friday nite.......last nite dat is.....i wuz feeling crumby as possible before i slept....den i woke up dis morning......i thought it would all go away.....sighs sighs......unmistakingly, that feeling of depression hasn't left.....sighs sighs.....is the hill soo unclimbable dat even a lil sleep can't fix?

sighs sighs......i dunno wuz wrong....but da dream i had dis morning wuz soo real......i actually woke up feeling unhappy, angry, and frustrated.......i hate it when dreams do dat.....i suppose dat tells meh alot.....dat in my mind.....i'm angry.....and this face of happiness i have is just an image i put before myself. sighs sighs. i thought being a christian would release the tension i feel in my lyphe.....not just one person has said that maybe dat i'm not relying on GOD all dat muchie. but i dunno.....i feel as if i'm using him. all i want him there for is when i'm down, or feeling crumby, or when sumthing big happens dat affects everything. is it not wrong to give everything to him? don't we have responsibility....don't answer dat.....i already know the answers to my own questions...i wuz reading ecclesiates....and time and time again.....i've got the whole first few chapters memorized by paraphrasing it in my mind....but one verse in my mind always sticks out.....

"for with much wisdom comes much sorrow; the more knowledge, the more grief." ecclesiates chapter one verse 18....sighs sighs....

is it just me or do i seem to noe too much, but noe nothing at all? or maybe is it dat i noe too much for being a gurl of only 16 from tuesday? sighs sighs. am i immature or am i mature? am i one or am i 99? age makes no difference......age is just the number of years....all dat stuff....yeah i noe....

what i need is just nothing rite now....to feel nothing, to hear nothing, to see nothing, to taste nothing, to be nothing. i've always wanted support, emotional, physical, n e type of support, but the truth is.....i can't handle it. i can't handle n e thing...maybe i should just be a walking mental basket case.....maybe den i would be happy just not knowing....

sighs sighs.....i can only wish to be.....and not become.....i'm a person with motive, but lacking motive to start....sighs sighs.....