it's getting closer and closer to twelve....but tonight i really can't stay up and i really must sleep....i'm running on an all time low energy for brain. well i gotsta sleep. gotsta go to the gym. gotsta gain sum muscle mass. gotsta loose sum fat. sooo many gotsta.....args....sleeping now...l8a everyone....LOVE YA'LLS

okay....so maybe i lied.....sollie bout dat. still can't sleep. yet. just yet. i'm like super exhausted though. since well.....i didn't sleep much at vals the previous night....and last night i didn't get much sleep either. and tonight.....i'm hoping jacky won't keep me up too late.

well she asked me to tutor her in math. why wouldn't i? i like to help people. and since she asked me....i may as well help. i have nothing better to do...so yeah....it's good to be of service.

maybe that's why people think i don't take good care of myself. people think i like being used. hm. i don't like being used....i just like the fact that i am being used to help someone. i may be making people more stupid....but doesn't mean that i don't like helping. i know it's a twisted way of thinking....but hey.....if you ask for my help.....and i can help you, i'll always be willing to help. sometimes it's sad that i put others before myself. but i'm not all that important. i mean....i am important....but for me....the people i hang around with really define who i am. maybe that's why i'm afraid to hang with a crowd that does drugs, drink, and smokes. the reason being is that i'm afraid i will become more like them. blah.....

i don't want to die because of brain damage caused by drugs. i don't want to die of stupid cancer sticks. i don't want to die because of a kidney failure due to alcohol. but everyone has a time to die because of sumthing. those are just reasons i don't think are worth dying for. i also don't think it's worth dying for someone who was never meant to be. i would die protecting any one of my friends. my friends mean the world to me. i may have known you for years, months, weeks and even days....but i'd still be willing to die.

i like the fact that i say i will be willing to die for friends....now i wonder if someone stuck a gun to my head and asked if i were a christian would i say yes.........i hope i would......

wow....i have 994 entries...and this one would be my 995 entry. keke^^ ain't that great? keke^^ about like 5 more after this...i will have 1000 entries. and i know no one has the time to read every single one of my thougths. keke^^ all good. yaya!!! but meh....most of my thoughts are about the same unpleasantries i have. meh...

let's see happy thoughts happy thoughts. took lots and lots of pics today. waiting for my friend to come and send them to me though. meh. oh wellz. can't wait.....going to the gym to release my tensions. keke^^ i think i'm starting to have stupid stress. yeah....stupid stress. there is good stress like when i worry about skool. but this stupid stress over nothing except that i haven't gotten enough sleep. meh. could care less unless i die of muscle atrophy or sumthing.

don't want what happened to me at X2 to happen to me again. that would be soooo horrible. i learnt my lesson of not eating for the day. yeah......did tooo much excercise and didn't have enough energy so my body broke down. sooo sad i know. i got alot of attention that day. and i started to go into fever after a few hours because my body was just tooo weak to keep homeostasis....which is a stable body temp. i know i am weak because alot of the times not only do i have mood swings...but i also have an inability to keep myself a good temp. i'm colder than the average person. meh.....

well it's 11 sumthing.....and no one has come on line....think i'll see to catch up on my z's....keke^^

why does any one wanna learn how to bottle up emotions? i don't get it...why? i do and i have mastered it....and even still.....i break down. i learnt to bottle my emotions because i was desparate. i didn't want to bug people. no one really wanted to listen to me. and honestly....i had been in and out of hardships sooo often that people just stopped listening even though they may have still cared. i'm an explosive can of pop with emotions that when shaken just enough will burst. but everyone is like that. it just depends on how much of a capacity you have. i have a low capacity. i burst out in tears any chance i have. well at least now i do. i've become sooo emotionally attached to everyone and everything in my life that i can't stop.

everyone's problem is love. but i'd rather hurt and love too much than love tooo little. that is why i'm devastated when something big happens to me. but i try to let it go. for some reason....i think my moodiness is an added effect to my lack of sleep and loneliness. meh.

wow.....alot of random internet dudes on my msn account. why the heck do sooo many people add me on their list? hm....eitha way....i met them on friendster. but still....scary. *chills* plus....i don't get why people assume i'm with someone. and when i tell them i'm single they are surprised even more and they apologize for it. meh.......another bunch of weirdies on line...keke^^

wonder if anyone will come online tonight and talkie to me. keke^^ that would just totally make my day if someone willingly messaged me. keke^^ i'm weird i know....but yeah....so are you. keke^^

any christian looking into the world in america will feel that the world is starting to fall into the end. but if you go into other places....you may not feel like this. if you lived in an isolated village on the outskirts of town, unless a big highway was built....it wouldn't feel any diff.

there are many things people cannot forget. there are many things that humans do not wish to continue. there are many reasons why we do not love the way we want to or hope to or wish to. just because you are human does not mean everything is impossible. it just means that alot of things are very hard to do, but not impossible. i am not saying that n e one is GOD or have the power like GOD himself, but instead, i am saying that WITH GOD, you can do everything.

