huggie wuggie

ahhh....it's my tenth entry of today. holy crap...i've written alot in the past 24 hours or so. wow. wonder if that's a record if i've updated even more than 10 times in a day before.....hahahaha. well yeah. for sure, it's the quickest change of mood swings that i have ever seen in myself

the day....i woke up feeling a tad bit foul....i woke up...feeling a strong sense of sadness and disappointment. but as the day progressed, everything seemed to go better.

instead of reading tomorrow....read snow falling on cedars with matt today. didn't really get tooo far...sighs....from 170 to 216....that's not very far for 2 hours i think..... that's what? that's only 30 sum odd pagies....halfly....i didn't read quick enough...and well...i stuttered on alot of words....ah....not very far at all.

kinda felt bad for making him feel bad at times....kinda felt bad to make him feel awkward at br....yeah....wow....i'm actually alot fobbier than i thought i was....but nah...that's just me....

but now...i am sitting here in front of my pc, yet again....and muhahahaha....i just can't believe what i heard. i can't believe n e of it.

i am still sorry for causing sooo many problems with your family. all your problems occur because i have "intruded" in your life. seriously, that's how i see it. you say it's for the better, i still see me as an interuption and disruption in your household.

but...none the less....sabby is floating on a cloud yet again. a little disappointed maybe....but....ahhhhhh......*smiles very widely* can't help it...*blushes* ahhhhh.....

everything'll be a-o-k....i'll just need to prepare myself better for the next torrent of emotions that may come flooding back...ahhhhhyiiiiiiiiiii.....ahhhhhhhXPXPXPX

good night....

too fobby for you ma?

hahahaha. and so wow....I WON IN CHINESE CHECKERS!!!!! AHHHHHH!!!!!!! I WON!!!! I WON!!!!!! i owned both MATT AND BRIAN!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHH. IT'S THE FIRST TIME I EVER BEAT N E ONE IN CHINESE CHECKERS....AHHHH *huggie wuggie*

oh....i dunno.....but after him telling me why he didn't ask me.....i well....sighs...kinda don't want to give up the way i feel. XSXSXS i think i'll sleep really really well tonight. ahhhhhh. i think i need to sleep. i am just on top of the world today....ahhhh. or shall i say...i am now. hahaha.

i still feel like i'm the luckiest girl in the world. ahhhhhhhh. ahhhhh. oh....i just go run up to him and hug him. no matter how much i want to hug him....i don't. because i think it would just kinda be kinda weird. but....ahhhhh....one of these days...i will!!! muhahaha. just you watch...XPXP

playing mah jong now. muhahaha....another fobby event. muhahaha. sorry matt, i am very fobby at heart.....can you tolerate my asianess and my friends? oh....

admirable

hahaha. let's see. traits, characteristics, personality.....this is what makes a person seem all the more worth while isn't it now? hahaha.

dunno...maybe i'm a total utter romantic=.= but....none the less....i still think it's admirable.

it shows great character to know what you want and know whether or not you can handle a sitation. in a way, i don't know what i have to be so upset about....everything seems to be back to the way it used to be. hahaha. it's all good. hahaha. i'm satisfied....are you? is everyone happy now?!?! i'm happy. hahaha.....am i still in denial? i hope notXSXSXS

but yeah...as i was saying....knowing one self is the foundation of wise decisions. hahaha. it's not always about what you want. it's not always about what you feel. it's not about what everyone else says you should do. it's all about whether or not you know yourself to make the right decision. hahaha. well....it's that and well obviously what GOD's will is. hahaha.

so....i'm satisfied....dun think i'm upset n e more. hahaha. but, i'm in black ne ways. some part of me has died...and i'm in mourning. but....like a pheonix they die and become ashes, but a new one will rise up and take it's place from the ashes. i am refreshed, reborn, burdenless right now. hahaha.

