rejection

well let's see...i was sitting on the swing listening to sad sappy chinese/korean/japanese music when this thought appeared in my mind. and i think this is the reason why i feel like shit after hearing that people want to pay me back...

here are my thoughts upon sitting on the swing that gives me headaches...

when i do something for someone, it all comes from the heart. when you say you want to pay me back with money, a little part of me smiles, but really, can a favour of the heart be paid back with money? something that comes from the heart can only be paid back in full by affection, care, honestly, trust and love. those are all elements that must be built upon time. when you say you want to pay me back, i smile because i know my actions have affected you in a way that you feel a tad guilty. it's not the guilty part that makes me smile, it's the part that you see that something just isn't equalling up with the way i treat you and the way you treat me. i don't want your money. when i honestly need money, i'll ask for it, maybe you'll give it to me as a gift, maybe not...but it doesn't matter....you may feel obligated to help me out, but the favours i do demand nothing in return. if you want to pay back the things i do, just give me your time, your trust, your love....so it's a relationship of friendship that may become strong. when i do a favour, i do it because you are my friend, and i honestly love you as a friend. oh wow, it sounds like it's directed to just one person, but well it's not.....when i help people out, i do it because i love them all. all my time, energy, superficial things, is not wasted because it is spent nurturing a relationship. the giving of my heart isn't what makes me upset. what hurts me is when my all my love seems to go down the drain. i'm not a person to ask for much. it is payment in full to have company and not be alone all the time. as i drove home today from school, i seriously started crying. why? because i know things will no longer be the same. at least in my perspective. i can't compete with the trust and bond between parents and child. i never do anything i am unwilling to do. if you ask me for a favour that i don't want to do, i will honestly turn you down, but sometimes, i may still do them because you asked me to and i love you too much to say no. maybe it's because i'm not good at doing n e thing. i am not exceptional. and i suppose that the only execptional part of me is being average. i can't do n e thing exceptional, and what makes me happy is knowing that i can help someone do something that they cant. maybe that sounds selfish, but i like to do the things i do. maybe i'm a naive little child with tooo big of a heart, but that's the way i am. maybe it's because i have seen the world at it's worst. if everyone were only to pay back love with money, maybe there will be people that will be really rich, but they only learn to do things for money. and as for me....i'd rather be the poor fool with the big heart, why? because then i know i am not controlled by money, and those that feel "guilty", i know i have left my mark in their hearts.

if i were to die tomorrow. would any of you cry for me as i am crying now?

Miss Independent

Verse 1)
Miss independent
Miss self-sufficient
Miss keep your distance, mmmm

Miss unafraid
Miss out of my way
Miss don't let a man interfere, no

Miss on her own
Miss almost grown
Miss never let a man help her off her throne

So, by keeping her heart protected
She'll never, ever feel rejected
Little miss apprehensive
Said ooh, she fell in love

(Chorus)
What is this feeling taking over?
Thinking no one could open the door
Surprise, it's time, to feel what's real
What happened to miss independent's no longer need to be defensive?
Goodbye, old you, when love, is true

(Verse 2)
Misguided heart
Miss play it smart
Miss if you wanna use that line, you better not start, no

But she miscalculated
She didn't wanna end up jaded
And this miss decided not to miss out on true love

So, by changing a misconception
She went in a new direction
And found inside, she felt a connection
She fell in love

(Chorus)
What is this feeling taking over?
Thinking no one could open the door
Surprise, it's time, to feel what's real
What happened to miss independent's no longer need to be defensive?
Goodbye, old you, when love, is true (when love, is true)

(Bridge)
When miss independent walked away
No time for love that came her way
She looked in the mirror and thought today
What happened to miss no longer afraid?
It took some time for her to see
How beautiful love could truly be
No more talk of why can't that be me
I'm so glad I've finally seen

(Chorus)
What is this feeling taking over?
Thinking no one could open the door
Surprise, it's time, to feel what's real
What happened to miss independent's no longer need to be defensive?
Goodbye, old you, when love, is true (when love, is true)

Miss independent

feeling like shit...

sighs sighs....

emotions....

wow......emotions....flexuate like a bitch....stupid food and nutrition marks have dropped....feeling like shit....fucking hell....args......wow....i'm pissed=.= wow......well now i suppose i haveta work really hard...considering that i totally "missed the fucking mark"=.= what the fucking hell. what the hell?? i really thought that i did do it....args....i completely missed one side....freaking aye.....args....

well now.....feeling like crap.....args...why? cause well....just heard some news that has totally got me pissed. don't feel like typing the whole thing on line.... at least on blogger n e ways. i normally like say everythiung, but since i am totally unsure who reads it n e mores.....wow.....sighs....

well life is going downhill...wow.....i'm pissedd off at myself....wow...sighs....when something hits you....some reason...everything else seems to come and hits you too. what the fucking hell. sighs sighs....feeling like shit....

booo booo booooo

hahaha.....

wow.....i think i found a new singer that i really like.....muhahahah.....it's probably because all her songs are all pretty much singable and easy on the ears....guess guess.....yeah...kelly clarkson.....yeah.....i just love her voice....and i love most of the words in her song.....sighs....wish i could become a singer...sighs sighs.....but i dont' have the voice, i don't have the charisma....blah....

yeah...was reading raychee's msn space.....wow....i really like that song....wow.....thanx *huggie wuggie* so she got it off val? and well....so i must say thankies to her too....*MUAH* hahahahah. *huggies*

but the song doesn't really apply to me, i have never been afraid to trust. i've been hurt yes, but i am not unwilling to trust. i trust untill my patience runs out and they have brought me down enough times.....hahaha. no one has asked for pain. no one asked for sooo much misery in life....but you know what?!?!? it doesn't matter.....people do stupid things to other people. even smart people do stupid things...it just happens that stupid people do more stupid things.....but i suppose damage is damage to n e ones ego none the less....feel like i wanna go to the park.....

sighs...how truly sad

muhahaha....not really sad at all....hahaha. well i have forms to fill today...but i'm way tooo lazy....sighs sighs. well now....let's see.....another month has passed, and the time is coming where exams will be upon me soon.....actually.....around 3 more months, but even before that, there will be formal and what not...blah, don't really know if i'm gonna be going to formal....seriously......i don't dance, i don't drink....all i do well is make convo....so i suppose me make convo with everyone there? blah, the chances of that...slim...why? because we have alot of mean jerk asses in our school....why? because theya re all cocky and they think they are better than me.....blah.....sorry....i have an inferiority complex when it comes to certain people in my school. =.= it's not my fault....racial slurs and racial jokes kinda piss me off when they are targetted around me. remember....never make a racial comment or racial joke to me if you are not oriental/asian......why? because you will piss me off whether you mean it as a joke or not......

think of it this way, if majority of your life....you have heard racial slurs, racial jokes and racial put downs all targetted around you, will you learn to be able to decifer which are "supposedly" the ones that "are" funny and the ones that are just plain mean? well i can't decifer them.... not in the past, not now, not ever.

tooo fob to be white...too white to be fob....i only fit in my own category......sighs...sad, but true....

bleh bleh.....50 more mins till picking up matt....wow...he better be awake.....i'll be calling just to check up and wake him up....muhahaha..

that would be sweet....having someone as your personal wake up call...but the sad thing is...most chances, when the person does call me, i have to pretend i have the raspy voice and everything....why? cause most chances are, i've been awake for a few hours/ mins already....hahaha.

happy happy happy.....