i shall fall asleep and never wake up. sighs. but death isn't for those that wish for it. death only comes to those that are no longer themselves where actions seem to be blurs. sighs sighs. will i reach a state like that?

yeah, we have drifted, and i have drifted from everyone i know. all that i grasp is like holding air within my hands. it's not possible to hold it forever. sighs....when will i truly be happy? why must i always feel hollow every step that i take? why? why? WHY?!?!?

there is one person that wishes that i was dead. and that person, i have no clue what i've done to him. sighs. i, i, i, i fail to comprehend the emotions that torment me at the present moment.

sighs sighs. dispair is a domino effect. once one bad thing happens, everything else just follows. sighs sighs. holidays are over-rated. holidays are always supposed to be season of joy. but altogether, i find no joy anywhere to be found. i found christ, rather shall i say he found me, but i never feel that joy of as when i first believed. sighs. i have no more strength, and i suppose....it's all my fault. wishing that it isn't though. sighs sighs.

my efforts are never enuff. and people think i'm stupid, but does a stupid person think? does a stupid person have the ability to express what's on his or her mind? if so, tell me, which stupid person can? because if you call me stupid, sure, i'm darn proud, but if you call me smart, i'm unworthy of the title.

i'm no longer anything but a person. i'm no longer anyone, but just a person walking empty handed with no mission or goal in life. i am no long a person with a name. i am nothing, and unworthy of all titles and names.

you'd ask what's so bad about what i've just experienced, it doesn't matter what i've just done, but rather, what happens to me whenever i do something wrong. sighs sighs.

i don't like to lie to my parents. i feel bad. so i don't do it. and you know what's wrong with that? because the truth is, my parents don't believe me as much as they would. i don't like to believe lies, and if i say to myself out loud that i did good when really i didn't....i would believe that i did good. sad ain't it? sighsighs. don't tell me a lie, because i will believe it till the day i prove it isn't the truth. sighs sighs.

i'm crying in the corner
no one hears, nor does anyone see
i'm crying because of failure
failure that i don't know where to begin to express
failure to all that i cannot do
i'm human, but that's no excuse
i never believed in failure till i met myself.
when i finally reached reality, nothing there greets me with open arms
reality is harsh
it will always be
it's not my fault
it's not my fault
stop looking at me
stop yelling at me
stop it!
i cry, and i cry, but my tears are empty
no one hears, nor does anyone see
yet again, i've reached that pit that i had just left
a place where i thought i'd never find myself
i have lost myself in sorrow again
bright mornings shall come again, but the question, how soon?
rain will come, but for how long?
how long must this despair last?
how long must i wait and be tormented?
how long must i sit wishing and wanting?
how long? how long?
i cry and i cry, but no one hears

sadly enuff, i have come to a halt in my life. i'm wishing to die. and no means shall i take my life though. sighs sighs. in this weather...maybe i should walk out with a white jacket....so either i freeze, or i get run over by a car. sighs sighs. what? i'm supposed to lie to my parent to comfort myself? i have no shame in telling that i failed? oh yeah, like i can't be confident that i did? my goodness. i have confidence in all that i do. that's just the way i am. just because i sound confident doesn't mean that i feel no shame...nor does it mean that i'm cold hearted.

i will most definately not play piano for my church. even though it's a service for GOD, i will never play. and the more people force me to play, i will not. i have no inspiration. what? just because i compose, it does not mean that i have a yearning. i compose on my own free time. i compose because i feel like shit. i compose because i have no means of letting out my horrible emotions out.

yeah, the same old problems. history always repeats itself no one bothers to read my thoughts, nor should they. it's not like many care. and even those that do, aren't able to help me because they don't know how to help me.

maybe i need a shrink. it's funny how the person that needs one most is the one who wants to become one. man, most people prolly think i'm bipolar or sumthing. sighs sighs. and that, i may say, that i can be. not that i am, but i might. sighs sighs. and if you don't know what bipolar means, it's something that's a hormonal and chemical imbalance in the brain. one moment, i can be the happiest person alive, and then the next moment, sad as hell. and then after all that happiness and sadness, that person would be suicidal in a blink of the eye. bipolar people are recommended to stay in the company of others. and it's best that nothing too tramatic happens in that person's life. a simple little dramatic thing can lead to very intense suicidal wishes. yeah, not being a doctor, that's all the simple stuff i know about being bipolar. and plus...i think i spelt it wrong....

sighs sighs. i think i'll go in the corner and weep a while now. no one seems to be one to cheer up my unpleasant mood right now. or maybe i should sleep and have unpleasant dreams. keke^^ you'd ask me how i can laugh at a time like this, the truth is, i can, laughing at how stupid i am. how i wish i was smart. sighs sighs.

in truth being, i'm just like everyone else. i yearn to learn, but i never have the stregnth to put for all of myself in anything that i do. sighs sighs.