some part of me is like the weather right now.....but...hahaha....it's because the grass needs water. hahahahXPXPXP

guilt

sighs....i'm sorry for posting so much. but as i practice my flute today, i notice how out of touch i am with my own life. i can't help but to think. thinking is what i do best....and sometimes...i think tooo well and i over kill the thought.

well now....hahaha....i've reached acceptance now. hahaha. i feel better now. i think it has alot to do with taking a nice long hot shower. hahaha. in the shower, all i could sing were songs of heartbreak and loneliness, pain and suffering, hurt and hatred......but then now, as i pick up my flute....i practice all the songs i once loved to sing at church. peices like, people need the lord, beautiful, majesty, searching, the promise of the rainbow, and ecetera. i practice these songs and i feel that life isn't so gloomy. life isn't so crappy. satisfaction once again.

i'm sorry that i make YOU feel guilty by posting sooo many thoughts. the truth is your decision and your choice. you should never feel bad for the decisions you make. the decisions made by you can never be mistakes, it's only when you put your decision into action that you notice that you might haveta revise what you initially set out for. making a good choice could become a big disaster if you don't put your actions in the right direction. and in the same way, a bad decision can become the best decision one man has ever made. if you feel bad, there's nothing to feel bad about. yeah, sure....some people along the way get hurt by your choices, but if they are people that care, they should come to understand the choices you make and should not force you to believe otherwise. sure, there are always better choices and what not to every decision one has to make, but hey, if you decided to do what you do, people can only try to pursue you to take different paths, but not force you. i am truly sorry that i somehow intruded on your life. i'm sorry that i brought sooo many problems into your life. as of now, i wish not to step away nor pursue any further. i will not force myself to smile, but i will not cry. i will not be depressed. i will look to LORD and say, THANK YOU FOR GIVING ME ANOTHER DAY, ANOTHER FRIEND.

貪心

你失戀　期待你快約我見一見面
使我終於等到被人掛念
還是以往對我那一套　都在靈驗
你始終未情願

想時日遠去我卻更加幼嫩
不怕相識多久亦常新鮮
明日我會搭上你的線
今日停電　怕根本是磨練

＃我肯相信　夢會浮現
　月光星宿　從來慢慢慢慢流轉
　未棄未離　實有那一天＃

＊誰貪心　從未抱過你一陣
　誰貪心　沒有吻我愛的人
　誰貪心　難道放棄你先算應份
　我笨　然而還未最笨

　誰貪心　其實愛你夠不幸
　誰貪心　誓要吻我愛的人
　誰貪心　從未試過對她太憎恨
　要恨　亦最多苦等你換人＊

倦　還未愛你愛到喪失信念
不理身邊多少蜜煻試煉
寧願我永遠當你雙眼　好像神殿
太專心地懷念

見多幾次　未夠留念
未得到你　如何擅自獨自情變
未算動人　動了我的天

REPEAT＊＃＊

kicking self in ass

well now...everything'll be a-o-k.
but...i'm still kicking myself in the ask for opening my mouth. blah....whatever.

i already know how i think it's gonna be. i think i know how i'll try to remain. muhahaha.....natural is the key.....hahaha.....i'll try....hahahaha. but dunno if i'll succeed.....args....can't sleep...but i have a splitting headache=.=

args...how can my sister still get 90's in uni??=.= i can barely even get and 80 in high school=.= sighs sighs.....i am trying to focus my mind on other things right now. it's just not fair to me, my friends, or my family for dwelling on things that i can't control.

hahaha.....was your only reason for saying no because of university and my bad timing? hahaha....so in a way...you think this friendship wouldn't last through distance too then....ye of little faith....sighs....oh wellz....i suppose it's time to move on then....

some people would wait...some people wouldn't....meh....i'll just see what happens next....hahahaha...

oh, so apparently i annoy ben. args=.= i try to help him and he thinks i'm annoying? what the heck? args....see if i ever try to help n e one ever again. yeah sorry, i can't help allowing that to get on my nerves. i know that i am annoying sometimes.....but you don't say that to people that try their best to help you....that just sounds a little ungrateful to me. i'm sorry...do you think i'm annoying to? *humph* *grrr* *shakes fist and shouts curses with mad, angry look on face*

sooo p.o-ed=.= sooo upset. sooo disappointed.

anothing pathetic day in the life of sabina. sighs...*tear tear*

Life is Like a Boat

Nobody knows who I really am
I never felt this empty before
And if I ever need someone to come along,
Who's gonna comfort me, and keep me strong?