"I can do everything through him who gives me strength."

on a tone more happier than my previous entry......how is everyone and everything doing?

well i am hoping that my friend would come on line to send me the pics. args args... waiting for her to send them to me. hm. still need alot of pictures. maybe i'll go around taking pictures of everyone i know. then at least i'll have a hppy memorie. or better yet....when val and i have collected all the bears.....take a picture of that with us in it. keke^^ wouldn't that just be fantastic? keke^^

well, i'm beginning to get tired. should have finished emperor's new groove for about the 4 time.....but hey....i didn't really want to keep uncle jack up soo late. i came home at 10:36. and i finished my shower about 20 mins after that. but meh. i don't know.

sighs sighs....i can't stop sighing......feeling soo.....sooo upset over something that i can't change. but don't worry....i think i haven't burst my bubble yet. so yeah. keke^^

sighs.....did my phrase....you are tooo cold hurt you much? sighs sighs. honestly, if i have hurt you alot, i sincerely apologize with all my heart. i didn't mean to hurt you, but honestly, in a sense you are. and i feel this especially to me. sighs sighs. i mean....we used to be very close. we could finish each other's sentences or thoughts. and i suppose we still can. sighs sighs. now days....you talk to val even more than you talk to me. sighs sighs. i can't say i'm jealous of this...i'm just hurt. my own buddy from skool tells me all the convos you have with her.....and yet....time and time again.....i don't even get a single word of hello unless my msn nn is like super depressed. what must i do to get your attention to just talk to me? for once, i would like to have a convo not on problems of what lies within our hearts. yet i think that these matters are what defines our friendship. sighs sighs. it saddens me to think of the way we are drifting. sighs sighs. i can't handle loosing another friend. i know time and time again out of no where you greet me to say hello.....but most of these times it's because my nn had been sad for a while. sighs sighs. i would like to know how your day was without me asking you. i would like to know whats on your mind without me asking you. but i know....not everyone is willing to spill all the beans like me. sighs sighs. i am sorry if i have offended you more, but i know when you read this that you will know who you are even though i didn't put a name in this entry. i know you will know.

on msn.....you are always on busy or away. no time is the right time for me to ever talk to you. sighs sighs. i don't know why but i needed to say it. i needed to speak what i wanted to say....and i know this will get me in trouble. i honestly know it will. but what can i do? it carries a whole big chunk of me everytime i go on msn or anywhere. i go on line, only looking forward to the certain people that would be talking to me.....one of them being you.....but you never talk to me. and when i do talk to you....it is as if you are unwilling to talk to me. you called me your best friend once. you called me your philosophical other......what has happened to all this? sighs sighs. i just don't know n e more. i don't like loosing my friends over a reason such as distance and time. i don't like loosing a friend over something i meant to say and have apologized sincerely for hurting if i have offended. i don't like loosing a friend that meant and still means the world to me. i would just rather not loose someone like you in my life again

any ways....not the point.....writing another thought in my blog.

okay. as most people know....i have gone to a few places this past week. yeah yeah! i'm a happy bum bum. as you see.....i thought that my summer would suck sooo bad because i have no where to go. but i think i enjoy the pace that i am doing things. even though i do alot day in and day out....i enjoy it even though i have splitting headaches because of my lack of sleep. as long it is not going on roller coasters like yesterday....i can enjoy everything i do with a headache and still bare it with a smile because i am having a great time! keke^^

