sometimes i just need a whacking here and there.....blah.....

sighs......i am content with the way i feel now......i just hope it lasts....keke^^  i think well.....i will try to avoid guys for a time being.  and i will try to avoid people that don't annoy me.....gotsta work on patience......

 
it's funny that the lesson i need to learn over and over again is about love.....and it's funny how the verse under my blog title is about love....but yet i've grown sooo accustomed to it that i rarely even read it n e more....sighs.....

i think the only reason why i think about love soo much is because i have a constant fear of being alone.  and when this cloud of loneliness comes over me.....i become unwilling to see many things....sighs....

PRAISE THE LORD that he lifted the depression.....

 

for some reason.....i am reassured.....and i think i can live to what i was created for.  i know i am not GOD.  i know that well GOD is love.  and i know that we are created in the image of GOD.  yes i know we will never be like GOD because we are separated by sin.....but you know what?!?!?  we might as well try as hard as we might knowing we will fail here and there.  there is no such thing as failing....it's more like not doing to the full capacity of what we could.  maybe in many people's sense that is the same thing as failing....but really.....it doesn't matter a whole lot to me. 

yes....there are many types of love....but to me.....love is still love.  i try to love everyone as much as i possibly can.  yes.....maybe tommy is right....it's cause i felt like i failed.  but really.....that bit just doesn't matter n e more.  because i know i am human.  and i know i am not perfect.  i know that i will never be GOD.  it may be for the reason that i have been trying to perfect being like GOD that i lost the sense of me.  i lost the sense that i could never be.  keke^^ 

I know how GOD feels when we dissappoint him.  it's funny.  i think this is the same lesson that i was taught time and time again.  i never truly learn because i become dissappointed every time.  i finally know the true reason why i was upset.  it wasn't because someone spent soo much on a person.  it's because that well....caring in this sense equalled money.  so in this sense....thise jerk ass that i believed to be a jerkass spent like tons of money on someone......and i became mad because i had never really ever felt that much love from someone before.  remember...in this sense i equavilated love with money.  something really stupid. 

I will never be GOD.  i can only try and not match up.  i just have to remember to never give up....

hm......i think i finally know why i was feeling so shitty....val....you gonna think i'm a fishy fishy christian girl.  but you know what?!?!  so what if my church has fallen apart?  so what if i wasn't as great a christian as i used to be?  so what if everything i touch has turned to dirt?  what i touch could have turned to gold.....but GOD needed me to see differently.  i suppose i just needed someone to reassure me what i was living for.  keke^^  and some how.....tommy did dat....whack....

and so what if tommy was right?  i am trying to hide from this emptiness i felt?  so what if i was?  well at least now i am reassured.  i may not be the happiest child....but i can only strive for better.  it may not last.....but it doesn't mean it won't come back.  i'll fall into depression again......prolly in the next week or so....but till then.....i have alot of stuff i need to work on. 

sighs......don't get to know me.....i don't want to disappoint you....

a single word.  a sing action.  a single look can trigger emotions deep within that i tried to avoid so many years.  but that one single word, action or look causes an outburst of deeply hidden sorrows.  sighs sighs....

yeah....i know i know....my friends have become totally sick of being my shrink.  yeah i know i know.....it's not their fault....cause i am constantly feeling like shit.  sighs sighs. 

been in a bad mood ever since saturday....what the fuck?  why was i so fucking jealous?!?!  what the fucking hell is wrong with me?!?!  args args......

for some reason....my mommy just wanted to spend some extra mother sister time with me today.  i find this super queer.  but i love my mommy altogether.  but when i say this....i feel like crying.  why?  sighs.... is it because i truly don't love anyone?!?! 

am i incapable of loving???  sighs sighs.....

i feel so empty.  i feel like my world has fallen apart a few times over.  sighs sighs.  what will happen to me when i hit menopause?  everyone says this is pms.....i've been looking into it.....it's true that being extremely moody with thoughts that just confuse you is normal, it is also not normal for you to be like this anytime.  it is not normal if the week is not set.  sighs sighs. 

i don't know what has driven me so insane.  but i am.  and well.....unlike what val said.....i do not need a boi.....but maybe i want one......

i do not need someone to boost up my self esteem.  only i can do that.  i am unwilling to talk to strangers.  i am no longer out going.  every quality that people first fell inlove with me has now deteriorated.  if you want the person i am now....this is the person i will be.  i can't help it.  this gloomy out look in life has been with me since the very first memory i actually have.  sighs sighs.  most of my memories....inflicted by the pain and torment others have caused to me.....and pain and torment into which i have inflicted on self because of the thinking that if i enjoy too much now......all i have is gloominess. 

have i already tired out the days of which i would enjoy myself in?  will i spend the rest of my life like this?  will i be a miserable bitch for the rest of my days?  sighs sighs.

my whole family is bytching.  sighs sighs.  everyone is shit talking about everything and everyone else.  sighs sighs. 

i am running out of things to say to those that can actually talk to me.  sighs sighs.  some people want to talk to me....but yet i only answer with one word answers.  sighs sighs.  but well that's what they do to me.  it's just because i'm going antisocial.  i have nothing and everything....sighs sighs.....

so fucking moody lately.  and everyone says it's just a phase.  but i know it is not.  i am becoming more cold every day.  i noticed this when i began loosing all my patience.  everyone says it's stress, but i know different.  everyone says it's just because i was too used to being caring and that caring was what was driving me insane.  sighs sighs.  not the truth.  and don't you even classify me as another fucking teenager.  i have my OWN fucking emotions.....and i am not like EVERYONE else.  i don't need to fucking hear that everyone else is just the same.  i know i am similar to everyone....but i am not like eveyrone else.  everyone else still has feelings....everyone else is still different....similar....not the same.  you classify everyone as being one in the same.  everyone is fucking different.  everyone has fucking learnt to deal with every piece of bullshit differently.

sighs.  i am one of those people who have learnt to become the way i am.....but every bit of me is being whacked by the person who taught me to be me....sighs sighs. 

keke^^  guess what everyone?!?!?  take a guess at what has happened to me?!?!  keke^^  yeah yeah....i'm still a grumpy pooh....but meh.   well since i don't have my nice fast pc.....i am stuck with my shitty ass slow, rundown peice of shit.  but having a rundown peice of shit as a pc is better than having none right?!?!?  keke^^