tearry eyed....

sighs....i want to get out of here....but another part of me, a stronger part of me just wants to stay at home and do whatever i can even though there's nothing much that i can do for myself.

i feel sooo vulnerable.
i feel sooo unwanted by others. but, this i know is completely due to my sense of insecurity around strangers.

oh man, i really hope this feeling subsides....

for sucha long time now, i haven't felt like calling n e one. i haven't felt like talking to anyone. i haven't felt like doing anything with or around n e one. but i don't think many have noticed this. most people who come on line, i don't say n e thing....i just can't....i really try....but i just can't come to call or talk or listen. it seems like i'm starting to drown out everything except my own wave patterns. oh yeah, did i tell you i can hear radiation/static/electricity? i don't know why, but for some reason, i can hear a microwave going from like 3 to 4 rooms away...... i can hear my incandecent lights going even when i have the music on. maybe it's normal..... maybe it's not. loud noises hurt my ears and hurts my head. i've grown sensetive to things....even my own voice. sighs.....

as i'm reading what i type now, i don't hear myself. i hear my stupid words coming out of the screen. i don't even know how i can make sentences n e more. blah...args....grrrrr.....egh.....blah....

stupidity

well i don't know......

i've come to the findings that life is not worth living for. but, the only reason we live is because we are not made for human purposes, because if we were to follow the aims of most humans, we would simply leave no mark of our exsistence, or rather even less than we do now.

i find that there is nothing worth following among humans. nothing of man is admirable. all qualities that were supposed to be qualities of great character are twisted so that humans view it as something undesireable. i ask, what kind of society do we live in??? all things that were supposed to be logical and easy to comprehend turn into lies and troubles?!? sighs.....mankind is deteriorating at such a quick pace. args args.

sighs....i think my judgement is becoming clouded. i just don't see things sooo clearly n e more. sighs sighs.

i'm just sooo scared.....of what??? i can't tell you.....i just fear that somethings about to happen.....and i have chills running through my entire body, or maybe it's cause i'm in the basement?!?!?

shy?!?!?

so.....some people take my shyness as being stuck up i see. sighs sighs. i think i am rather loosing my confidence cause i do care tooo muchie. args. =.= what a stupid problem.....blah....

i don't know.....dying of old age seems to be such a torment at times. sighs sighs. hey...it's almost christmas...that means joy and josh will be coming back to canada soon!!! yeah yeah!!!! keke^^:D:P yupz yupz. i have no idea....but blah......

i don't know.....these days....i feel soooo shitty all the time....blah....

maybe i have been either eating tooo muchie, or eating too lil.....sleeping too muchie or sleeping tooo lil. i can't have the perfect balance. evil....ewwww....

anti-socialable....

sighs sighs......i am majorly annoyed. but oh wellz. sighs......maybe i'm just tooo tired and way too hungree. i'm supposed to be doing hmwk....but i can't concentrate...sighs sighs.....

my heart feels sooo heavy. but i don't know why it does either, it just does. sighs sighs. haveta start going to le biblioteque and like find some stupid sources for my research project. fucker.....=.=

yeah......i swear sooo much now. sighs sighs. gotsta cut back on this foul mouth talking.

my sister's coming back today for like five minutes before she is leaving again. so yeah. blah....great visit aye?!?!?

well at least she gave me her like cell phone....but i really much work on my calc. i haven't been doing my homework....i wouldn't be surprised if i didn't pass this test....i've been lazing around for this unit. it's the introduction to calc and i started like not trying already?!?!? crap....

want to go to the gym tonight....but i don't know if i will be able to.

well i want to go to a party on the 30th. but i ain't sure if i'll be able to go....sighs sighs.....i really hope that my parents let me go.......args.....a party with 21 year olds?!?!? blah......and i'll be the youngest. as usual.....i won't fit in. obviously cause i just don't like "chill" with strangers very well. i get tooo nervous talking to strangers. plus, i can't really look people in the eyes when they are talking to me......that look in their eyes like burns my soul metaphorically speaking of course....sighs sighs.

my friends may or may not notice that i don't look at their eyes....but when i look at them, i don't always look them straight in the eyes......i just cant. i always tend to look down at my feet.....blah. yeah....when it comes to strangers....i have like no egh....self-confidence or rather i'm just tooo self-conscious when i'm around strangers. blah....i don't know...should i go or should i not? i mean......it would be good to go to a party....since i haven't gone for sooo long...if ever gone to one....so yeah...don't knwo how i'd actually handle social situations like this aye?!?! so i suppose it would be nice to go to this one as a new experience?!?! blah.....yeah i sound sad aye?!?! but it's true....i don't go to parties....at least ones with people who i don't know. i'll be sticking out like a sore thumb because i'll be the unhappy chickadee in the corner i suppose.....
i'm not planning to drink.....i hate beer....but i like coolers...keke^^:D:P straight vodka n e one?!?!? blah...but i don't plan to drink....tooo many consumed calories...so yeah. and plus, i just don't like the taste.

should i go or should i not???? my friends want me to go.....but then again....it would kill me to go.....i'd rather have a party with a few clothes friends prefered to the random uni people party...args args.....

not that great of a dilemna...but still.....should i go or should i not?!?!

tired...

well.....jo's gonna work today. val's doing a project crap....sighs sighs. oh wellz. so basically, i have nothing to do except to sit at the pc and do hmwk....how hot aye?!?!?

sighs......i really want a very very old song......yeah, it's the one from "prince of egypt.....miracles" yeah.....i don't know why, but one day i was in the shower and i just started singing the whole song. i don't know, i haven't listened to that song or heard it for sooo long...blah. i don't know.....i have no idea i even remembered the words to that song. whack.....blah.....

well gotsta go back to doing hmwk....