dere is much dat i wanted to say to you baby boi.....but now....i am wordless...cause i will not think......
i do not htink you will care...so therefore....i will still care...just not wanting to share it with you....
i love you...u noe dat....and u just can't face meh and look meh in the eyes...
u try to deny it...yet i noe u're lying to urself...but whatever...lyphe goes on....

my dream my dream....why does it haveta come bak.....
i've been getting sleepless nites yo...sigh sighs....
good nite...too tired....sleep tite.....
i want you bak...

i wanna hold you close, wanna push you away, so complicated.
i wanna hear your voice, i wanna see ur face, but yet i wanna be blind and deaf. so complicated
endless tears of sorrow stopped in front of you.
joy of lyphe all halted when you left.
got nothing more to say
got nothing more to do
have nothing left
all is gone and lost
i must regain or gain anew
whatever it is, it's still painful
lost childhood
no friends when young
no friends when old
never ne friends to receive a hand from
i need you here
my lyphe i empty
i'm falling apart
i long to be near, long to push away
long to smile, but only left to cry.
u love her, i noe u do, u've left meh in the cold
sighs, i will never find what i've lost, for i actually noe where it is
no more thoughts...must have no more
no more tears, but still have many
want to be happy, but yet i tumble and fall.
i wish to run, but have no strength.
wish to smile, but unable to bare the day.
longing to sleep, but remain sleep-deprived.
tired and weary, but need to stay strong.
all so contridictory.
wanna fly, but have no wings to spread
wanna cry, but my eyes hurt
wanna soar, but i'm battered
will not tumble cause i must stand
getting old at the age of 16
where is my youth?
where is my energy?
where is me?
lost in the world of dreariness
lost in a world where hope seems so fragile
lost to a world where loneliness is all about
i am lost.
i have no strenth to find myself, can you help meh find me?
i needed then, i need you now, but u despise meh, u hate me
i have no choice but to be
i loved you then, and i love you now.....i promised forever and forever it will be
so if i say, death do us part, forever will i mean it, but to you, it means nothing but words
how it shatters my heart, u promised forever, but forever for you was much to short
don't say things you do not mean
through angry words you see my passion
through angry words you see my hate
through angry words you see my being....
i live to die, to regain, to live.
don't promise meh if you can't keep it.
u promised meh not to skip
you promised you'd do well
u promised you'd never leave, but yet again, ur leaving meh time and time again
what do i have left? nothing.
i am by my lonesome.
all by my lonesome
no one cares.
no one wants to care for the bird who is so weak, they'd just rather it die
everyone's afraid
afraid of meh, afriad of what they mite see
you are afraid to embrace fear in itself.
i must remain strong.
i must remain energized
i must regain sleep
what is lost will not be found no more, for i give up
why look??? what belonged and belongs to me will always be mine, but that which is not will never be noe matter how hard i try
my mind is a blur
my eyes are too swollen.
u helped meh pick out my glasses so i may see far well
but what i say, i don't need them for i already see who and how you are
you're nothing but a liar
a downright good for nothing liar.
but the thing is, i still love you.
forever and ever more,

well yeah. each line is kinda stupid. no bri boi, don't worry, i ain't saying it to ya....just needed to get it off my chest and sleep well tonite. as i've said...must need to regain my sleep. having uneven sleeping patterns now. sleep at like 3 and wake up at like 5:30. i dunno wuz wrong with meh. sighs. no wonder i have severe sever mood swings aye? i wish you'd talk to meh, ur making meh cry. i'm soo worried, i've lost you too. to the wind that blew, i thought u were more solid than that.....i still love you so even though you think u've betrayed meh. i understand, i can handle and cope, i'm over it for i cherish you as my friend. i need ur strength in times of need. and when i needed you, u were still there.....even if the reality hurt. but we all noe, dat reality i cannot make come true. no matta how hard i try....the fact being....i am who i am......true to my word....rather the honest truth kill meh than a lie of deciet. comfort is a funnay thing you noe. at times, harsh reality works the best, while other times....sweet sugar coated words are the only relaxers. as a person, u may never noe what the other is thinking...no matter the bestest of friends. i still don't care how u tried to help meh, just noe....i'm still here....open armed to give ya a hug when in need....but den again...i don't hug....just ain't dat type of person....
maybe dat's what i need to learn.....to learn to embrace without fear, but i've been raised that way.....great respect for all things...ain't supposed to touch thing that you cherish....it mite ruin it. understnad where i'm coming from ma??? sighs....miss you tons since you ain't talking to meh, afraid to call ya cause u seem very upset. it's my fault....sighs......i'e got much to learn.

