my thoughts are always so long. no one acutlaly takes the time and reads this...but oh wellz. what shall i say???
i feel shitty....very very shitty....but den again....i feel alot betta.....
yet i noe tomorrow morning when i actually wake up....i'll feel as depressed as hell walking to jenny's house.
her door is always closed....works on a few levels...no i'm not a lesbian even doe it's not wrong in today society, i myself am not one.
peeps say, where the door closes either other ones open or very large windows show the light. but i've closed all my doors. cloosed and boarded up my window. the only thing left is for sumone or sumthing to come barging into my life and knowck down all my foundation. maybe i suppose thats what happned. but maybe da't not what's happened. i have no clue. u think u know meh, i will always ask....u realy think so??? yeah....think again. i really wanna get to know peeps....but at the same time....i know i'll just push u all away.
i can handle loneliness even though it's one of my worst fears. add on to my fears list...heights....death...life without GOD.
yeah....i do not know...i cannot contro. wish life could be easily thought out instead of thought so deeply. i really envy you....those that can seem so careless about n e thing. but then again....i'd hate to be all at the same time. i'm made to thihnk....i have a walking brain that thinks and ticks all on it's own...even when i myself do not consciously think. you dun think that is possible do you?? well i really say ur wrong. if u know meh well enuff....i am constantly thinking. i am constantly offended. i am constantly hating and loving all at the same time. i hate people./ i hate human nature. everything is just so corrupt.. we ourselves can only try to become a better person, not necessarily becoming one, but of like acutally trying. pathetic, pathetic, all so pathetic at times. i really depise you, but at the same time that i love you.
you say u read my thoughts....and u get repelled. yeah.....well yeah...i have nothing to say to dat. death...yes...death...my parents were talking about death today about that sars stuff. really didn't scare meh. cause i know i'm prepared to die....heaven and hell are the after life. i realy ain't trying my best to reflect the almighty light. maybe i should try harder. but then again...i have not got the sufficient amount of energy to take on such a task. grr......i will go on thinking this way.....i think too muchi...i think too lil....i care too muchie....i care to lil.....

i relaly believe i have sum circulatory problem now days. yeah...just physical problems....ain't dat freaky i suppose. so yeah...it's alrites....i really just wann leave and never come bak...maybe it's better that peeps leave ur lyphe...cause den you'll have da time to forget em and never think of em. never contact em. never look or see em. maybe it's betta for meh...but den again...maybe not.

i dun think i'll be sleeping well tonite either. i've been having horrible dreams. and i suppose my dreams are the only things dat keep meh awake but make meh sleep too. sighs sighs.....no one wanna hear my dreams.
realy...maybe it wun be so bad if it were a dejavous. but i have no clue....who actually has a dream where dey are dying in such a realistic view that u actually feel the pain and feel the loss of breath??? man.....if u read my thoughts u'll know i'm a child with problems, but i dun think you care muchie cause no ones really talked to meh much about this stuff. i dun believe n e one wanna talk to meh about this kinda stuff n e ways so i guess i'm alritez dun u think? i will change...for betta or worst is only a state of mind. hahaha=.:D got to know some more peeps....just an online friend doe. maybe just maybe i can analyze peeps on a new level now. hahaha=>:D went into a discussion about evil peeps. hahaha=>:D yes women and men are evil. the superior evil gender cannot be determined for only GOD can determine that. so yeah....i'll just leave it at that...

oh yeah.....i wuz reading over my lil sermon notes from a long long time ago....bout the third week of december. it went sumthing like this....love cannot be forced. maybe i shoulda learnt from that saying then and not created such pain for myself. is this the long after affect of the shock? will i be scarred for life? or has the wound still been lying open in the salty airs and surroundings? yeah....i am not happy, but my lyphe around meh is happy. i see it all.....why can i not pull myself up like the rest of y lyphe? there is nothing going wrong with meh...in fact...everything is as best as it could be. so yeah....i have no clue...i move on not knowing me but of everyone else. why couldn't i have stayed a child for the rest of my lyphe. so innocent and free, but at the same time soo chained down to the relience of ur parents. at times i wish i wuz da tormented sould i wuz when i wuz lil. maybe it wouldda been betta if i wuz still in hk for a few years before i cam here. maybe den my self-eesteem wouldn't be soo miserable.

