once again.....i'm hurt by those people's actions dat didn't even mean to hurt meh. today wuz supposed to be a nice, fun day. sumthing i woulda enjoyed...but i dunno wuz wrong.....i can't eat, can't sleep.....even doe i noe i'm hungry and tired. sighs sighs....

yeah yeah....some people say it's pms....but really......how can it be? do i have pms at least twice a month?!?!? what da heck...if you think dat's possible....i tell ya......it can't....unless i got through a mentral cycle twice a month....and if you're wondering....really i do not....yeah...personal lyphe.....i dunno....i could spit out my mind about everyone rite now if you actually asked meh...but really......why should i??? it's not like most of ya people read dis ne ways....u dun bother to read it even doe i tell ya to. so wuz da point of saying?

maybe sum people just aren't meant to be happy....and dun say i'm wrong...because i already noe i am....so dun rub it in my face.....i would just slap you rite now if you did say i wuz wrong.....so dun bother unless u wanna get hurt......i'm going insane again. maybe i need to go on sum drugs.....to cheer dis pissy moods dat i always get.

i really wanna relax and ease my mind......but i can't help it....lately i've been getting dese really bad headaches again......i suppose dis happens everytime i'm upset or pre-upset......so yeah.....

well today i ate a pudding....and before dat.....i wuz braiding my friends hair....but at dat time....i had just finished swimming...u noe what??? well u noe what happened to meh at the theatres?!?? well dat started to happen at tony's house dis time......one of da reasons i got outta da pool wuz because i couldn't breathe...maybe it wuz da feeling dat i didn't fit in dat caused dat shortness of breathe, racing heart and pounding headache.....but all da same....what happened has happened...

i thought u were my friend....but i wuz standing rite beside you and u forgot to even mention meh to go to ur house....how can you be so cruel. all u remembered were da times u spent with tony at ur house....have i already been forgotten....just because i prolly wouldda denied ur offer dun mean u should stop asking meh.....u noe.....it hurts....hurts alot.....yeah....i may have been cold leaving da car....i didn't say good bye and i didn't look bak....u wanna noe why??? because i wuz crying in my heart and looking bak or saying sumthing prolly wouldda spilt my tears.....yeah....i thought u were my friend....but time and time again....i see dat u are....but at times....i feel soo neglected....maybe i can be dere for ya....but at least i would invite you to sumthing soo measily as a sleepover if i invited one person....or at least i wouldda given you an explaination why u couldn't have......but u are soo cruel lil gurl....but i will remain ur friend, loyal and strong....only because, u are my friend.....down to the very tiniest fiber.....i will not neglect you unless i neglect myself......

loe and behold.....i will be urs too, full hearted and true....no stride too wide, no water too deep......i will be dere......whereva u are...whateva u need.....i will be dere to provide comfort and care if possible.....just give meh time....

some people think i shoulda jumped by now....but really, i have......time and time again....dere's not much i can do bout it......so yeah....whateva....

i haven't lived a hard lyphe.....it's simple, just live day to day....but well....along da way....i just face dificulties...dat's all......so yeah......i'll walk past it....i'll be alritez.....i'm always alritez eventually.....

tears take up and use up too much energy and tissues.....sighs sighs....

well i suppose dat wuzn't da last entry.....maybe i just have too much going on in my head rite now......much anger that i wanna say....but i have no energy n e more......sighs sighs....maybe all i need is rest.....maybe dat's all i need besides food for physical energy and nutrition.......i'm dying.....or maybe i'm already dead in a sense......sighs sighs.....

dat's it for all my thoughts today.....well considering dat dis is da first one for da day...but whateva da case may be......i just wanna run away.....will you run away with meh?

it's stubborn to face all problems head on.....but it's also cowardace to always run away....but the case with meh....i've only known extremes my lyphe...can you teach meh differently?...well i'll go to my refuge and sleep now and hope to find comfort in sleep....so if you wake meh up.....i'll be mad, but yet i'll be pleased....but whateva....l8a.....

wait oh wait......u noe how when u said i sound different? well really.....i talk like dat all da time now...even when i am energetic....i still talk like dat....i just dun have da strength and the energy to talk like dat n e more. i've come to realise dat i have changed....and i've changed to a person with no energy for lyphe n e more.....i don't enjoy doing n e thing n e more.....sighs sighs.....

