this world shouldn't have people like me living in it.....

oh yeah....the doctor said that lump is just a cis. and he says to just leave everything alone because well.....if i don't....i might just get it infected...and that'll be worst. if it's just a cis at that spot is that it'll just get flushed outta my system unless it starts growing. sighs sighs. i don't want it growing into a tumor!!! sighs sighs. it's kinda ironic......

...the complete irony of it all....

i just wanna run away. but that won't be happening. skool is too important to me. yeah i sound like a nerd. you have a problem? at least i have something in my life more than just fucking someone over and not caring about them. so yeah. you can just fuck the hell away from me and them some. i want you out of my life....but it just doesn't work. and i accept that you are not mine...and that still doesn't work? what the hell is my lesson? what the fucking hell is my lesson? what is it? is the answer to all my questions that i just haveta find happiness in misery because that is the way i am to live forever? what the hell is wrong with all of this?

F.R.O.G and W.W.J.D bracelets are the only thing that is keeping me sane at skool and not loosing all my patience. sighs sighs. it's driving me insane.

there must be something i must accept. what is the moral behind all the feelings of anger that i have inside? what is this problem i have for myself? args args. what oh what is the moral of the story? sighs. wy won't i stop tormenting myself. why does it seem that my emotional side is separate then my mental side? what the hell is going on with me/ what is it that i must accept to go on being the happy person i once was? i'm gaining weight rapidly. and if this continues....everything is going to go even more downhill for me. sighs sighs. i don't want to go downhill even more from here. sighs sighs....must loose weight. i just have to. it's not healthy gaining ten pounds in 3 days. sighs sighs. i just don't want to do anything anymore. i just don't want to do anything anymore. and all i do is stay home and cry. sighs sighs. it's a pathetic life i live. sighs sighs. disappointment brings tragedy to a life better spent in bliss and joyfulness. sighs sighs. obviously that isn't going to happen for me. sighs sighs. horible. completely horrible. i have no right giving anyone advice because i am such a hideous person. sighs sighs. i must hide all of myself from the dark. sighs sighs.

...sigh...

many of you have asked why i feel the way i do. but i am unable to answer that question.,....because i don't know the answer to that question either. i find no fulfilment. sighs sighs. all the pain....sighs sighs....

i remember hearing a song like this....of course in chinese....but just retyping it out.

on a wonderful day; the sun was shining, but yet my heart was cold as ice.
the wind was blowing; the trees swaying from side to side, but yet my mind was still.
kids were playing; smiling and singing as they ran by, but yet a funeral was held inside of me.

well...that's bout all i can remember from the song. that one stanza of it is like imprinted in my mind....sighs sighs. i don't even know who the heck sang it. i don't even thing i want to know what then end of the song sounds like. prolly is talking about lost love again....but what the song says....it is truly how i feel right now. and i can sum it up all in one word. LONLINESS. sighs sighs. pitiful i know....but i don't want your pity. sighs sighs. depressed again.....but meh.....nothing i can do anymore to help myself.....sighs sighs.....i want to say good bye to the world for good this time....but i know i would never be able to let go of anything because i am merely just a human. sighs sighs. depressing world. depressing thoughts. depressing humans. everything is sooo despicable. sighs sighs. where is all the love i one had before? where is that happiness i had in loving everything and everyone even though they didn't love me? where is my fulfilment? where oh where?!?!? sighs sighs.

there was another confo worth remember from yesterday....but i can't remember anyof it. all i can remember is val telling me that i shouldn't really care what people think of me.....and i was like....i know i shouldn't, but it's so hard. no matter how i try....i just can't. i just don't like these looks people give me. i just don't like it.....and at that point...i remember i almost wanted to cry because i felt so miserable. sighs.

i don't think anything from thise world will ever satisfy this gap in my heart. nothing and no one. sighs sighs. there's only one person that understands me even without me telling him anything. sighs sighs. but at this time....i wish not to speak to anyone. especially not him. cause i feel like every time i do....i only ever talk about my problems. i know he's there when i'm up....and i know he's there when i'm down.....but i never talk to him when i'm up.....and only when i'm down do i really go looking for someone to talk to. why am i so selfish? why amd i so self-centered? why am i so human?

why am i crying? what is this feeling that causes me to cry? what is it? why?!?!? why must i feel like shit constantly....what is the matter with me? sighs sighs....i haveta learn to be independant. sighs sighs.

reminencing on a convo i had yesterday.....

me: sighs.....i feel sooo lonely....but i know i'm not ready to be with anybody yet.
val: why so?
me: because i can't even control myself. unless i am ready to teach myself and learn more about myself, i will never be ready to be with anyone.
val: sometimes it's better to have someone for that very reason though.
me: yeah i know, but i have no confidence in anything anymore. i just lost all my confidence since i see everything before me fall apart time after time.
val: and like i said before, for that same matter, it is sometimes better to have someone for that very reason. but it is no reason to purposely look for a guy. guys will come running to you, and if he's the right one, he'd never pass you up. you are just to great to pass up by anyone.
me: do you think i'll ever find true love?
val: hey sure.....why not? you're a great person.
me: do you think that when i do find it that i'd just pass it up?
val: what do you mean by passing it up?
me: i mean, i don't like white guys. what if there was a person that was head over heals with me and just because he was white and i said no.
val: haha. you'd never do that. if he was head over heals in love with you, you'd like him too because he probably isn't a jerk ass
me: do you think i'd ever give true love up?
val: i don't see you giving up a person. but the truth of the matter is, i believe that you'd give up true love for your friends. i'm 99% sure that would be the only reason why you'd give up love.

everything after that point to me was a blur. i already started become the recluse i am and headed for my shell. sighs sighs

sighs....i feel like i'm using all my friends as shrinks only cause i don't ever wanna go back to one....sighs sighs....and i wanna be one...but considering that i am the one that needs one the most....well then....sighs sighs.....i messed up......it's my fault.....but is it really??? but then of course it is. cause no one can inflict any pain on anyone unless they first allow themselves to let the pain be inflicted on themselves first. sighs sighs. there is torture, torment and death.......sighs sighs.....i don't want to go on that road over and over again....

yes there are those that understand my pain....but i am not willing to share. yes....i want to escape....but i will not.....and i don't think i shall. i always end up heading back n e ways....sighs sighs....the gym's not open tom....sighs sighs....but is it something that i can help? it doesn't matter.....it really doesn't....i'll go to the gym on monday i suppose....sighs sighs.... i have fallen back into my trap.....all i want to do is leave and never come back....where is this place that i can find joy and want nothing more? why is this mere human wanting so much that this world is unable to provide? why oh why am i soooo pathetic.


I'M ABOUT TO BREAK!!!!!!

sighs......i finally figured out why i am sooo afraid to see you....and count on my word......i know why.

i know some of those people out there are real friends. then there are those that that aren't my real friends. it is much easier to face someone who means nothing to you. it's much easier to face up to something you know isn't real. it is just easier living life if you thought that life in itself was not life. but i can't go on living like that. and i think i know why i feel hollow now. i constantly live life with a double standard. i continue to live life saying that there are "two mes." the thing about that is that there are.....sincerely and truly there really is.....but in order to live i must face everywhere and everything with the whole me. not just part of it.

now back to the fact of why i can't face up to you. for days on end.....i have really wanted to go out and take initiative and meet up. but really....deep down inside....i have this constant nagging feeling that i am doing something wrong. there's something that i have done to wrong everyone. sighs sighs.....it is my fault...it is my fault....sighs sighs....