if i start pointing fingers...there will always be four fingers pointing back at me. so then....these fingers used to mean something. i just can't remember what they mean now.
a stage in life.....blah.....a mentality....okie...show me some other that will sweep me away and i won't come back? possible?
i'm similar to everyone, but yet i still am an image of self, me, Sabina Tsang. the way i think is the way i think. my past shapes my present. my present shapes my future. so you know what......blah....another stupid understanding...or is it?
what i go through emotionally, i most definately need someone there with me. whether or not you believe in me that's your own choice. if you won't help me get over this "mentality" that you speak of....then don't make it worst for me. i'm getting frustrated...but i know i must calm down and think that you are only saying what you think best to help me...or are you? doesn't matter......i'll be getting over this one just like i get over everything else in my life and try to forget whether i can or not.
everyone will be leaving me...and this is my chance to try to make everything better and mend something that I, MYSELF BROKE.
if you don't want to help me.....then don't......don't go saying things that makes me hurting more inside because you have become "stern" with problems. everyone else goes through it i understand......but everyone goes through it differently...maybe you can face it one way and it worked......but what may work for you isn't or may not work for me.
on to a happier note......i'll be fine.......i'll try to be more patient. i'll try to be less sloppy. i'll try to be happier.....i'll stop trying and actually be myself. i am a-o-k
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails.
Sunday, November 14, 2004
thank you guys
sighs sighs.....i just don't know what to say. all i know is that i've caused pain for everyone around me....and there's nothing i can say except.....i'm sorry, but thanx for everything you've tried to do. maybe the results weren't instant, but it doesn't mean it hasn't helped.
reading over a chat log that i had just today.....and this one person says "like when you go up and talk to someone about your feelings/emotions...it just makes them feel this much closer to you...." and reading that.....it makes me see how much i've been neglecting everyone in the process of trying to figure out who i am.
time and time again....i get you people frustrated because you just don't seem to be able to figure out the way i was and why in a certain situation. and time and time again, i say i don't know...and i honestly can't justify myself with an answer because sometimes the way i feel is just simply just a feeling that means shit. "tomorrow i will change, and today won't mean a thing."
i'm sorry for causing confusion for you people. i know you care.......thank you from the bottom of my heart. it may seem that it doesn't help because i just don't talk and think in my brain the whole time i'm on the phone. it may get you frustrated that i'm not talking.....but just hearing what you say clears up my mind, even if it just makes me think much more at the time. i think it helps. thanx
simply put....i need you people......whether i like strangers or not, i can't treat friends like strangers. i can't have friends when i want them there and not have them there when i don't want them there....they are there whether i need them or not...that's what a friend is. i suppose....what i need is space and time.....and on the other half....i need attention. everything must be in balance or everything just goes off whack...and for now....must learn to balance. so.....i must figure things out by myself. i just haveta balance out every priority in my life and straighten up everything going on in my mind life and everyone else's life too.
today was such a wake up call. i can't keep closing myself up in a box because i feel afraid and ashamed of myself. if a bird were to stay in its nest every day, when will it learn to fly? the point is.....if i never get outta the nest and where i feel safe...then i will never fly and learn n e thing. it's the same as driving....the more you are afraid of it...the worst you drive...therefore, stay calm at all times, even when you are lost. and if you are like me, i get lost all the time, the key....stay calm and just relax....... no need to get myself tooo riled up over nothing. must learn to stay calm and patient.
no one is alienating me.....but i alienate myself......for reasons.....psychological punishment i assume...grrr...hate myself...but haveta learn to love myself and treat myself better. but all at the same time i must learn to not be self-centered and selfish.
i'm nowhere near perfect, and i'm not the only one in this world that is like this. we will get through all this stuff together. we may not always agree. we may not always be on the same page. we may not always totally understand each other. but we have each other to learn from. we can't experience each and everyone's mistakes by ourselves. i know it sounds corny.....
