at times, words and actions and motives aren't enuff......some battles are never won....
well maybe deem deep down inside....i may have been unhappy.....but i have no clue.....with those that i'm close with....no matta rain or shine....i feel brite as day.....
this week will not be a good one i predict....cause i had a horrible sunday.....and horrible sundays fall into a horrible category from bad to the most worst.....i'll prolly get injured by bumping into sumthing or sumthing this week....which normally happens when i have a horrible sunday.....
though my lyphe may seem to be in constant storms....the weather mocks meh with such nice sunshine. it taunts meh knowing that my true compasion is to be like shining sun.
a lost lamb....dat's what everyone is....when dey dun have christ....but it paints a lovely image.....so lovely to the point that i wonder if i could fall into that image. i am no innocent.....but to many of the ways of the world....maybe, and maybe not.
yes......suppose that my memories are not being suppressed only because i am willing to talk.....but each time i speak bout such things....i break down and cry....each and everytime....it's like peeling the scab off an almost healed scab.....everyone's afraid.....why is everyone afraid of tears??? why is everyone afraid of everything besides happiness???? is everything else that hideous??? comeon....some peeps need to face the music....not everything is with even notes and beats.....some are very uneven and with odd beats.....so what??? it's still music in it's own way....look at the big picture....not the lil things.....grrr....
why does everyone just see this lil gurly within ur own problems??? are they blinded by my unhappiness??? cause if dat's it.....i will not get it away.....cause i'd rather teach peeps with a living example of one who can still survive even though with many wars within....facing it not happily!!! yeah.....i'm stubborn....and i suppose i'm stuckup.....i run for help....knowing that i need it.....i talk to counsellors at skool knowing that they will never run to my parents...and halfly cause adults are normally willing to listen cause those of my age dun wanna understand peeps like meh.....dere rainbow colored world will always be soo colored world and will not accept the shade of black and white......
funnay joke.....well it wuz said in smallville...but it made a big impact on meh....halfly cause de expression wuz soo funnay....and halfly it has great meaning......
person numba one) you know, the world cannot always be seen in black in white.....
person numba two) so what??? u see the world in grey?!?!?
person numba one) ....
it's funnay i suppose cause i'm the person that sees everything as black or white...not wanting to see color....maybe cause i'd rather not be sooo complicating...but then again....maybe colors is what i am......cause i don't think a certain way and think about everything. i can think happy thoughs, sad thoughts, angry thoughts....all at the same time.....i live life knowing what is right and wrong and judging by what GOD thinks is right or wrong. of course i ain't perfect...nor close to perfect....but the fact of the matter is that there are things that just can't ever be comprehended. everyone struggles to be accepted...but then again....i'd rather be the loner who isn't accepted by n e one, but is accepted by everyone at the same time......cause a) the lone is constantly feeling kinda crappy all da time cause he has very few if at all n e friends and 2) cause everyone knows he's a loser.....so he's known in a way and accepted by the way he is......and meh.....i have not found a position to be accepted in n e way....besides dose who are very close to meh.....which is good....in a way......
bak to the analogy....i'd rather be said to be a lost puppy.....cause my whines are loud.....cause my complaints are always unpleasant...and mostly cause i have much whining and complaints.....sighs.....besides you and like 2 other peeps....rarely n e one wanna read my thoughts n e more....it's too bitter or salty for the taste of the happy-go-luckies out dere......i guess in grade 7 and 8 i wuz da happiest child ever......not cause i suppressed my past....but cause i wuz able to live on having forgotten most of it......now everything hits meh again....and i find i am unable to be as strong as i used to....or maybe cause i don't want the wall of fake happiness n e more....so i am able to express all emotions.....everyone thinks i'm just too sensitive......but den again....am i??? am i not cold??? saying i'm sensitive would mean i'm l ike burning fire that never goes out......but how in n e way??? just cause i am able to express myself and feel pain cause i don't want it any other way makes meh super sensitive??? grrr.....why are some peeps thoughts soooo narrow minded.....or maybe i am just too opinionated and critical......i have no clue.....i don't have an idea for many things...mostly cause i don't wanna know everything.....but the problem dere is dat i am very knowledgeable...no matta how i try not to be....i will always be knowledgeable cause you tell meh one thing and i will rememba if it's important.....
that is not always bad....but isn't always good....in many ways.....i'll always rememba everything that happens to meh.....i may forgive very very easily, but i may never ever forget only cause it's not in my nature....some things i haveta forget to be happy, but i can't forget....so dere's a big big dilema....so meh no noe.....
the fact of the matter, i go in circles instead of straight to the point...or maybe all my words go straight into the point that it feels like i'm going in circles.....through all these entries....my personality is revealed....why??? how??? u cannot see my expression through these words...but u are able to feel.....and u can imagine the thoughts going through my head....
meh never seem to amuse you (not in n e way disgusting), because i'm constantly thinking.....it's not like u haven't thought of the thoughts i have thought....i know you have....u dun even haveta tell meh cause it's just da way i say things in that makes u think muchie.....i noe dis cause....if someone said stuff like dis to meh....i'd prolly think about all da times i went through thinking bout dat.
ur shocked to hear dat i wanna be a phychologist.....yeah, dat's the thing....it causes thoughts to pop up in my head too....cause as u well know, i seem to have alot of emotional problems......and u noe i've been through enuff physical problems too......and the one who needs to be helped wants to help. u may ask how in any way may i help......this i say i can...why??? cause those who go through much distress always have a way to help......always.....my daddy says....if you never ask peeps to help you...how will you ever learn to help others??? then in the same way.....i'm happier when peeps tell meh dere problems.....even doe i noe dat dey dun tell meh n e more cause dey think i'm already too distressed....this means dey dunno meh too well. as you noe...ur strength and happiness sometimes comes from those around you.....it's a rubbing exsistance...it's like share the wealth kinda way....in that sense....i'm like dat....cept knowing that i can help, helps meh feel betta. my lyphe is a constant battle of accpetance and acknowledgement.....times don't ever change.....battle through my young years were for the same thing, but of course it did not seem that way when i wuz lil, but hey, it's alritez.....what can i do bout da past aye??? just hoping to look forward to whatever comes.....
something i learnt from a surmon a week before i broke up in february.......LOVE CANNOT BE FORCED.....NO MATTA HOW MUCH YOU LOVE OR THE OTHER PERSON LOVES.....LOVE IS SOMETHING THAT IS TAUGHT TO ACKNOWLEDGE THROUGH THE ACCEPTANCE OF THE MATTER....IT IS TAUGHT TO RESPECT AND REGUARD....in a sense....i believe my mission is done, at least to the mission to learn to love....cause i know i am capable of loving....
now my mission is to find a way to stand alone in the storm and survive....but along the way.....finding others to help the lost battle....
