holy crap.....why do i always like those that are completely not for me? args args...what the hell is with me? args args.....

i cannot take charge of my life because it is not mine to begin with.

i have failed to love one with my complete heart....now if i begin at the beginning and stop fushing to the ending line...everything'll be just fine...keke^^

i will not stop trying to love....even if the world is against me because they can't love me because i love others...then there is nothing i can do. if others hate me because i love them...then there is nothing i can do except watch them hate me. i cannot make others love me.....this i cannot do.

i finally know where i belong in this world....i belong among those that just can't find a place to belong. i belong with no one and everyone...

i write a whole lot of useless crap in my blogs....i don't know why...but that's what i do. hm. the tv show on tv is sooo stupid...but it's sooo sweet. music is the base of life. without music, we cannot survive only because that's the way we were made or sumthing,,...but me no noe. missie that feeling that i do not have now.....oh wellz...why want something that wasn't meant to be? why want something that you know is all wrong for yourself? hm....learning t read my chinese.....will i succeed?

funny how my mommy thinks i'll marry young. sooo funnay. it's funny how my friends thinks i would too. hm.....well maybe it's my fault? do i give off an image like that? hm....thinking i want to go to japan....but then again.....maybe i will not....hm....

is there something wrong with me....args...my wisdom teeth are growing out again....and my whole back part of my mouth is like swollen and cheek is like ripped..args args.....

a better person is to come. there is a song that i remember that goes something like this......the world isn't over....she was only 16...so to her....everything felt like it would end. there in the darkness of everything...she felt her world collapse. in the darkness of it all...she felt everything grow back....in the darkness she lost her strength...in the light...she regained all she lost.....

hm....

i don't know why...but i can't seem to forget that feeling. hm...security...but what do i have now??? nothing except family. friends come and go....but few don't leave your side. hm.....the friends i made now....will i become well...egh....friendless next year? i loose more and more friends every year. it's wird....

holy crap...still in love with this song after sooo darnded long!!!!

Gui ji

Composer: Jay Chou (???) Lyricist: Huang Jun Lang (???)

zen me yin cang
wo de bei shang
shi qu ni de di fang
ni de fa xiang
san de cong mang
wo yi jing gen bu shang

bi shang yan jing
hai neng kan jian
ni li qu de hen ji
zai yue guang xia yi zhi zhao xun na xiang nian de shen ying

ru guo shuo fen shou shi ku tong de qi dian
na zai zhong dian zhi qian
wo yuan yi zai ai yi bian
xiang yao dui ni shuo de
bu gan shuo de ai
hui bu hui you ren ke yi ming bai

wo hui fa zhe dai
ran hou wang ji ni
jie zhe jin jin bi shang yan
xiang zhe na yi tian
hui you ren dai ti
rang wo bu zai xiang nian ni

wo hui fa zhe dai
ran hou wei wei xiao
jie zhe jin jin bi shang yan
you xiang le yi bian
ni wen rou de lian
zai wo wang ji zhi qian

xin li de yan lei
mo hu le shi xian
ni yi kuai kan bu jian

Orbit
How can I hide my sorrow?
The place I lost you
The scent of your hair
Scatters hastily
I already cannot follow it

Close my eyes
I can still see
The vestige of when you left
Under the moonlight
Always been searching for
That figure that I miss

If you said that break up is the starting point of pain
Then before the finish line
I am willing to love again
Want to say to you
The love I dare not say
Will there be someone who understands?

I will be staring blankly
Then forget you
Shortly after that I will tightly close my eyes
Thinking of which day
When there will be someone to be in your place
To make me not think about you anymore

I will be staring blankly
Then smile
Shortly after that I will tightly close my eyes
Think about it again
Your gentle face
Before I forget

The tears in my heart
Obscures my visual line
Soon you already cannot be seen

Print Translation

the stupidity of it all.....

you can't change it...you can't help it....you can't mend it. you can only sit or stand and stare at the destruction of it all.

you change for what reason? you hate for what reason? why why why?!?!? what what what?!?! am i going insane or is it only because everything else is chaotic in the world?

now i must ask one question.....why should you leave because you feel as if all you recieve are glances. by leaving...are you not making your gap greater?

