i hate family problems. everything always gets twisted and everything is always my fault. grrr....always. i will never be good enuff. yeah....lyphe is but a duty. a duty to pleaze everyone. sighs sighs. u must find ways to communicate. u must find ways to keep everyone happy. sighs sighs. what a pointless duty. sighs sighs. lyphe is but a duty one must complete. sighs sighs.

i just wanna cry and drown myself in my own bitter tears. sighs sighs. no one'll ever let meh do dat, but i would be unwilling to swim in my salty tears, maybe i'd just float cause dey are salty? hehehe=>:d i dunno......sighs....

i just notice dat i am very miserable to my family. i just always ask em for money and never want n e thing more to do with them. sighs sighs. i will never be close to them. sighs sighs....but in dis world, dere is no definate answer, ur no will be turned to a yes and ur yes into a no very quickly. sighs sighs. wish i'd just die, but dat's da funniest thing. da more u wanna die, da more you wun. oh wellz....i'll enjoy tonite....whateva i have left...

sighs. i am that spoiled little brat that i really didn't want to become. sighs sighs. i always get what i want and i can't understand why people won't leave me be. sighs sighs. mabye i'm not made to be a human with human emotions and a human body. maybe i shoulda been dust all my lyphe. sighs.

why such a bad day? why? why does my sista not think that i treat her as my sister? maybe it's just the way i am, i will forever be close to my friends and myself before i'll ever get close to my family. i'd rather tell my friends n e thing before i'd tell my parents. that's just the way i am. i've never had that bond, and i am not willing to try for it. why? because i'm afraid, because it hurts too much to try. yeah, my parents to be sooo far away. even when i ask a simple yes or no question, it takes them forever to answer meh and get to the point. yeah, it's like dis for alot of people, but i don't think you people understand how bad it is da way it is now. maybe i should just drink sum bleach and end up in hell. sighs, GOD is my strength, he is my protector, he is my LORD, MY EVERYTHING. i'm falling apart once more.

i will always be that piece of trash that causes every problem. it's all my fault. can't people just let me take out my anger by myself? my own way? i suppose my family doesn't understand me as much as they thought they did. my family is always angry, they can yell at you for no apparent reason. yeah, it's just like dat. everyone in my family is a moody person. me? i am no different.

yeah, i'm a miserable person. maybe i do cause alot of the problems. i make our family name a disgrace. yeah yeah...blah blah. it is my fault. but yet people would tell meh differently. this day has been a horrible day. i'm pissed off.

well....tonight if i'm hungry, i'll just drink water then. so it's alritez. maybe i'll just sleep early tonite. maybe dat's all i lack, a good nite sleep.

yeah, i don't care for my sister, rubbish. yeah, my friends walk at the mall with me, my sister, she doesn't walk with me. yeah. when my friends walk with me at the malls, yet she despises the mall. i hate tennis. i hate running, we have nothing in common. the only thing in common we have is blood. walking around the neighborhood i only like doing that by myself. but no one understand that. yeah. everyone in my family likes to explode. we're all ticking time bombs waiting to explode. sighs sighs.

to my family, i'll always just be this annoying little speck that never does n e thing rite. it will always be my fault that sumone becomes angry. yeah, just because my sister's angry at meh, that's fine, but i can't be mad at n e one? oh yeah. great fair world. yeah. maybe i treat the world as if the world owes me something, u wanna noe what? it does. all i've ever gotten from n e one is trash. trash, trash, trash. yeah, i'm the "cold" one in the family. i'm always the one that's moody. i'm always the one upset. oh? u think i like feeling this way. well they can all just well kiss my ass if so. yeah, it's cruel. guess what? the world that GOD created that wuz soo good to begin with ain't so good n e more. yeah, they want me to see something? well guess what? just because their older doesn't mean that they do know more, yes they can, but it doesn't mean i haven't seen it or heard it before. yeah, i'm angry. now i have more people on my list of anger. yeah. i'm not the one that's able to raise my voice just a semitone higher. yeah, the world does owe meh, it owes meh alot. yeah, but i'm a sinner, i don't deserve n e thing, and everything i get is GOD given, yeah....all that stuff i've been fed since almost my first memory. well at least two years afta my first memory. i'm a miserable person? so what? like u aren't? yeah yeah, no ones perfect, blah blah......i don't need to hear n e of the shit n e of you people have to say at the present moment. i just wanna run away....but luckily, i'm not pissed to insanity yet.....i can still be quite sane now. yeah...is it my fault my sister thinks she's fat? is it my fault that i like to go shopping and not walk around the neighborhood with my sister? is it my fault that i don't like this safe comfortable neighborhood i'm in? is it my fault that i can't move out and live on my own? is it my fault that i'm just me?

yeah, everyone of you is trash, believe it or not, u were all made from dust, and to dust u shall return. what is dust to you? dat stuff dat gets stuck on da bottom of ur shoes, u wash it off because it irritates you. yeah...that's what dust is, and in terms of that, u are that annoying irratable microscopic peices of crap. yeah.....bad day. i dunno wha da hell is wrong with my family at the present moment, but i will not apologize, even if they think i did sumthing wrong. they can force it outta meh, it'll mean nothing. yeah......