when will my eyes open and see the light?
when will i learn to listen?
when will i be like my name and be happy, joyous and glad?
when?
sighs sighs.,....waiting for inspiration
waiting for new hope
waiting for a new beginning
long for nothing, but everything all at da same time
now what i want, i may not have
what i need, i must have
so therefore, i need you ....you noe i do
so i will have you as my friend even if it is only to meh

have you also left me?????
without you......i have no one left.
does dat mean u are letting meh go???
letting meh drift always by myself.....ready to drown???? why???
sighs......i guess i'll just need to find a life jacket and prepare for the plunge.....
sighs.....
is it true??? has my world come to a crashing halt???

what scares meh most are my dreams.....dey come even more frequently now.....each time i fall asleep.....even when i'm in class....of course i've never told n e one.....sighs......the scary thing....i ain't afraid of death, afraid dat if i don't survive, i still see all my loved ones around meh crying......sighs......

i'll give you that episode 55 wuz true in a sense. lyphe is a constant fight of survival. survival of the fittest is right, but it don't mean dat al da weak shall die.....cause u have no rite to kill. on the same hand, you can't always protect those who are weak, u haveta let those who are weak to stand on their own, if you don't let them stand and struggle, how will they learn to walk and run??? get the analogy???? get da drift???? everyone tells meh the same thing.....move on, let all ur crap away.....maybe what i need now is just never come bak....gr....but history always repeats itself...

lonely as a child, lonely as a teenager.....i will be lonely as an adult won't i????

went to that picnic today, and i don't get. everyone just likes to leave meh alone don't they??? but of course, they never make the first motive, why are they like dat??? why?!?!? i thought they were my good buddies. they never came up to meh, and i hadda go myself. i don't mind to go start up conversation.....but no one ever starts a conversation with meh. no one......why am i sooo dispised?!?!? why doesn't n e one ever come up to confront meh???? why is everyone so afraid of meh?!?!? why???

i've lost all self sense and self worth......i've lost all sense of companionship.....what i long for i will never have. what i've lost i will never find. why shall i care for sooo long??? why must i always care and no one care for meh??? i'd rather live a cold life never feeling ne thing, but then again, u all noe dat dat's not meh. sighs. why can't i just have amnesia??? sighs. maybe i shall just drive a car so dat i'll end my lyphe......maybe....just maybe....den no one hasta worry bout meh, and i don't haveta worry bout myself.....what the hell am i saying???

lyphe is a constant routine....u haveta get used to it, but why can't i get used to it? why is my lyphe so empty feeling??? why??? i'm left with no one, not even you. i have GOD. yeah, dat's a textbook answer. sighs....body feels too weak...wanna fly, wanna cry, just wanna spread my wings and learn to fly.....yeah....it's part of my lil song.....so yeah...noting i can say, nothing i can do, nothing.
nothing matters, lyphe is empty for meh. i'm just a walking living corpse. i've lost all hope, but if i hadn't got hope den i wouldn't post my thoughts to get em out, i wouldn't run to you if i had problems, i wouldda kept it all to myself, and as i see, i haveta do dat now, cause i have no one to run to. my tears are just hot water dropplets dat fall from my eyes. sighs.....if i could say so myself.....i feel hollow, am living a hollow lyphe.....sighs.....

"i wanna fly, i wanna cry, just spread my wings and learn to fly." da second verse to dat one wuz a happy one, but now i'll just scrap it and say i'll jump off da cliff.....*splat* there i go.

u have not betrayed meh....and even if you say so, and think so, i don't believe you have...
u noe what betraying is??? is more like bakstabbing.....equal in many ways....
yes, i may have needed your comfort cause i wuz running....running away....running away from what??? from what i did not understand, from myself.

u didn't not betray meh by confronting the harshness of reality.....
in many ways, i've been running away from all that
yeah, i don't know n e thing ne more, i ain't making n e sense....
in my darkest hours where is my light??? why is it soo dim that i can barely even see it???
where is my light?!?!?