We are all rowing the boat of fate
The waves keep on coming and we can't escape
But if we ever get lost on our way
The waves would guide you through another day

dooku de iki o shiteru toomei ni natta mitai
kudayami ni omoe dakedo mekaku shisarete tadake

inori o sasagete atarashii hi o matsu
asayaka ni hikaru umi sono hate made

Nobody knows who I really am
Maybe they just don't give a damn
But if I ever need someone to come along
I know you would follow me, and keep me strong

hito no kokoro wa utsuriyuku mukedashiteku naru
tsuki wa mada atarashii shuuki de mune o tsureteku

And every time I see your face
The ocean heaves up to my heart
You make me wanna strain at the oars, and soon
I can see the shore

Oh, I can see the shore
When will I see the shore?

I want you to know who I really am
I never thought I'd feel this way t'wards you
And if you ever need someone to come along,
I will follow you, and keep you strong

tabi wa mada tsuzuiteku odayakana hi mo
tsuki wa mata atarashii shuuki de ume o terashidasu

inori o sasagete atarashii hi o matsu
asayaka ni hikaru umi sono hate made

And every time I see your face
The ocean heaves up to my heart
You make me wanna strain at the oars, and soon
I can see the shore

Unmei no huneoko gi nami wa tsugi kara tsuki e to watashi-tachi o sou kedo
Sore mo suteki na tabi ne, dore mo suteki na tabi ne

*note* well now....i kinda need to figure out what the japanese says....hm....wonder if alysa would like to translate this for me...hm. hahaha. the song seems fitting in most parts....i never really listened to the lyrics till now. hm.....need to find more happy or angry music to get me out of this mood.*

saiyonara

i will not say good riddence. there is nothing to get rid of. through hurt and disappointment, you learn something new about yourself that you never knew about before. wow....so this is how getting let down truly feels. hahahah. it's pretty much just as bad as a broken heart...oh wait....they are pretty much the same thing in my case. hahaha. if something feels pretty much the same...hey, maybe they are? hahaha. i think i'm becoming crazy or sumthing....how can i be laughing^o) hm now.... *AWKWARD....*

restless

i've been awake since 5:30. i couldn't sleep. the last time i looked at the clock before i noticed i woke up was around 2:30ish. and i woke up at 5:30. wow. that's a record amount of sleep. my body is completely numb. before i slept....i was shivering all over. it's supposed to rain all weekend....i suppose that kinda portrays my mood. but i kinda wanna go for a run when it starts raining hard. i wanna catch some pathogen and get sick.....but knowing me....because i wanna get sick....i won't. oh wellz....feeling emotionally sick and like crap is pretty much as being physically bad. that would be even worst....being sick and actually feeling like crap....bad combination....only drives me deeper into despair.

i dunno i think it's the lack of sleep.....but today...i feel a little better. very slightly better. i think it's because i've cried tooo many tears. talking to jenny, i had my moments where i couldn't talk just because i wanted to hold back my tears. while at val's....keke^^:D:P i was preoccupied with SMILEY FRIES!!!! hahahaha. seeing smilies make me happy. hahaha. oh man.....i should buy some paint and draw smileys on the walls in my room!!! hahaha. then everytime i go in there....i couldn't help but smile at my room even though i feel like crap because how can you not smile at all the smiles looking at you? mr. wei wei foxy looks kinda like a glummy chum this morning. he looked happy yesterday....maybe it's just my mood. i need a stuffed animal=.=

