Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails.
Saturday, January 10, 2004
by february 18th i will have been single for a year. and going on a date and calling them up to talk does not count as having a relationship....man, some people just don't get it. i mean, it is a relationship like friendship, but it's not like i'm seriously digging the guy. hm. don't take me clubbing because it just won't work. don't take me drinking because i will not take a sip. do not take me dancing because i cannot dance. don't tickle me because i'll just have to punch you. sighs sighs. it's very stressful. i can't read chinese, sighs sighs. i'm illiterate. and there's a story to why i can't read chinese. if i were to learn chinese as a kid, i may have known alot now. if i had wanted to learn chinese as much as i wanted to now, i would be able to write and read fluently. but you see. as a little girl of 4 or 5, all i wanted to do was become white. i wished i wasn't chinese. i had wished that i wasn't chinese. and in doing so, i would become like others. and i would no longer feel sooo neglected and alone. but as time goes on, i felt more and more negleted and lonely. i continued to have no friends. i remained dressing differently, and i remained talking differently. sighs sighs. there's just some things that have not changed yet. yeah sure matt, i go on those spasms and such. and i go on my yelling sprees. sighs sighs. maybe that's just because it's the way i react to certain situations. sighs sighs. hm. thre's somethings that i wish i could take back, but it's not the same as regretting. regretting is thinking that you can go back, i know i can't, and therefore will try nothing to turn back the hands of time. hm. i'm immature, and i'm too mature all at the same time. it's prolly because i'm philosophical that makes everytone think i'm weird. the teacher thinks i'm stupid. my friends think i'm smart. strangers think i'm rich, but rich people think i'm poor. i know i am moving, but yet i do not want to. i know that i'm single, and there's no changing that. if i do not accept that fact that i can live without having a guy, then there's no point in living as if i wasn't. i can survive, and i have. hm. keke^^ valentine's is in a month or so. keke^^ hey....2004...isn't there like olympics or sumthing this year? hm. wo bu zhi dao ba....hm....so very very tired......gotsta go to sleep.
people say i think about everything. and some say i just shouldn't. hm. some people talk to me, and then there are those that wish i couldn't talk at all. i'm hungry, but have nothing to eat. i have homework, but i'm writing my thoughts instead. hm. will i or will i not? that is the question. hm. i really miss sooo many things in my life. args args. hm.
people say i think about everything. and some say i just shouldn't. hm. some people talk to me, and then there are those that wish i couldn't talk at all. i'm hungry, but have nothing to eat. i have homework, but i'm writing my thoughts instead. hm. will i or will i not? that is the question. hm. i really miss sooo many things in my life. args args. hm.
wonder if i can ever understand why i feel this way. hm. confused and conflicted with self. couldn't sleep last night. must go to bed earlier. hm. talking to some person that well, really honestly, i should not talk to.
hit depression again, but what am i afraid of to begin with? why am i feeling like this? honestly, it's my fault that i feel this way, what can't i let go of? hm. i'm tired, and i hyave a splitting headache, but yet ijust can't fall asleep. i'm thinking way tooo muchie. and i care way tooo muchie. i can be way too nice and way tooo mean all at the same time.
in time, all emotions like this shall pass, but why do these resonating fears come back and never leave? hm. old music. bringing back stupid fears, bringing back hopes and dreams that will never be. hm. not kool to ever be so unhappy. i mean, i can smile, but what does a smile mean if nothing in your smiles means that you are happy? well i suppose val will cheer me up, she always does. that funny girl...keke^^. see, in my skool, there are times when i feel bad, but then come to think about it, the times at skool when i feel bad don't feel as bad as when i'm feeling bad at church. i constantly just do not belong. in a place where it is all chinese/asian people, i feel out of place, i'm too white. but while with a group of all white people, i feel weirded out too. my sister's coming home this weekend. she's supposed to teach me how to do my chemistry, but the problem is, she doesn't even have the time to teach me. sighs sighs.
