hm......i wish i could become a singer. i think that's the only dream i actually have. it's like the only motivation i have. but i know i would never be able to become a singer even if i had the contacts and everything.....

i don't sing horribly....and i know that too. i sing pretty well if you ask me. keke^^

but i know not everyone thinks my voice is all that great. sighs sighs. thats why when people tell me to shut up when i'm singing it actually stings. but still, smile and bear it. keke^^ so yeah. i think i can handle a simple shut up. i've been able to handle it before...why not now? keke^^

i've become a mushroom head. keke^^

so even if i didn't recieve many b-day gifts yesterday.....i already have tons and tons of gifts. keke^^ gifts of love. keke^^ it's the lil things in life that make it enjoyable. keke^^ i'm pretty sure if i called jenny she would have said happy b-day too. she never ever forgets my b-day, even though once or twice i have forgotten hers because it's soooo close to the beginning of school. but still, jenny is a total sweetie.

i call alot of people sweeties. but still, sweets can still hurt. but that ain't the point. keke^^ i mean.....i've known my share of meanies too.....but most meanies are just afraid to be sweet because it can hurt. and they are just plain afraid of getting hurt. i don't blame them. they don't want to trust n e one not even themselves because they know nothing is reliable in this world.

but to me.....i find that it's not worth being all upset and never trusting n e one. as i say....i'd always rather hurt feeling then to not hurt at all.

i mean.....i have been suicidal. but the reason for that was because i had stopped feeling. i felt nothing. no pain even though i knew i should feel pain. i felt no happiness even though i had much to be happy about. i felt nothing. and it drove me insane. and so my thoughts drove to dying. but i never succeeded. so yeah. i took it as a sign. that i have better things to do in my life of living on earth. so yah. keke^^

i write alot of thoughts. but it's the summer, i have alot of time to myself. so yeah. keke^^

i just noticed that i don't like twins singing mando. i think it's just queer because i ain't used it. keke^^

oh yes.....

then my family went to big land farm....supposed to be a family din din. got too lazy so yeah....just ate there because i really didn't want to go to restaurant yesterday.

saw willy's sister, lillian there. when she saw me i think she said fuck because that's what her mouth seemed to mouth. and halfly because i heard it. but i didn't say i. i was wondering if she'd say hey to me. and i know that she knew it was me....because i was standing there and just staring at her. keke^^ so if she didn't recognize my parents.....she would have just thought i was weird.

but either way. it doesnt matter. she's still a sweetie to me even though people can change. i mean...even her brother i think is a sweetie. even if he has changed to become a sex/rapist fiend. but still. doesn't matter

now let's see, egh....

mommy came home at 3, i was talking to ken, but she needed the phone, so i just stopped talking. hm. at 4:30, they had to go to the doctors, and i wasn't sure if i should go....but i did go. keke^^

and when i came home...the biggest surprise was laying there right in front of me. keke^^ totally made my day. keke^^ jean and ann purposely drove all the way to my house just to drop off my gift! aw.... completely made my day. when i called them, ann was like, why didn't you tell us? and i was like....tell you what? keke^^

they gave me another pencil case. it was pretty....it was baby blue with hearts on it. from like elle. keke^^ she owns alot of stuff from elle. but hey. it's kool. keke^^ it's very femenine. but i thought it was such a cute gift. they gave me a mug that said the lord is my shepheard i shall not be in want. hm....what a great reminder. keke^^ and then she gave me something i call a change purse with egh.....a pudding dog on it. keke^^ i mean, i used to like pudding dog, but i'm in love with pucca now, but still i thought it was very very cute and i still do like pudding dog, so why not. keke^^

well out of the whole day.....i didn't get any gifts.....besides that one frome jean and ann, but that's not the point......on special occasions like this, one should be just grateful to feel all the love that comes. keke^^

then it makes me think about how i have been such an ungrateful kid the past year. keke^^ but still, it's all good. keke^^

well, let's recount yesterday. it was sooo great. keke^^

well i didn't do muchie but the whole day was one of my favourite memories. i think it's good. i started my 17th year with happy one! keke^^ unlike my 13th. boo. but hey. that's all in the past ain't it?

