anything......love is just a generalization. each type of love is one in the same. i mean...it is one big title with little branches in them. but what makes you treat every different branch of love differently? meh. i don't think you should, but alot of others think it's best if you do. but by treating people different because you love them differently, doesn't that just mean your playing somewhat of favouritisms? i've always been confused about that. i mean, GOD is love, and the only thing that makes us different from him is because well, we ain't perfect, we sinned. but the thing is, we are supposed to strive to become more like JESUS, more like GOD. therefore, if we strive to be more like them, should we not therefore become more loving? i mean, if you look in the bible, GOD is many things, but without love, he would be not a one of those title. Shepherd- caring loving person who takes care of his sheep. Savior- a person who loved sooo much that he was willing to die for someone so unworthy. Father- someone who will take care of you because he loves you much. i mean, of course there are some that i can't even translate how it's loving, like names such as rock, peace, righteousness, light, shield, stone, hiding place, so on and so forth. but if i were to thinking about ways all these objects could be love in the sense of GOD, it would work. but let's not go twisting the words of the bible. it's not meant for that.

but even if still, why does this world struggle with love to begin with? it is as if the world cannot understand anything of love. is it because love is like light. those that can see it either run away not understanding it or keep it because they want and need it? me, i do not know. i may be wrong. but i can only try to understand. even though there are many things that are much further beyond my comprehension i can only try. not that i should be trying, but i try none the less. it's weird how i tick. it's just the person i am.