restless

i've been awake since 5:30. i couldn't sleep. the last time i looked at the clock before i noticed i woke up was around 2:30ish. and i woke up at 5:30. wow. that's a record amount of sleep. my body is completely numb. before i slept....i was shivering all over. it's supposed to rain all weekend....i suppose that kinda portrays my mood. but i kinda wanna go for a run when it starts raining hard. i wanna catch some pathogen and get sick.....but knowing me....because i wanna get sick....i won't. oh wellz....feeling emotionally sick and like crap is pretty much as being physically bad. that would be even worst....being sick and actually feeling like crap....bad combination....only drives me deeper into despair.

i dunno i think it's the lack of sleep.....but today...i feel a little better. very slightly better. i think it's because i've cried tooo many tears. talking to jenny, i had my moments where i couldn't talk just because i wanted to hold back my tears. while at val's....keke^^:D:P i was preoccupied with SMILEY FRIES!!!! hahahaha. seeing smilies make me happy. hahaha. oh man.....i should buy some paint and draw smileys on the walls in my room!!! hahaha. then everytime i go in there....i couldn't help but smile at my room even though i feel like crap because how can you not smile at all the smiles looking at you? mr. wei wei foxy looks kinda like a glummy chum this morning. he looked happy yesterday....maybe it's just my mood. i need a stuffed animal=.=

well yeah....right before i slept round 2ish i believe.....all i can remember that i was crying....and at 5:30ish...i wake up...and my pillow is still wet....on days like this....i'm proud to have a door so i can hide how i feel away from my parents. but my parents like me better when i'm not happy. i talk quietly (if at all), i speak slowly, i speak with disconcern (but they think it's that i'm trying to calm my tone down.) eventually they pick up on my sour mood and take me shopping because they think it will cheer me up....shopping for materialistic things doesn't make me happy n e more. when i broke up with willy, it made me feel better to go shopping, but...i'm no longer young n e more. the way people think about me just isn't as important. the things i have doesn't portray who i am. it's just a waste of my time and my money. there's no where i want to go except back in time and change everything.....that's regretting isn't it? args=.= i will not regret.....because....only the future is to come...the past won't come back. sighs...i lied last night...i did end up scratching a layer of skin off my arm=.= felt sooo numb i didn't even know whether or not i was dreaming....and it didn't hurt....and it still doesn't hurt....so does that mean i'm not actually here and i'm dreaming???

i know what everyone wants from me. i know how everyone wants me to react. yeah, i'm failing miserably at all your standards. jenny thinks i need to grow up and learn some other output for the all the times being put down. val thinks i should learn to not cry over guys. my sister thinks i'm just foolish altogether for wearing my heart on my sleeve. jean will say everything will be okay and he wasn't worth it if he couldn't take the risk. brian....he wouldn't say n e thing because he doesn't know what to say these days, he'd just listen. matt oh doesn't think it's meant to be because he just didn't risk it. and all my other friends....they'd just say everything will be alright.

everything to feels like a trance. i think it's the lack of sleep. maybe i will sleep after all the staring of the computer screen. just maybe. dunno. couldn't sleep....my mommy comes down to ask me why i'm not sleeping. but these days...i've had sooo many sleepless nights that she won't even ask me what's wrong n e more... my mom thinks i've been awake and on the pc since last night...holy crap=.= but then again....i pretty much didn't sleep.

mother is working today at yee hong...my daddy is going to work too. i think i'm going to take a shower and then go for a long walk and then sit on the swing till it rains. need to recharge my phone...so i don't really know how safe i will be without it. all i want to do is take my cell phone and chuck it and break it.....trying to stay away from that. sighs.

not going n e where today.....staying at home....at least i'm the only one in my house with my sister.....and i always have my books. books are my best friend. they don't ever judge me....they make me cry, and when i do cry it's because the characters die or something sad happens or sumthing truly happy happy happens. other than that....they don't always affect my inner most being....good books should make me analyze the world....but, i have analyzed the world sooo many times that nothing seems knew to me. i just seem numb right now. i'm sitting in front of the pc, kinda emotionless and non-chalant about everything.

haha, for now, i can't help but feel like his decision was a crappy one. but....that's the power of prayer for you. hahaha. see, normally, my prayers are selfish and self-conceited...and it's always about my wants and my needs. hahaha...but....i've actually prayed this time that his will would happen. yeah, but i still rushed things none the less. i need to learn patience. hahaha, one thing i need to learn...patience...even though it may not be want i want, in the long run, it's best this way...maybe i can't see why now...but, in his time, everything will unfold itself into a very pretty rose.

yeah....i have a heart like a glass rose. elegant and great to look at...get tooo close and a little to clumsy, i shatter. but....hey....broken glass is a canvas of itself...it's still pretty and elegant, but...watch out...the shards can cut and leave you with an infected wound.

for now, all i can say is that today is a brighter day, even though technically it's not supposed to be because it'll rain, but....everything'll be a-o-k. maybe i'm in denial=.=