from the bottom of my heart.....thank you guys sooo muchie. well now, all i need is some pms pills and i'm all set and ready to go. so yeah......lub you guys soooo muchie. you are all so good to me.
reading over a chat log that i had just today.....and this one person says "like when you go up and talk to someone about your feelings/emotions...it just makes them feel this much closer to you...." and reading that.....it makes me see how much i've been neglecting everyone in the process of trying to figure out who i am.
time and time again....i get you people frustrated because you just don't seem to be able to figure out the way i was and why in a certain situation. and time and time again, i say i don't know...and i honestly can't justify myself with an answer because sometimes the way i feel is just simply just a feeling that means shit. "tomorrow i will change, and today won't mean a thing."
i'm sorry for causing confusion for you people. i know you care.......thank you from the bottom of my heart. it may seem that it doesn't help because i just don't talk and think in my brain the whole time i'm on the phone. it may get you frustrated that i'm not talking.....but just hearing what you say clears up my mind, even if it just makes me think much more at the time. i think it helps. thanx
simply put....i need you people......whether i like strangers or not, i can't treat friends like strangers. i can't have friends when i want them there and not have them there when i don't want them there....they are there whether i need them or not...that's what a friend is. i suppose....what i need is space and time.....and on the other half....i need attention. everything must be in balance or everything just goes off whack...and for now....must learn to balance. so.....i must figure things out by myself. i just haveta balance out every priority in my life and straighten up everything going on in my mind life and everyone else's life too.
today was such a wake up call. i can't keep closing myself up in a box because i feel afraid and ashamed of myself. if a bird were to stay in its nest every day, when will it learn to fly? the point is.....if i never get outta the nest and where i feel safe...then i will never fly and learn n e thing. it's the same as driving....the more you are afraid of it...the worst you drive...therefore, stay calm at all times, even when you are lost. and if you are like me, i get lost all the time, the key....stay calm and just relax....... no need to get myself tooo riled up over nothing. must learn to stay calm and patient.
no one is alienating me.....but i alienate myself......for reasons.....psychological punishment i assume...grrr...hate myself...but haveta learn to love myself and treat myself better. but all at the same time i must learn to not be self-centered and selfish.
i'm nowhere near perfect, and i'm not the only one in this world that is like this. we will get through all this stuff together. we may not always agree. we may not always be on the same page. we may not always totally understand each other. but we have each other to learn from. we can't experience each and everyone's mistakes by ourselves. i know it sounds corny.....
from the bottom of my heart.....thank you guys sooo muchie. well now, all i need is some pms pills and i'm all set and ready to go. so yeah......lub you guys soooo muchie. you are all so good to me.
pathetic
oh you see.....i am pathetic. or at least in my sense
because i lack a wanting of change.....i try to stay the same....and because of this......i feel the way i do. and therefore, i am a pathetic person because i prolong a process that i know i should already be out of.
i create more problems then there actually is. sighs sighs.
you mei you ren ke yi ming bai wo de xin ching le?
i'd just tell you to give up on me.....because by me typing out all my thoughts on here....it's already a big step.
if you look at it now....i'm becoming more and more reclusive.....but that's only a matter of perspective.
i ever only want and never try to achieve.....therefore...making me even more pathetic......what makes me the most worthless and not worthy of n e thing is that i know the situation, i know how to fix it....i just don't try to fix it. and therefore.....i have emotional spasms like this one...
blah.....you are all angry at me......i know i know....
because i lack a wanting of change.....i try to stay the same....and because of this......i feel the way i do. and therefore, i am a pathetic person because i prolong a process that i know i should already be out of.
i create more problems then there actually is. sighs sighs.
you mei you ren ke yi ming bai wo de xin ching le?
i'd just tell you to give up on me.....because by me typing out all my thoughts on here....it's already a big step.
if you look at it now....i'm becoming more and more reclusive.....but that's only a matter of perspective.
i ever only want and never try to achieve.....therefore...making me even more pathetic......what makes me the most worthless and not worthy of n e thing is that i know the situation, i know how to fix it....i just don't try to fix it. and therefore.....i have emotional spasms like this one...
