kinda sooo weird, i wuz looking in da mirror tonight and i noticed sumthing. i look so fake. i'm just hiding behind dis image which people call SABINA. well maybe it's just because of da semi dyed hair dat makes meh feel fake, but maybe it't not. what's actually pathetic is dat i'm proud of being chinese, but yet i'm willing to hide behind things dat i am not. why did i dye my hair to begin with? now because i've done it once, i cannot imagine myself with any other color besides brown hair. i suppose image is very important to everyone, even if you say u dun care. sum where inside of you knows u want to look semidecent. but meh on the other hand, i suppose my sister is rite, i hide behind de image of myself. i am 100% myself when it comes to being personality, but when it comes to being matter of confidence, i suppose i lack alot. dere are alot of things i cannot handle. hm...mabye one of it being myself. maybe i'm just one lil confused gurl. things i wished i didn't understand, but i did. and there are things wish i did understand. bak to my knitting. my silent activity. hehehehe=>:D

sars is bak. sighs sighs. dis world is getting worst and worst. i'm become afraid, not for myself, but for everyone. well let's count, dere was ecoli, dere wuz dat beef thing, dere wuz dat sars, den dere wuz dat darkness....man, wuz da count now? four??? sooo weird...oh wellz.

well, let's see, i watched another like stupid romatic movie again. sooo bad of meh. i noe, dose types of films make meh upset. i dunno. dey just do, dere supposed to be happy because dey have happy endings. yeah, i am jealous, but of what? why not let you talk. yeah....today's da twentieth, and guess what? it's been half a year and 2 days now, do you want meh to count de hours and minutes too? well it's been an hour and about 45 mins or so. yeah, i'm a counting fanatic. maybe i should stop counting. hehehe=>:D but maybe i can't help it? nah nah, i noe i can help it. maybe it's meant to be for a reason. maybe it wuz never meant to be. hehehe=>:D GOD has betta plans. hehehe=>:D u can't say i'm not disappointed, because den i would be denying everything. and u noe i dun like lying to myself. hahaha=>:d some people like meh just haveta learn to care les i suppose. hahahahaha=>:D oh wellz. meh tired. hope you have fun. hehehehe=>:D i'm tired, very very tired. hehehehe=> well i hope you all have fun. hehehe=>:D

when is da day where my knight in shining armour finds meh?

u can wish to have too much, but yet always be disatisfied because u do not get what u want. but instead, be thankful of what u have and what you don't have may just be urs sumday. yeah, weird lil sayings imparted on me when i was very little. u'd expect meh to be a christian all my lyphe since i have gone to churchie all my lyphe. doing so does not make meh n e betta of a christian than just someone who acknowledges CHRIST. yeah. i'm hypocritical sum times.

well i have nothing more to say now, all my thoughts, well just some of em. i'm going now. if ya need a hug, here you go, if you need a kiss, *muah* if you need a slap in the face, *slap* "oh sorry did i slap too hard?" now good day to you too for there is much to do and soo little time......love ya'll....

i am very opinionated, but if you wanna prove meh wrong or share ur light, that is great....because it helps meh to see things dat i never saw before. hehehe=>:D well i love you all. and i hope u all da best. GOD bless you all. GOD loves you no matta what u've done. no one is too great a sinner.

sum stupid saying, love and be loved. give, and you will recieve. take and things will be stolen from you. ask and it shall be urs. nothing's too great, and nothing's too small. just notice in ur heart and u will see things u cannot see with ur eyes.

yeah.....kinda stupid.....it's kinda a lil phrase from a kiddie book i used to have. u'd wonder why i still rememba it, just read it with ur heart. it has a lot of meaning to it......so yeah, meh going now....l8a

there is a time for everything under the heavens. what humans do is the fact that they do no see this. they want everything for themselves causing pain and suffering for themselves and those around them. they become angry at the pain they feel. they want to hate and then they learn to hate. they despise everything that is good and everything not soo good. men have no happiness at this stage. men have lost ability to see the light and shine in the darkness. they have simply lost all hope which is infront of them.