yeah.....maybe i'm just being melodramatic or whateva....sighs sighs.....but i just can't seem to like get rid of the thoughts that i will always be this way.....and moments of happiness just dun last foreva for meh....maybe i'm not made to fit in and dat i'm always supposed to be different. sighs sighs. yeah yeah.....dey still love meh and what not....and dey are my friends and whatnot.....but u wanna noe sumthing? i dun wanna feel dis way n e more.....i can rememba dis feeling from the very first memory that enters my mind....my first day at kindergarten....obviously no one cares to hear, but i'm not gonna even bother with the past....sighs sighs.

yeah....the past is to strengthen....but maybe it's just betta for meh to have no memory and make the same mistakes over and over again.....maybe i should just be a computer or sumthing....no emotions at all......yeah, i'm not a robot, or a pc....i'm a living person.....and maybe phychologically dere is sumthing wrong with meh.....why can't i be the happy person who is actually smiling because i am happy? maybe i am happy......just not the definition i always thought happy to be. am i just a lil ungrateful brat that needs a lyphe?

tears, once again flow down my face......no recollection of the moments of previous happiness....all that fills my mind are memories of sadness.....despair....hurt....anger......will i always be this way???yeah....every teenager's problem....but really....is it???? maybe i just need to learn to not accept n e thing in lyphe....repell it....run away from it.....

"i dun wanna run away, but i can't take it, i dun understand." sighs sighs......i seem to run away alot from lyphe dun i? i hide behind sumone or sum image that maybe, i'm not? i dunno.....sighs sighs.....

maybe i'm hopeless, but yeah yeah....dere's always sunshine at the end of the rainbow....blah blah......all just words dat i dun see at the present moment.....at what time do you eva notice dat most of my thoughts are happy aye? i dunno and rite now....i honestly wanna say dat i dun care, but in lyphe.....maybe i just care too muchie.....

maybe it's not even the problem of meh thinking too much.... maybe de honest answer is just because i care too much about what i'm thinking about. sighs sighs......i'm just a walking, ticking time bomb dat's just gonna explode at some moment in time and space......the truth is.....maybe i'm a horrible christian dat shouldn't even be considered as a christian.....but the truth is...at least i knew i wuz one to begin with....sighs sighs.....i lied when i said i wuz feeling great.....i've felt this way for soo long that i don't even noe how it feels to be great.....i've lost all definition for the meaning of that word....dere are like only months times dat i actually rememba dat feeling...but whateva da case...i wish i had more of those moments when i didn't haveta fake sumthing....sighs....

friday nite.......last nite dat is.....i wuz feeling crumby as possible before i slept....den i woke up dis morning......i thought it would all go away.....sighs sighs......unmistakingly, that feeling of depression hasn't left.....sighs sighs.....is the hill soo unclimbable dat even a lil sleep can't fix?

sighs sighs......i dunno wuz wrong....but da dream i had dis morning wuz soo real......i actually woke up feeling unhappy, angry, and frustrated.......i hate it when dreams do dat.....i suppose dat tells meh alot.....dat in my mind.....i'm angry.....and this face of happiness i have is just an image i put before myself. sighs sighs. i thought being a christian would release the tension i feel in my lyphe.....not just one person has said that maybe dat i'm not relying on GOD all dat muchie. but i dunno.....i feel as if i'm using him. all i want him there for is when i'm down, or feeling crumby, or when sumthing big happens dat affects everything. is it not wrong to give everything to him? don't we have responsibility....don't answer dat.....i already know the answers to my own questions...i wuz reading ecclesiates....and time and time again.....i've got the whole first few chapters memorized by paraphrasing it in my mind....but one verse in my mind always sticks out.....

"for with much wisdom comes much sorrow; the more knowledge, the more grief." ecclesiates chapter one verse 18....sighs sighs....

is it just me or do i seem to noe too much, but noe nothing at all? or maybe is it dat i noe too much for being a gurl of only 16 from tuesday? sighs sighs. am i immature or am i mature? am i one or am i 99? age makes no difference......age is just the number of years....all dat stuff....yeah i noe....

what i need is just nothing rite now....to feel nothing, to hear nothing, to see nothing, to taste nothing, to be nothing. i've always wanted support, emotional, physical, n e type of support, but the truth is.....i can't handle it. i can't handle n e thing...maybe i should just be a walking mental basket case.....maybe den i would be happy just not knowing....

sighs sighs.....i can only wish to be.....and not become.....i'm a person with motive, but lacking motive to start....sighs sighs.....