your sister is rude and unattentive to authority of her parents....what about you? do you act the same way? i know i do....i am rude to my parents.....but i still love them....i'm trying to be less rude. i'm trying to be less hypocritical about my sister..... i know it's hard.....but by going out with friends...how does your relationship with your parents become better? just because you mess up your chores...maybe try and try harder so that your mommy can see the effort you put in. why do you continually allow yourself to be upset when you and only you have the power of choice to change it. ultimately GOD is in control.....maybe the lesson here is unity???

hm.....you know that bear i bought that is just sitting there and collecting dust? well there's more than just a promise i bought it for.

here goes
1) because of the promise i made....my word means alot even though it's something that is simple....i was raise up where the words of others means alot...so my words should mean much
2) my promise was made when both of us were in bad times. both of us made that promise to bring a smile on each others faces (even i knowing how much you don't smily outwardly)
3) because i care....and because your friendship means much to me. and i was hoping that you would see the hope even when times are grey.....

but maybe all those things i just thought too much about....maybe i'm just a fruitty nut that thinks way too much because she can?

one who is an alchoholic can not be helped. not saying that i will not try to help....but i can only do what i can. this is what i can say......and i know these words won't be conforting to hear.....but in my opinion....this is what i half know and half believe.

but this is what i say to an alchoholic with a son who is a christian and constantly struggles with the times of today. i tell the son this....you are not alone....your struggle is normal....nothing new under the sun. your father struggles with substance because he himself feels no hope for tomorrow. he struggles with substance because he finds no way out of his pain and suffering. he struggles with substance because of the greatest mystery....why a human lives witout GOD? basically, he struggles with substance because one feels completely empty.

you love your family, even if you say you don't like them. you say your sister has no respect for anyone in her house....but before you look upon others....look in your own reflection first. do you see yourself doing what your sister does? i am not perfect....but i know this....you do not like being home...so you run out and hang with your friends to avoid them. you know....that bear i gave you was more than just a punch bag if you wanted it to be one.

these are only a few reasons why i gave it to you. firstly, i must remind you that i promised to get you one because of your torment within yourself. but that's what you have the stress ball for. i promised you that i would get you one and to me.....my word means alot to me and i want people to see that their words in affect hurts others.
secondly....this is how i see it....that bear was a promise for better times. yes.....the promise was made when you and i were both feeling miserable....but you see.....it was a promise that you and me made to bring each other a smile on each other's face.
hm....this might sound sooo scary and stalkerish...but i mean it with the sincerist of love....
that bear....is well given to you out of the decency of my heart.....i cherish our friendship....materialistic substance can't begin to explain how much it's worth to me.....you leave it on the foot or the head of your bed collecting dust....but even collecting dust has it's purpose..... i would not be mad at you for squishing it or dementing it...

but all those things....i prolly thought too much about. i just hope you remember that we went through rough patches before...you can do it again.....stay in GOD. TRUST IN HIM. WALK WITH HIM. then when you do....you will find strength you never thought you had.

over the year and a few months....i have posted close to 700 entries....a lacking of three entries...and after this one...will be a lacking of only two to reach seven hundred. that must say alot..... hm....my thoughts....i think too much....within a year minus the problems with my pc....i posted close to 700!!! holy crap....

maybe the doc is right....i am chronically depressed only because i allow myself to view things in the negative of the negatives.

i live among the worst of criminals...those that fall short of the glory of GOD and call themselves perfect only because no human is. the greatest of all tragedies.

i am only a great sinner....constantly i live in denial of being a christian in front of others, but truly hating myself for it. why do i have the guts to stick up for myself and others of this world, but simply cannot stand up for CHRIST?!?!? why? why is it so hard to stand up for him. if i deny him....he will deny me......but why is it so hard to live in the light? hm.....

the goals for a more happier time:
1) stop swearing
2) stop drinking
3) stop going to parties where there are people i should not be around
4) stop thinking depressing thoughts (basically stop residing in where i should not reside)

hard goals to follow by i know....especially the last one....but maybe the top of my list should be do's not don'ts.... now my do list

1) do rely on GOD more
2) do pray in front of people that are non-believers....why should i be the one intimidated???....i should be the one intimidating....
3) do read the bible more....even in the dead of night when i am almost dead tired....
4) do start attending church with a willingness, not going because of a ritual/ routine....