everyone goes through hard times, but why do i allow myself to be tortured????
dere's soo much i wanna say, but sooo lil dat i can say.....
you didn't betray me
you didn't betray me
you didn't betray me
you didn't betray me
you didn't betray me
you didn't betray me
you didn't betray me
you didn't betray me
you didn't betray me
you didn't betray me
you didn't betray me
you didn't betray me
you didn't betray me
you didn't betray me
you didn't betray me
you didn't betray me
you didn't betray me
you didn't betray me
you didn't betray me
you didn't betray me
in a sense, i'm doing what you did, typing em all out....why???? cause to show you i actually still care....and what i honestly still believe.....it's to show you my "sing yee"
you didn't betray me
you didn't betray me
you didn't betray me
you didn't betray me
you didn't betray me
you didn't betray me
you didn't betray me
you didn't betray me
you didn't betray me
i did not copy and paste it, even though time after time, my brain wuz like, why aren't u just copy and pasting it??? i want to show you dat i am just as sincere as what you are trying to say....

ur feeling guilty yo....don't do dat......i don't want you guilty filled.....

not to you, but to another, there is much i need to say to you, so i shall call da first chance i have, i need to get this all off my chest, i will have you listening to meh even if you don't wanna face it......u wun read my thoughts afta da first sentence if you noe wuz going on....so i will haveta force ya to listen to meh....and dat i shall have....a moment when i'll be crying, angry and happy all at da same time.....will you ever tell da difference between all three in one??? prolly not.....so shall i not tell you cause well i'd rather tell you this in person, but you prolly still wun look into my eyes and just face da pain in my eyes. so i dun care.....i go looking and searching in urs....but u hide sumthing....u hide it away as if nothing happened....but i noe dere is sumthing.....U NEVER TELL MEH N E THING!!!!!
how could you do this to meh??? again???? grrr!!!! maybe i should just go and never come bak....never be seen on the face of this earth....get incinerated or sumthing......arg....going to run....but only to question where.....grrrrr......

well, lately i feel great.......why??? cause my mind is distracted.....about what??? i have no clue....i am just distracted.
hahaha=>:D everyone thinks i have like a new hair cut or sumthing....
oh yeah...peeps also think i dyed my hair again....man, is it getting dat light?!?!?
hahaha=>:D oh wellz....i got complimented bout how i look soo great........
muhahaha=>:D thanx peeps....muhahaha=>:D, but it's just a confirmation of the way i look.
black, i used to wear that alot to reflect my happy moods, now, i wear n e thing i find.
everyone thinks i'm a slut cause i wear short and like low cut tops....well ya'll can just go kiss my lovely lovely bum bum!!!1 hehehe=>:D
yupz yupz......i'm very hyper dis morn.....only got like 6 hours sleep doe.....so meh no noe....

simple and white.....is white supposed to simbolize n e thing??? i have no clue.....but to meh, i will never fly, even if i wanna.....i'd rather have someone bring meh on their wings. i'm reliant.....i'm kinda dependant, but as i've said, i'm very independant.....hahaha=>:D yeah, meh go wash ur dishes and clean ur housie. hehehe=>:D u say ur room's a mess....man, look at mine and u'll see da big big diff. muhahaha=>:D
but u noe, small things can go a long long way, a lil reaction or action done to someone not purposely could leave an impact for the rest of their lyphe.....hahahaha=>:d

change, i'm still afraid of it, but why should i be? i should yet learn to embrace it with open arms cause struggling with it makes it harder to life. Yet, through all this, struggling to keep self is important, it is always important. Struggling and not following the flow lets you learn things dat you've never known about urself, but those who don't struggle with change have a happy lyphe. i see this from everyone that i see. yeah, i'm an observer, i see, i draw conclusions, i try to understand. i can't say i'll always understand the way you are, but i can only try to. Lyphe is too hard and too short, but too long at the same time, to actually let everything just float above you without understand what it means. i suppose that is why i have such a difficult time now and then, because i just try to hard to understand and grasp a concept. when i can't, i'll feel useless and incompatent.....wait....spelt it wrong....oh wellz.....sighs sighs....

i still don't know myself, how can others noe meh??? i noe of me, and i noe bits and peices of me, but who is me? i will never noe, no one really actually knows the answer if you were to ask urself those questions. but the main point is, whatever way you use to look at lyphe......continue to look that way and find urself.....u'll find things u've never known......even if ur way of looking at things is a pessimistic point of view.