not all things lost should be retrieved, it's betta dat u try, but not best if u get it bak. u can't loose sumthing that didn't belong to you in the first place. i wuz watching tv, when dis person said sumthing very touching. of course dis is in chinese, but it goes like dis.....love or a relationship is based on the choices and feelings and sacrifices which the two people are willing to take. and in the same way, when u loose the love of ur lyphe of whatnot, it's not always ur fault dat u lost, it's because neither is willing. u do not grow cold or ruthless, u simply choose to become. yeah, my view of lyphe again....everything is based on choices, as i've stated, da greatest power GOD gave man was choice. choices can be destructive, it can take down what was already built, but it can also be very peaceloving and contented when u build and enjoy. betrayal and hate is what comes before self-denial, u do not want to blame urself, so you choose to blame some one else, which is hate. betrayal is only the state of mind which u feel as an excuse to hate. u noe....as a gurl, it's always said as this, the most precious gift a gurl could ever give to n e body or the world is her heart. it's different for a guy, yeah, sexist point of view, but women and men will always be different, if not, why did GOD create male and female? did he not create male first? so in da same way, a man is to protect, nurture, and persevere for the woman, for woman is weaker, for it was she who ate the apple first. maybe it's just my opinion and everyone can be against meh, but remember, one man who the world thinks is wrong maybe rite in the very end. as i've said, i will never let go. my memories still taunt at meh and laugh at me, but i've already conquered them so that they do not bug me except to bring tears. tears are an amazing thing. pity the person who cannot cry for they cannot express themselves to the highest extent. even GOD cried. even GOD mourned. even GOD find happiness and joy. is it not for humans to walk in the likeness of GOD, but never truly being the same as him?

moving on and letting go are two different things......some say u must let go in order to move on, but really, that is entirely up to you. sometimes it may seem as if you've snapped, like the rope which u hold too tightly upon, but it doesn't. it's simply because u let go and have mere support in ur surroundings. let ur memories lie on the rope with is GOD given. dat rope will never snap unless u cut it. at times u hold on to it lightly and at times u hold on with all ur strength. memories are things dat are with you, no matter how much dey hurt or not. it's not sumthing dat u could care less about because u should have learnt sumthing through ur past experiences that u still feel. it is not rite to say you do not care. as what i say, when u say you do not care, u actually think it's important enuff to say that u dun. dat means sumhow, sumwhere within you, u care just da tiniest bit or u'd just be like walking off. that's just what i see...nothing big...

a few things to da reada....dese ain't new thoughts, dey have come and gone in ur head, but meh, i just need to express em. pluz, i think too much added upon all dis....so whateva....