blah.....you are all angry at me......i know i know....
my mmma's right
the way i am living, i live like a pointless person. i am an impatient person that starts yelling at everyone just because things don't go my way.
more than one person has told me i'm selfish....and therefore......it must be right to some extent.
i mean, i totally understand where my parents are coming from when they call me selfish......and i rather kinda understand where brian is coming from when he called me selfish...whether or not it was a misunderstanding or not.
imma glum chum......
it was nice that people phoned me, but the phonecall didn't leave me all tooo excited either. i suppose it's still nice to know that some people take the time outta their day to waste it and call me. i mean, we didn't accomplish n e thing by talking to me for 2 hours plus......and by the end of it.....i started pushing everything away because i didn't wanna say n e thing.
there's no point in posting my thoughts on here n e more......it doesn't help....and it only leaves me feeling more and more shitty because more and more things get twisted the wrong way and end up going toward rock bottom and i'm tooo lazy to reverse the whole situation sometimes. sighs sighs.
suicide is an escape....it's freedom beyond this.....it's asking for it when i talk about it......but is it not enough that i say these thoughts and yet must be drilled on them till the point that i may actually run off and go doing it because it makes me feel even more shitty.
yes....friends are there to help....but sometimes.....it leaves me in a larger world of it's own.....
i want to be alone....that's just the way i am.....
when i get no attention....all i want is attention....when i have attention....i want nothing to do with it. there is no balance in my life. everything is towards one extreme or the other.
maybe all i do is sit on my ass because i'm tooo lazy to change anything happening in my life. i suppose that's the root to all my problems......now....where do i get energy and perseverance to get off my ass and do something from?
it's pointless to go and try helping me. the main issue is.....i am tooo concerned with self to notice n e thing else in life. i see everything good going on around me and question myself why i don't feel that way....and it's completely frustrating. the way i feel is just the way i feel. there isn't always a reasoning to why i feel a certain way....i just do.
emotions aren't that important, but emotions....that's just what makes me me.......
more than one person has told me i'm selfish....and therefore......it must be right to some extent.
i mean, i totally understand where my parents are coming from when they call me selfish......and i rather kinda understand where brian is coming from when he called me selfish...whether or not it was a misunderstanding or not.
imma glum chum......
it was nice that people phoned me, but the phonecall didn't leave me all tooo excited either. i suppose it's still nice to know that some people take the time outta their day to waste it and call me. i mean, we didn't accomplish n e thing by talking to me for 2 hours plus......and by the end of it.....i started pushing everything away because i didn't wanna say n e thing.
there's no point in posting my thoughts on here n e more......it doesn't help....and it only leaves me feeling more and more shitty because more and more things get twisted the wrong way and end up going toward rock bottom and i'm tooo lazy to reverse the whole situation sometimes. sighs sighs.
suicide is an escape....it's freedom beyond this.....it's asking for it when i talk about it......but is it not enough that i say these thoughts and yet must be drilled on them till the point that i may actually run off and go doing it because it makes me feel even more shitty.
yes....friends are there to help....but sometimes.....it leaves me in a larger world of it's own.....
i want to be alone....that's just the way i am.....
when i get no attention....all i want is attention....when i have attention....i want nothing to do with it. there is no balance in my life. everything is towards one extreme or the other.
maybe all i do is sit on my ass because i'm tooo lazy to change anything happening in my life. i suppose that's the root to all my problems......now....where do i get energy and perseverance to get off my ass and do something from?
it's pointless to go and try helping me. the main issue is.....i am tooo concerned with self to notice n e thing else in life. i see everything good going on around me and question myself why i don't feel that way....and it's completely frustrating. the way i feel is just the way i feel. there isn't always a reasoning to why i feel a certain way....i just do.
emotions aren't that important, but emotions....that's just what makes me me.......