i constantly make myself look down upon myself. i constantly degrade myself....for what??? i have no clue....i just can't keep myself up....but den again...i'm a very proud person....very very proud. i wish to not be like this. grr.....my thought invoke the pain that you never thought or have thought about. i provoke feelings of hate...not intentionally, but i know what i cause and i know what i do not. maybe times will change everything. only ...if only...if only. yes yeah.....meh leaving....maybe coming bak...maybe never coming bak...too tired to care.....

i don't speak much have u noticed??? i may talk loud, but i do not speak much n e more.
i laugh....but rarely n e more. my own thoughts and randomness persuade a deeper color of anger and sadness.
i;ve never known such despair within a person. i have never known such hate and love could exsist in one
i never knew that the end of hope led to such a terrible other.
i've never understood. i've never known.
i do not know what i can do ne more.
i wish to speak not knowing the words which need to be spoken.
no one really wants to hear the pain.
have you noticed that our conversations have been becoming shorter and shorter?
have no not noticed that i've become more withdrawn from everything?
do you not notice?
does n e even care?
no one cares enuff
they cannot lay down their entire life for meh....only one has achieved this status...one who is still alive in the hearts of many.
no one is more suicidal than the gurl who almost jumped the cliff.
acually...maybe i have already cut the cord myself. maybe i've just given myself far too long to actually even care where i'm going n e more. i've been too down for a way tooo long time.
why can't i stay happy long enuff
what is wrong with meh?
do i need more rest than i suppose i need?
what type of rest do i need?
shall i sleep for all eternity with a soul intact within my body which never rises?
shall i be the caged bird that shall never fly again?
i've jumped.....

what must i say to make u understand? what must i do to get ur attention? what must i????

i've jumped....da cord has snapped......now let's see if i'll survive....muhahaha....doubt it....
but i've survived a fall even higher than this....so it's alritez...

hahaha=>:D l8ly....everyone else;s thoughts have been in my head more than my own thoughts. i suppose that is a better thing for meh. it's better to be not self-involved...cause it seems to meh when i have da time to get self-involved...all i end up doing is hurting myself and hurting everyone else around meh. sighs. i think too much.....u think it's a problem??? then well....u really dun understand meh well enuff. i ain't saying it towards u.....i'm saying it to the world...which includes you and me.
dere's one thing i must say....it sounds alot betta in chinese...
what must i do??? there is nothing i can do. what must i say??? there is nothing i can say. i wanna push u away....i wanna pull u close. i wanna run and never come bak. i wanna hide....i wanna shine. whatever i say and whatever i do will never let u understand meh.....why??? cause u will never accept meh for who i am. grrr....acceptance dun plague my mind....i'd rather not have ur acceptance. i'd rather just run.....or in my case walk....walk to the edge of the cliff.....i'm slowly drifting to the end of the falls. yes.....the falls...such as the one like niagra falls. i will plummit....plummit to the death of me. hahahah. depressing??? so what???

hahaha=>:D aw yee ging but lay ley la.....aw ling yun say la.....dan hi.....aw gee doe aw yut ding yeew mong gai ley....
i must let go....i must move...but i have been moving...grr,,,,......pain pain pain......
it's not the same pain i suppose....cause this time it's just self inflicting. hahaha=>:d i suppose i do that alot.....i inflict pain on myself....

yes....i create trouble....u care???? hahaha=>:D i wun even want an answer for dat.....i dun even wanna hear about it....i dun even ever need to noe...cause da answer is within my heart already....so yeah....u dun haveta tell meh....grrrr....

gonna run away....one of dese days....i'll run away...run to the end.....run.....run....run....never look bak.....only if i could...sighs sighs.....grr......

can i just get amnesia??? can't i just forget everything and start as a new person???