i mean, there is just sumthing wrong with the way i am now. i've hated loneliness all my life, but yet i indulge in feeling lonely. i hate rap, but it's the only music i listen to. seriously, what you listen to makes you into the person you become. it's very true. and you can't say that music doesn't affect you. well for me, it really doesn't matter what type of music i'm listening to, i'll just feel bad eventually. hm. whateva. so very tired and sick and bored. my sister's coming home, my sister's coming home!!!! yaya!!!
sighs sighs....val's at three....val's at three. then prolly matt coming round to play the piano...yaya!!! keke^^
how great and fun aye? hm...want to eat lunch, but nothing in my house is edible. hm....
stupid boi problems, are you lying to me or are you telling the truth? args. please don't promise me something that you will not do, because it will break my heart. yeah, i'm easily heartbroken. hm...right now if you were to read my chinese nickname, it's based on a song, no duh....but yeah....good heart good payback....can't really translate it well.....hm....how i wish the day sof being little. but then again, thinking about it, even as a little child, i was very unhappy. when will the days feel shorter and be happier?!?! i mean, friends are alot in my life, but having no friends is also a lot to me. sighs sighs....how i wished i had someone that was exactly like me, but exactly different than me too. sighs sighs. hm.
hit depression again, but what am i afraid of to begin with? why am i feeling like this? honestly, it's my fault that i feel this way, what can't i let go of? hm. i'm tired, and i hyave a splitting headache, but yet ijust can't fall asleep. i'm thinking way tooo muchie. and i care way tooo muchie. i can be way too nice and way tooo mean all at the same time.
in time, all emotions like this shall pass, but why do these resonating fears come back and never leave? hm. old music. bringing back stupid fears, bringing back hopes and dreams that will never be. hm. not kool to ever be so unhappy. i mean, i can smile, but what does a smile mean if nothing in your smiles means that you are happy? well i suppose val will cheer me up, she always does. that funny girl...keke^^. see, in my skool, there are times when i feel bad, but then come to think about it, the times at skool when i feel bad don't feel as bad as when i'm feeling bad at church. i constantly just do not belong. in a place where it is all chinese/asian people, i feel out of place, i'm too white. but while with a group of all white people, i feel weirded out too. my sister's coming home this weekend. she's supposed to teach me how to do my chemistry, but the problem is, she doesn't even have the time to teach me. sighs sighs.
i mean, there is just sumthing wrong with the way i am now. i've hated loneliness all my life, but yet i indulge in feeling lonely. i hate rap, but it's the only music i listen to. seriously, what you listen to makes you into the person you become. it's very true. and you can't say that music doesn't affect you. well for me, it really doesn't matter what type of music i'm listening to, i'll just feel bad eventually. hm. whateva. so very tired and sick and bored. my sister's coming home, my sister's coming home!!!! yaya!!!
sighs sighs....val's at three....val's at three. then prolly matt coming round to play the piano...yaya!!! keke^^
how great and fun aye? hm...want to eat lunch, but nothing in my house is edible. hm....
stupid boi problems, are you lying to me or are you telling the truth? args. please don't promise me something that you will not do, because it will break my heart. yeah, i'm easily heartbroken. hm...right now if you were to read my chinese nickname, it's based on a song, no duh....but yeah....good heart good payback....can't really translate it well.....hm....how i wish the day sof being little. but then again, thinking about it, even as a little child, i was very unhappy. when will the days feel shorter and be happier?!?! i mean, friends are alot in my life, but having no friends is also a lot to me. sighs sighs....how i wished i had someone that was exactly like me, but exactly different than me too. sighs sighs. hm.
hm....reflection, reflections, reflections. args args....in the mirror you only see what you want and allow yourself to see. what you do not wish to see you will not reflct. if every blemish is what hinders you, then you must get rid of it.....but how is the problem and question you must ask yourself.....
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)