well on to yesterday's events

yesterday woke up to a phone call around like 8:24 by my sister. she's sucha sweetie. she woke me up thinking i would be awake, but normally i am, but lately i've been waking up closer to 9 than n e thing. but n e ways, she woke up me saying happy birthday. she was all sorry when she heard that my voice sounded like a cow because i just woke up. she's like....man, i'm sooo sorry, i haveta sooo make up for that. keke^^ then she calls like at 8:40 to say that she forgot her volunteer pass. she told me to run and get her. sighs sighs, i hadn't even eaten or changed. so then i had to run to give it to her. then when she came home at like 12. she was like.....wow....look at all that stuff you do for me. if you really didn't care, you wouldn't have done that. even if it was a delayed reaction, you gave it to me still. oh yeah, was impressed by myself....normally on a normal walking time to the place we were supposed to meet, it takes about 8-10 mins depending on how fast i walk. but then.....i ran most of the way......and i'm totally not a runner, sprinter yes, but not runner. but i made it there in 4 mins!!!! ain't that great?!?!? yeah yeah!!!

well when i came home at like let's see.....around 8:50. made my day to talk to people. keke^^ well talked to ray in the morning. keke^^ he was waiting for his like god-sis. keke^^ sucha sweetie. keke^^ and then let's see. talked to cat. she said that she needed a mattress. well since i had an extra one.....why not just give it? since we are moving n e ways....might as well. keke^^ oh yes.....GOD has a plan for why we do the things we do. then, when i was looking for the matress, i thought my mommy gave it away....and then i was prepared to give her my matress, but then hey....i found the extra one...with the bed, keke^^ it's good. it's kinda squeaky though....so hm.....but she said it would be fine. she said she needed a desk, i have two. make me happy to be able to help others. keke^^ even if i can't change the world, it makes me happy to at least change someone's mood. keke^^

i like trying to help others as much as i possibly can.

bri said happy b-day to me on his lj....knowing i'd read it......it like completely just made my day! keke^^:D:P the small things people do that make me sooo happy. :D:P meh=sucha seeeepecial freak! keke^^

well let's see......after talking to cat, i can't remember what happened. oh yeah.......ken said he would call me at three. so then from 12 to 3 i was watching a movie and halfly waiting for ken's phone call. it's sooo sad i know, but when people tell me that they are going to call me, i sit by the phone watching tv and actually waiting for them to call me. that's why i get really disappointed when people don't call me when they said they would. but meh, disappointment in life is normal.

oh yes, around 10ish.......called my friend jacky. keke^^ didn't end up going for volunteering thingy. but still, i was busy n e ways.....so yeah. keke^^ at like 1ish...val called me. keke^^ felt sooo seeepecial. i mean.....b-days to me don't mean that muchie to me, but still.

ne ways....back to the convo with ken. said he would never meet up with cat because he just doesn't like to see ex's. said he wasn't mad at me because he didn't think it was my fault. even though i think it is a bit. and he said that he would never be a meany and yell at me because i'm nice to him. keke^^ sucha sweetie, one that looks like a fox in a way.

crap man, why do i always like those that look like a fox in one way or another. most times.....their personality even reflects that they are a fox too!!! what the heck. args. gotsta find someone i ain't attracted to by looks and love his personality. oh wellz, ain't my time yet. keke^^

keke^^ me a happy child today. but then again.....i should be happy n e ways. there are no such things as a bad day as Matt says. simply, we just have better days which make our so called bad days seem not as good. every day is a good day because you can wake up and see it. even if you are simply paralyed, you still have good days, except you may live in pity. when you live in pity, most times you just don't see all the good around you. most times when you say you had a great day is just a better than average day. if you have a bad experience, it doesn't mean the day is ruined, it just isn't as great.

man, i miss matt, he always puts a smile on my face. him and his horny stupid weird ass jokes. i don't know what it is about him but out of all my school friends, i miss him, and jenny the most. i mean, i've seen natalie and cat and med, but i just never miss them alot. i mean. that's what i'm afraid of. i'm graduating next year....and then on my own for another while.....will they remember me and mostly will i remember them or just of them?

i wonder how many words i can type now. i mean, i used to be able to type really really quickly. but now i can feel that i began to type quicker. i'm more used to the keys and key strokes. so basically if it was a foreign word it would take me a longer while to spell. but then again, if i have memorized the keys what's sooo hard about typing? keke^^ years and years of typing skills are great. but meh. started typing when i was 6. but then when it was then i just tried not to chicken pec, where as now, i actually don't chicken peck.