my dad's angry now, more frustrated then anything. my mom's always frustrated and hating everything she hasta do, but she still enjoys doing it. my sista, maybe i follow after her, dat lil annoying moody lil gurl. i ain't perfect, i noe i aint. but i hate those that make meh sound even more worthless than i already am. i also don't like dose dat make meh sound more righteous then everyone else. i can't accept compliments. i can't accept complaints. i see it for myself.

my dad's going insane now. but i really am in no mood to eat now. i'm pissed beyond believe, but my daddy'll prolly come down and yell at meh if i don't go up.

okayz, now i'm pissed. i've finally figured it out. i'm pissed, just in a very civil way. with who, i noe exactly who. why? i noe exactly why. should i tell you? i'd rather not, some things should never be kept to self, but this, i still won't, i just won't tell ya.

man, i can't say it's all my fault, but i can't say it's not. my sista's having her lil moody fits, and she's pissing meh off. she's going through stress and after all these years, she still doesn't know how to handle it. she's still mad at me because i wuz unwilling to take a walk with her. walking, i only enjoy with my friends or by myself, i do not like walking and talking much to family when i go on "family walks." when i do go on family walks, maybe my pace is too quick or sumthing, but i'm always ahead of em by like miles. i dunno, maybe it because i really dun give muchie bout my sista's moody fits n e more or sumthing, but i seem to not be as angry n e more. at least, i can't stay angry at her stupid moody swings as long as i used to stay. i could choose be angry at her, only finding it is foolish and stupid. but yet she won't let go that i wouldn't walk with her? man, she's a bit childish don't u think? sighs sighs. only i can talk about my sister this way, but i will still always love her and respect her as the person she is. so any one have n e thing bad to say about my sister, u'd betta watch out. even if i do not do n e thing when i hear it, but ur judgement is in heaven.

i don't feel much different, but to some, i've grown soo much older than my age. have i? am i? maybe i don't handle stress very well either. will you hate meh if i changed too much? would u hate meh if i ignored you for a while? would u hate meh when i become too stressed and depressed? would u hate meh for just the way i am? in a world filled with hate, how do you think it's possible to find love? love is everywhere, in such small amounts that it takes way more effort to see it.

have u ever had the feeling where someone is literally giving you a hug, but u see no arms around you? have u ever felt that way before? well i have. u may think it's scary, but at times when i feel like i need hugs, mentally, that feeling comes bak. it just feels extremely comforting. but i suppose, that feeling with real arms that you can see wrapped around you would feel even more comforting. sighs. i don't know what i am. am i anxious, am i excited, am i depressed, or am i happy or angry? i don't know. i hate feelings, but i can't hate them. i love feelings, but they just create so much chaos. sighs. hope all goes well. sighs sighs. l8a

yeah, when skool starts, i'll prolly come here even more often. just to at least to complain about how shabby and crappy skool lyphe is. i don't know. the years fly by so fast, just like every other year. soon enuff, i will be old, sitting in a chair not being able to do any thing for myself. i already see that old lady within myself. not acknowledging n e thing around meh, just seeing it as it goes by. u wish to do sumthing, but unable to because u can't stand, u can't sit still, u can't hold ur hands without shaking. all those signs of old age. how i wish to be that little girl, but do i really? i don't think i need to tell you all about that stuff n e more, it wuz horrible enuff.

well, many people i noe will be going to some skool that is close enuff to home to go bak, and i am no different, i just wished dat my fave university wuzn't so close to home. yeah, my ultimate u is mac. but i have no choice, with my grades as dey stand now, i won't make it to n e university. sighs....in grade 10 and i didn't even make it to the honour roll, it's gonna be no different in grade 11. sighs sighs. i only got a 78 in biology, so what should i say? i will not do that great in n e other science course. sighs. english, only an 81......a drop of four percent from grade nine, maybe i should work harder. yes, in fact, i need to. sighs. yes.....i must no matter how hard it is. i must self motivate myself. is that possible? i hope u'll be dere to encourage meh to do betta, i noe as GOD noes dat i can do betta, but i dun try my best. sighs.

well maybe it's because i've never been a really happy person, but i've always wanted time to proceed and go forward. even when i wuz enjoying da moment, i only wished to have more moments like dat, never da same one. i don't need to give you an example do i? i think you all know what my happy moments were, with whom, how and where u all know....or at least can guess at. hehehe=>:D but my time will not be spent dat way, and i should no longer yearn for moments like those. but i can't help it. it's everyone dreams to be held or to hold. it's everyone's dream to love and be loved, yeah, u can love ur family and friends, it's just not the same. having sumone to complete you as what many people would say is actually a really good term for this feeling. yes, but all feelings disappear over time. not all feelings last. some, based on choices can. no matter how hurt u become because of this feeling/choice, u will never regret it and only wish to have more moments, not the same. maybe it's just meh, maybe it isn't, but i really don't care a whole lote at the present moment, i'm just pissed off.

seeing the bigger picture doesn't require much of anything, but at the same time, it takes alot of perseverance. u might not want to see how the image is still distorted in the form it is. u will never be able to see the entire image, only GOD can, but what u see are like puzzle pieces being put together rite before your eyes. maybe i'm wrong, but that's the way i see it.