well yeah....right before i slept round 2ish i believe.....all i can remember that i was crying....and at 5:30ish...i wake up...and my pillow is still wet....on days like this....i'm proud to have a door so i can hide how i feel away from my parents. but my parents like me better when i'm not happy. i talk quietly (if at all), i speak slowly, i speak with disconcern (but they think it's that i'm trying to calm my tone down.) eventually they pick up on my sour mood and take me shopping because they think it will cheer me up....shopping for materialistic things doesn't make me happy n e more. when i broke up with willy, it made me feel better to go shopping, but...i'm no longer young n e more. the way people think about me just isn't as important. the things i have doesn't portray who i am. it's just a waste of my time and my money. there's no where i want to go except back in time and change everything.....that's regretting isn't it? args=.= i will not regret.....because....only the future is to come...the past won't come back. sighs...i lied last night...i did end up scratching a layer of skin off my arm=.= felt sooo numb i didn't even know whether or not i was dreaming....and it didn't hurt....and it still doesn't hurt....so does that mean i'm not actually here and i'm dreaming???

i know what everyone wants from me. i know how everyone wants me to react. yeah, i'm failing miserably at all your standards. jenny thinks i need to grow up and learn some other output for the all the times being put down. val thinks i should learn to not cry over guys. my sister thinks i'm just foolish altogether for wearing my heart on my sleeve. jean will say everything will be okay and he wasn't worth it if he couldn't take the risk. brian....he wouldn't say n e thing because he doesn't know what to say these days, he'd just listen. matt oh doesn't think it's meant to be because he just didn't risk it. and all my other friends....they'd just say everything will be alright.

everything to feels like a trance. i think it's the lack of sleep. maybe i will sleep after all the staring of the computer screen. just maybe. dunno. couldn't sleep....my mommy comes down to ask me why i'm not sleeping. but these days...i've had sooo many sleepless nights that she won't even ask me what's wrong n e more... my mom thinks i've been awake and on the pc since last night...holy crap=.= but then again....i pretty much didn't sleep.

mother is working today at yee hong...my daddy is going to work too. i think i'm going to take a shower and then go for a long walk and then sit on the swing till it rains. need to recharge my phone...so i don't really know how safe i will be without it. all i want to do is take my cell phone and chuck it and break it.....trying to stay away from that. sighs.

not going n e where today.....staying at home....at least i'm the only one in my house with my sister.....and i always have my books. books are my best friend. they don't ever judge me....they make me cry, and when i do cry it's because the characters die or something sad happens or sumthing truly happy happy happens. other than that....they don't always affect my inner most being....good books should make me analyze the world....but, i have analyzed the world sooo many times that nothing seems knew to me. i just seem numb right now. i'm sitting in front of the pc, kinda emotionless and non-chalant about everything.

haha, for now, i can't help but feel like his decision was a crappy one. but....that's the power of prayer for you. hahaha. see, normally, my prayers are selfish and self-conceited...and it's always about my wants and my needs. hahaha...but....i've actually prayed this time that his will would happen. yeah, but i still rushed things none the less. i need to learn patience. hahaha, one thing i need to learn...patience...even though it may not be want i want, in the long run, it's best this way...maybe i can't see why now...but, in his time, everything will unfold itself into a very pretty rose.

yeah....i have a heart like a glass rose. elegant and great to look at...get tooo close and a little to clumsy, i shatter. but....hey....broken glass is a canvas of itself...it's still pretty and elegant, but...watch out...the shards can cut and leave you with an infected wound.

for now, all i can say is that today is a brighter day, even though technically it's not supposed to be because it'll rain, but....everything'll be a-o-k. maybe i'm in denial=.=

sleepless

i think i won't be sleeping till about 4ish tonight. can't sleep...tooo muchie thought that needs to be processed. tooo muchie to need to figure out....

few things that i need to clear up with myself.

feeling ugly. feeling unwanted. feeling like running away....natural instincts=.=