chilli
hm...for some reason....i hate chilli....but today....right now...chilli has never tasted sooo good. hm...that's weird
tears
i am a coward. i am a fool. i feel like shit.....i always do. why won't this feeling just leave me....why can't i just be emotionless and uncaring? why must i care and why must i have feelings?
fine brian, you say i'm a selfish lil brat....fine.....then maybe i am.....*sobs*
i don't know who i am n e more. i feel like i'm just this miserable person compared to everyone in my family and everyone in my family is a saint because they care about each and every one else. i don't do well enough in school and don't treat people in my family all tooo great. args.....
my fucking mistake for going out last night. i really shouldn't have. i see i shouldn't have. sighs sighs. it's my fault that i was being immature and just a little brat and didn't see how much my sister wanted me. blah.....my priorities are messed up.
i don't belong here. all i end up doing is hurting everything and everyone around me. and most of all, i don't feel n e better. all i feel like is shit. everyone cares tooo much or tooo lil. some people are insensitive bastards that don't know how to say things nicely and just end up backlashing me into more hurt and depression.
i will never go to n e one else with my problems. never. some people's advice doesn't help me and only hurts me more. some people's advice works, but only for a short period of time.
i am a christian......but there is a difference between believing you are a christian and whether or not you actually are. args args.
i wish i were mute, i wish i were deaf, i wish i were blind, i wish i was immoble, i wish i was unable to have thoughts and ideas.......i just wish i wasn't alive.
leave me alone!!!
fine brian, you say i'm a selfish lil brat....fine.....then maybe i am.....*sobs*
i don't know who i am n e more. i feel like i'm just this miserable person compared to everyone in my family and everyone in my family is a saint because they care about each and every one else. i don't do well enough in school and don't treat people in my family all tooo great. args.....
my fucking mistake for going out last night. i really shouldn't have. i see i shouldn't have. sighs sighs. it's my fault that i was being immature and just a little brat and didn't see how much my sister wanted me. blah.....my priorities are messed up.
i don't belong here. all i end up doing is hurting everything and everyone around me. and most of all, i don't feel n e better. all i feel like is shit. everyone cares tooo much or tooo lil. some people are insensitive bastards that don't know how to say things nicely and just end up backlashing me into more hurt and depression.
i will never go to n e one else with my problems. never. some people's advice doesn't help me and only hurts me more. some people's advice works, but only for a short period of time.
i am a christian......but there is a difference between believing you are a christian and whether or not you actually are. args args.
i wish i were mute, i wish i were deaf, i wish i were blind, i wish i was immoble, i wish i was unable to have thoughts and ideas.......i just wish i wasn't alive.
leave me alone!!!
sadness
i deserve every bit of scorn that everyone gives me. i truly deserve it and i know this.
i'm not a great friend. i'm not a great person. i'm an insignificant peice of shit that is ruining everything around me by making it look bad and smell bad.
i don't want to run n e more.....i just wanna die. and this time.....i'm seriously considering. and someone who truly cares would report to my parents that i'm feeling suicidal. but if you think that will do me n e good.....don't even think about it. i can't take the way everyone cares about me. i just can't take it. i feel sooo out of place. i don't belong here. i'm not fit to live here. i'm not fit to belong in this world.
i just wanna disappear
i'm not a great friend. i'm not a great person. i'm an insignificant peice of shit that is ruining everything around me by making it look bad and smell bad.
i don't want to run n e more.....i just wanna die. and this time.....i'm seriously considering. and someone who truly cares would report to my parents that i'm feeling suicidal. but if you think that will do me n e good.....don't even think about it. i can't take the way everyone cares about me. i just can't take it. i feel sooo out of place. i don't belong here. i'm not fit to live here. i'm not fit to belong in this world.
i just wanna disappear
not a good child
i will never please my parents. i am and will always be tooo cold in their eyes. i don't love. i don't know what love is. i have no heart. my heart is black.
some one give me some cough syrup.
args.....
just leave me alone!!!!!
some one give me some cough syrup.
args.....
just leave me alone!!!!!
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