let's do a count. on monday, civic holiday, didn't do anything. well i had a driving lesson. and got yelled at because i wasn't good enough to the point that he wanted me to be. but is that my fault? it's pretty good in my opinion.
tuesday.....i went to go get my summer school results.....args....i dropped....but on a happier note....i passed with a lot higher mark than i had originally! keke^^ after that.....i went shopping.....yeah yeah. shopping. as i previously stated, i only bought two things. well more like three. i bought a swimming suit from the kids section. i bought a designer skirt. i bought my wonderland pass. keke^^ isn't all that bad. pretty fun. but yeah. oh yeah....we can't forget that i bought bbt! keke^^ my green apple green tea. keke^^ val didn't buy her regular of red bean tea with ice cream.....never understand because red bean tea is normally a milk tea n e ways....so why the ice cream? meh. that's her preference. keke^^ we had korean bbq this night too!
then on wednesday....i slept over at vals. we also went to the gym. but i never got to finish my whole cardio workout because val felt that her mother was going to yell at her so we left early. keke^^ so i think that's a good thing i suppose. we ate korean bbq that night too. keke^^ she said i kept on pulling away the blanket. i'm sorry if i groan and moan.....i don't have pleasant dreams. whenever i remember them i'd feel miserable so most times it's better that i don't remember it. the only time i can remember when i didn't toss and turn in my sleep was almost two years ago. sighs sighs. ever since then, my sleep has been unpleasant. but on a happy note....i went to wonderland on thursday.
thursday: i had a good good time. but then i had a bad time too because i had a splitting headache *tap tap on forehead* "what is that?" answer: "it's when you were still a baby in your mothers womb and you mother and father were having sex." i don't know....but funnel cake is way tooo deep fried for my liking. i will split the money to eat it....but on my own account....i would not buy it because i don't really like it all that much. i liked the strawberry and icecream even more than i liked the cake. weird aye? oh wellz. not tooo bad. left the park at 9:50 ish or so.....and we could have gotten home in 20 mins if we didn't have to drive rachey home. but oh wellz....we had a good time altogether. keke^^ i will not go to wonderland for a long while. i think i am disappointed in the park because of my own personal issues. it's a place that "we" promised would go to with each other....but never ended up going because it just didn't work out between "us". sighs sighs. but even besides that fact.....roller coasters were fun....just that they caused my headache to be even worst. then val said that i have learnt to control my voice and that i am no longer super loud n e more. i find that an extremely bad sign. that means i am not truly happy with the way things are. args...but i just won't dwell on that and continue on in my happy mood.
on friday....which is today.....i went to the toronto zoo for the first time in my life today. i took sooo many picutres of animals that sooo few of them were of me. oh wellz. good enough n e ways. keke^^ i will load it up onto my pagie of pics for all to see.....i'll give people the site later when i have them posted on. keke^^ yups yups.
tomorrow. i'm planning to go to the gym. but i don't know. val's mom has asked me to come over and have another korean bbq. no...val is not korean....just that that's just what she likes to eat. keke^^ it's all good. keke^^ she's quite a picky eater that val. she doesn't like to eat much fruits.....but i don't like to eat much meat, but i still come over to have korean bbq because i feel bad for saying no to an offer.
sunday: i don't have plans for this day except to go to church, come home feeling a bit down and then going to the gym. keke^^ it will be pretty good. keke^^ yeah yeah. hm.....

well....

i see......got my translation...keke^^ even though i cannot read chinese, i can still understand it if someone read it to me! keke^^ i have my ways...yeah yeah.....but if i wasn't sooo lazy i may have well just opened my own translating program to have understood it. aw... i've known you for a week and you thank me for making you happy. aw......you are sucha sweety!

for some reason.....it's as if i should have known you early on in my life....but never had the chance too. but it's alrights....i know you now. keke^^

so it's a plan.....august 31st....going somewhere to bbt la! keke^^ you pick the place....keke^^ but i still haveta try a new drink n e ways.....i've only ever like tried two in my life....sooo sad.....but oh wellz.....

for some reason...there is something nagging at my heart. it is as if i am forgetting some thing. but i ca't remember. i am exhausted from going to wonderland today. i like totally became piss tired. hm....after a whole day of walking my muscles should feel tired....but yet my mind feels sooo tired and i can't control myself......people are coming to pick me up at 9ish tomorrow because we are going to the zoo!!! yeah yeah....

val never ended up taking a single picture with me...got me kind of upset...but does it really matter all that much?

never take me to wonderland till another 5 years has passed! i swear....those rides are totally not fun for me anymore. i have no thrill what so ever when i ride roller coasters. i mean yes i do, but no i don't all at the same time. i get a thrill right when i get on, but when the carts starts moving.....i have no thrill anymore. weird am i not? hm. can't help it....

want to talk to bri.....but he hasn't talked to me for sooo long. i really wonder what's up with this kid. his thoughts have been kinda upset lately. but i am afraid to ask what is wrong. when we are both feeling alrights....we rarely ever talk any more. sighs sighs. but i can't bare to loose a friend like bri. he means the world to me. i've known him only since grade 7, i never talked to him in the two years i went to school with him.....but in grade nine......he was the only one from elementry that i kept in touch with. i mean....i say happy birthday to everyone....but what is the thrill in that? it just entirely feels weird because i send a personalized email saying happy birthday to them. bri....i have no clue what's going on inside your head......

going to the zoo tom. i think i may actually not like the choice i made because i'm not sleeping early and i will be exhausted from today. sighs sighs. but i made the decision i will go...so i just have to.....

well going to be now....good morning to you all.....good night and sweet dreams to me....keke^^

for some reason.....i don't know why.....i have a bkg sound tag that links my music wit what cat has on her pagie.....hm....weird......when did i type in an html code for it to be on my pagie??? weird....very very weird.....hm.....i'll just haveta find the tag and delete it....maybe.....but i get alot of chinese songs dis way because i just upload it to a pc....keke^^ it's sooo great....chinese music!!! yeah yeha!!!!