don't worry

nah jo, if n e thing, i'd feel bad......what i do for you is homework, i don't pay for it. if n e thing, it would be me using your gas....serious man.....you always drive me places cause i don't have a car and i don't have a job. if n e one was to feel bad about being used....it should be me. don't worry about it. what i do to help is because i want to. plus, i don't do shit that i don't want. keke^^:D:P so don't worry bout it. if i thought i was being used, i'd say something. don't worry about it. i'm serious, i don't feel used. i like to do work, it keeps me going. it keeps me away from my own enemy, me.

lately no one would know how lonely i feel, but it's not because i'm not with friends, but i just do. i feel like i'm running on empty. i like winter, but blah.....for the last few years around this time i've felt like shit. and i can't get myself out of this shit hole cycle.

sighs.....i don't feel like telling my problems to n e one. and lately, i haven't blogged either. and now, i find it even hard to blog about my thoughts. i simply just wish to keep them to self. sighs sighs.

having another breakdown. oh how great....args....there's nothing wrong in my fucking life. sighs. an excuse to be unhappy. sighs. this isn't the way i want to feel. how can that be an excuse if i don't even wanna feel this way?!? how?!?! sighs sighs.

what's wrong with me?!?! sighs.

some say it's just being a teenager. some say it's just being human. some just say there isn't n e thing wrong. some people say it's depression. some people say it's an excuse. some people say it's stupidity. some say it's ignorance. some simply just don't give a damn. sighs.

i think i'll sleep....i can't really wait till brian comes back....i have a test tom.....

i just wanna jump off that cliff.......sighs......knowing me...i'll prolly land on dog shit....keke^^:D:P sorry, that's just funnay...

yeah...steped in dog shit again today....yeah...from a bad day to a worst day....sighs sighs.....

stupid irresponsable people leaving their dog's shit all over the place. holy shit, if people don't wanna pick up dog shit, then don't have a dog! have a cat! fucking idiots! blah....i'll pick it up if i haveta, but if my mother or sister or father were there, of course i'd want them to pick it up...so yeah.....stupid people.....

=.=

one pound, the happiness.....

the iimportance of food, but sooo many clothes to wear?!?!?

what the fuck are the lyrics of this song saying?!?!?


args......stupid anorexic asian chics....=.=

but then again, how i loathe to be like them, i am no longer skinny, and i constaly fight with being healthy.

grrrr....

sighs.........i'm like the fattest in my family of kids....sighs sighs.....

i'm like completely broad.....sighs sighs.....

i feel like eating....maybe it's this gap and emptiness i feel......and i'm trying to fill it with food...i'll just drink some water.......

hahah

oh man.....i finally know exactly which churchie cat goes too. keke^^:D:P mcmac.....duh....why was i sooo dumb?!?! well not that i didn't know about the church....i just figured out where it was....keke^^:D:P but meh....

don't know......won't be going to that church......sighs...why did my church make sooo many enemies?!?!? how?!?!

oh wellz....going to church isn't for the people, it's for GOD. and i suppose that's what really counts.....i really haveta bring my life closer to him than to dwell on myself.

args...stupid dog.....haveta go out and buy a new vanilla lip chap.....grrr......

me and my stupid vanilla fettish....=.=.....

not good at n e thing

i'm a failure. the only thing i can do right is dress for the weather.....sighs sighs.......

don't feel like doing n e thing......but i don't wanna sit at home either.

i probably can't go to that party thing next week. nor do i think i can do like halloween for hunger......i don't know....probably won't be able to.....sighs sighs.

i don't drink.......i don't celebrate halloween. nor do i think i should participate with fastivities of halloween. blah.....

wanna leave....

wanna go...

wanna stay....don't wanna move.....

sleep

sleeping alot less. sighs sighs.

eating alot less....

lack of energy...

lack of motivation.....

it hurts to smile these days. it feels soo unnuormal....sighs sighs....

blah.....what's so gray about the way i am living now?!?! blah......

dreams...

i have been sooo out of it since this morning. yeah, right before i had a very weird dream....

args....here is how it goes. i suppose dreams are the substance of man. dreams come from the subconscious of man. dreams are what drives us, something we don't think about. and then pop......my unconscious then becomes my conscious cause i'm thinking about a dream...=.=

here goes...

and so, i'm in a pool with jean...and then suddenly she becomes a new asian chic that i have never seen before. but, while i'm there, it seemed like i knew her like a very good friend. and then suddenly from beyond a forest, my first ex comes by and starts dissing her and i. we bothed looked at each other and both looked completely dumfounded. started laughing, and then the next thing i knew, i was completely changed in a room that had walls the colour of sienna and the chairs were of dark brown leather. or maybe velvet?!? but it doesn't matter, and then sighs....another of my ex's.....sighs......just comes out of a doorway, and he comes by and puts his arm around me. and i was like, "hey, you we're broken up now. what the hell are you doing?" and he's like...."well, we'll see about that". and then he takes his other hand and grabs my hand. args.....it felt sooo real. i could smell him.....=.= his skin was sooo clean....=.= he smelt sooo good=.= why the hell do i still remember this?!?! but n e ways...the way he held my hand was just that way that that......i don't know......that way that we used to.

stupid dreams....sighs....it was sooo weird. but it just felt sooo real. it felt sooo sweet......but why now?!?! why?!?! sighs....plus.....i know it will never happen because i'm going to keep it that way.. plus....i deserve better i suppose. or somebody deserves better may not be i, but whatever.

sighs......and add on to frustration comes confusion....

oh yeah......global news says i am suffering from depression.....=.=

wow

well now, people think it's scary that i haven't like updated for like 3 days, and it's not because my pc had a breakdown. i just haven't felt like going on line.

i'm supposed to be studying now, but i really don't feel like it...

warning all those that may look through my agenda, i won't let you.....yeah....i just won't....

yeah......lately feeling very well egh.....not bubbly just say. not enthusiastic, not hyper, just plain.....just egh....nothing to describe it besides just plain and boring then. sighs sighs.


i can't wait to get outside of this stupid white snobby bubble called oakville. sighs sighs.

i'm being driven insane.....

sighs sighs....all i feel like doing is isolating myself.......i think i kinda achieved that though. i mean, i know i have friends and they always ask me what's wrong, but it's not that, i feel sooo alone.....but i know i have friends. my friends care and i know they do, just because i don't see them, i don't tlak to them doesn't mean they ain't my friends, but i ain't sooo sure of that about how those "friends" think i am. blah.....some of those people i call friends never really ever thought of me as a friend....so it really makes no difference. and the thing is, there are only just sooo many people that i call friends....oh wellz.

living in my own bubble.....i see things....and i feel like it's going to pop, maybe it's better that it does. and i hope when it does pop.......i hope it's with mandy around me because i'll sooo yell at that bitch for all the immaturity and bullshit she talks about me behind my back. grrr.... i know i shouldn't play sooo low......i just hope one of these days that i don't burst....but i know that day will happen when i can't take this bull shit from her n e more. blah...her words should mean crap since all that comes out is shit....