why am i crying? what is this feeling that causes me to cry? what is it? why?!?!? why must i feel like shit constantly....what is the matter with me? sighs sighs....i haveta learn to be independant. sighs sighs.

reminencing on a convo i had yesterday.....

me: sighs.....i feel sooo lonely....but i know i'm not ready to be with anybody yet.
val: why so?
me: because i can't even control myself. unless i am ready to teach myself and learn more about myself, i will never be ready to be with anyone.
val: sometimes it's better to have someone for that very reason though.
me: yeah i know, but i have no confidence in anything anymore. i just lost all my confidence since i see everything before me fall apart time after time.
val: and like i said before, for that same matter, it is sometimes better to have someone for that very reason. but it is no reason to purposely look for a guy. guys will come running to you, and if he's the right one, he'd never pass you up. you are just to great to pass up by anyone.
me: do you think i'll ever find true love?
val: hey sure.....why not? you're a great person.
me: do you think that when i do find it that i'd just pass it up?
val: what do you mean by passing it up?
me: i mean, i don't like white guys. what if there was a person that was head over heals with me and just because he was white and i said no.
val: haha. you'd never do that. if he was head over heals in love with you, you'd like him too because he probably isn't a jerk ass
me: do you think i'd ever give true love up?
val: i don't see you giving up a person. but the truth of the matter is, i believe that you'd give up true love for your friends. i'm 99% sure that would be the only reason why you'd give up love.

everything after that point to me was a blur. i already started become the recluse i am and headed for my shell. sighs sighs