Desparate!

sighs sighs.

i laugh at distress and cry at the pleasnatries of life. sighs sighs.

i live a life of sad tolerance. the world doesn't need another one like me. i don't need myself to be the way i am. sighs sighs. it's just not worth it. sighs sighs. nothing is.

sighs sighs.

school isn't made for people like me who need constant reassurance, or every step is a faultering one that only leads to a greater dead end. sighs sighs.

maybe i'm truly feeling such depression because all my classes are sooo full! each and everyone of my classes has at least 32 or 33 people! sighs sighs.

i have never liked to be in a big group of people, it just makes me feel more unwanted than ever. besides that fact, i start hating each and every part of myself. sighs sighs.

i suppose i'll just haveta go to the gym more often to release this tension i feel. sighs sighs, but the gym doesn't work n e more. i simply go there and it makes me feel worst. it actually makes me feel more and more fat. sighs sighs. i am burning fat and toning muscle? or am i simply just building it because i keep on gaining weight? sighs sighs. i feel fat. i need to take a defence class! sighs sighs.

Just Plain Missin It

sighs sighs. i just don't get it....why am i feeling sooo completely lonely even though i have the greatest of friends around me?

sighs sighs....

feeling like crap altogether though

will n e thing be able to lighten and cheer me?

sighs sighs.

What A Mess I've Made

well let's just see about all the things i've talked about. sighs sighs.

i'm feeling very much crapy on the second day of school. i think it's an epidemic, but maybe it's because of the stupid curriculum. sighs sighs.

i mean, i like, if not love my classes. but why do i feel soo shitty everytime it comes to school? sighs sighs.

feeling like crap....

haveta buy yarn!!!!

haveta buy some discs!!!!

args args.....

haveta get back to schoolwork that i'm almost done!!!

must do homework assigned by my tutor!!!!

args args.

soo many things to do....and yet i just wallow in the dark corners of my heart and mind. sighs sighs.

Sighs

i'm worried all about myself. i'm sucha selfish concieted little prick! sighs sighs. everyone of my friends is like in severe like death situations, and i worry about my own. just because i don't get what i want complain, whine and bitch about it. sighs sighs.

why am i sooo selfish? sighs sighs. why am i sooo concerned with myself? sighs sighs. there are many more things that i should be afraid for instead of myself. sighs sighs. i'm human i know, and it is in human nature to be scared for ones own life.....but still....sighs sighs.

i miss my friends. i miss not talking to them often.

i'm glad that i still have a few in my classes such as ray, jordan, matt, scott, alex, sonya, steve. sighs...but most of these people i don't even talk to besides ray and jordan. i rarely even talk to matt, scot, alex sonya or steve. sighs sighs. last year was sooo much better.

i think i'm falling apart. if i have started the semester like this, man, it will only get more severe. sighs sighs.

i like a scheduled life, it's what i'm made for. but sighs....my schedule can just go down to the dumps because i don't get to see much of n e one. sighs sighs. no one shows concern. no one comes looking for me. sighs sighs. oh wellz. what can i say? i'm not as important as i hope to be. but meh, that's just depression and self-unworthiness kicking in. sighs sighs.

holy crap, i think i really need to go get some drugs for my psychological problems. but i have never been one to rely solely on medicine. seriously, getting ill and getting better is mainly because you will it to or will it not to be. sighs sighs.

everyone has their problems, i know nothing going on in many people's life because i only concern myself with what I, ME, MYSELF feel! how pathetic is that? sighs sighs.

Feeling like Crap

sighs sighs. it's like the second day of school or so....and i am having a complete breakdown. sighs sighs. i don't really have many people that i like or agree with in any of my classes. the only class that i like and appreciate at this time is like society. i have like matt oh in it.....yeah....i know i sound desparate or sumthing, but seriously, seeing puts such a smile on my face. he like gives me memories of how last year was and how different and fun it was. sighs sighs. the only friend i have in like second period calc is like ray. i mean, i'll talk to alex, and i'll talkie to scott. i mean i love scott to death and everything, but him and i are just those types not to talk in class until the teacher lets us have our own time or like let's us out. well alex and i don't even have much to talkie about. sighs sighs. i can't really start a convo up with him actually. sighs sighs.

in diversity, i have katie in my class, she's a smile everywhere she goes. sighs sighs. i know she prolly has her own set of problems, i just wish i could be more like her. sighs sighs. i have like ray in this class too. seriously, i would go crazy if i didn't have like ray in calc or diversity. in diversity i can see that she gets tense though, cause we sit in such close proximity to stupid blonds.....not actually stupid....just lacking in terms to call the blonds sumthing. sighs sighs.

as school is progressing, i feel more and more like crap. i rarely see jenny in the halls, if ever i see her. sighs sighs. i don't even see her at the bus stop because she gets a ride. sighs sighs.

i don't have lunch with n e one, and i am basically isolating myself this whole semester. sighs sighs. it's sooo sad. sighs sighs.

i miss val, but hearing that she is having such a great time just makes me upset too. hearing others in distress just reminds me of the mood i am in now. sighs sighs.

i feel afraid to step out of my house and go to sauga now. sighs sighs. even though i have done nothing to cause n e one to come after me.....i don't even know what i'm afraid of. i'm simply afraid of my recent past now. sighs sighs.

honestly, when i see matt in the halls, i just wanna go up to him and give him a big hug....i don't know what triggers this emotion, but i seriously just wanna run up to him and give him a big hug. i don't know. it's not that, oh i like you so i wanna hug you kinda feeling, it's more like, i feel like shit, and he's like a teddy bear that just allows me to feel better about myself. i don't know....maybe it's cause he's asian? a very white washed asian? sighs sighs.

args.......

i feel sooo vulnerable!