now on to my own thought......i dunno.....u say i could neva be a snob, how nice of ya.....but hm.....being snobby would be a person with too much pride and will not eva look at any one else and care about dere problems. so in a sense, maybe i am a snob already? hm.....i do not know, am i? but yet i remain da same, content with the compliment that took meh years to learn to accept. yeah, when u first knew meh, i couldn't take compliments. i just couldn't. it was sooo hard for meh just because i had been insulted much of my lyphe. my first compliment that actually meant n e thing came from a friend, when i was in grade 7. dis was a year when a lonely gurl seemed to lost her way because she felt outta place and alone. i met dis gurly. in my attempts to keep her happy, i listened to her, i helped her, noticing what i did not feel at da time. one could say she changed my lyphe. den one day....a compliment in the words of a thank you came, at first, i really didn't know how to take it, really, i couldn't. i haddn't learnt to deal with sumthing that wuz supposed to be soo happy. but later on i suppose, it touched my heart, and i grew less angry at da world, and kinda let myself go. but i can't say it lasted long.....because that feeling of enjoyment and happiness faded by grade 9. grade nine wuz my worst year, fighting with depression along side hiding a face of real brutality......i couldn't help it. i wuz angry, yet i wuz sad, i wanted to be happy, but nothing i found could satisfy, i hated GOD for the misery he caused meh, but hating him only gave meh a thought. if i hated sumthing, that means at some time, i had either admired him or will admire him, so why not admire him now? and in this collosal thought, i admired him. and then i came to realization dat well, everything happens because of him...and so i should have been thankful and not unthankful for it. i learnt to be a betta person. in dis light....GOD gave meh a heart to care....yeah, i stretched it a bit making dat i care too much for da lil details, but there is a saying in lyphe dat goes like dis, if you cannot care about the lil details of sumthing big, how can u care about the whole big thing? stupid saying.....it's my saying, and derefore, i learn to care about everything. i can't say it bugs meh much to see someone hurt, it's just like everyone else, but i still care for the person who is hurt and i still try to care. i don't care much for the situation, but i'll sit and listen to ur hearts content. i'll be dere, and hoping in return u would be dere for meh. but dat dun matta. to some i may be a horrible person because i care soo much dat i always seem to be in ur business, but if i didn't care a cent i wouldn't have asked in da first place. if you cared much u wouldn't have needed for meh to ask. but i believe dat asking is betta den when sumthing turns explosive and u haveta tell someone.

i dunno what dis thought is about....i suppose i'm just weird and i have too many thoughts. i think too much? plus, dese thoughts ain't very proper, dis is just my web of thoughts so dey ain't too defined now.

bak to being explosive, yeah, when u finally need to explosed, dat when u urself feel as if dere is no hope at all, and to meh, dat worst then meh being nosy about it. it's hard to heal sumone when dey feel as if dey can't be helped. it's hard to fix sumthing coiled den sumthing bent basically. it's not impossible, but it's just hard. but sometimes, for meh and honestly, people don't ask meh much, and i just haveta end up exploding everything to my hearts desire. yeah, i got and made some of my friends to be colder now, just because dey dun wanna are, so dey just sit and listen saying nothing in return, not caring about how to help meh, but just wanting meh to be like i wuz before. i cannot find sumthing crueler den dat. yeah, i am not often like dat, but i do want you to be bak as u were before, but i still care about ur present state. dat's da diff between meh and alot of other people. dey simply just dun care and want u to be happy, i care and want u to be happy, so i sit. listening and carefully analyzing ur thoughts to think of a betta solution. not sumthing short and temporary. it might be a long process, but at least in the end, u could learn a few things, maybe a view or two? so yeah...dat's my thought. l8a

well.....as dere is lyphe....der'll always be misery.....dat's one thing u can foresee. i dunno.....ecclesiastes kinda really states it very well....dere is nothing new under the sun.....it's just a chasing of the wind......yeah, u prolly noe dat book very well.....and so do i, but dat book is one of da books dat gives much if you read to da very end....without GOD.....dere is nothing....without GOD.....dere will be nothing....without GOD.....dere can't be anything.....

humans do not grow numb ova time.....dey just dun wanna feel as much as dey did before....and ova time....dey learn to become diff.....is dis is how dey change emselves...nothing to be ashamed...cause i've done dat not about hm....oh say at least 5 times at minimum....but da way i am now, i will stay at least for a lil while....u wanna noe why??? here goes....even doe dat i dun seem very happy now, i find enjoyment in da times dat i am, i am thankful when i am not, and i am willing to take on new challenges even doe emotionally people think it's impossible. i'm greatful enuff.....it's not da caring dat bugs meh.....what bugs meh is dat well....people care to da extent dat dey take everything for grated.....they are not thankful.....dey dun care simply because dey neva thought to care. i dunno....when u say u're human, to meh....it sounds like an excuse....and partially it is.....in a sense....u could say.....because i'm human i can do dat, dat and dat.....just because i'm human and it can't be helped. dere's where ur wrong....how can u do sumthing u noe is wrong? couldn't u at least have tried not to? i cannot judge you, but GOD can. nothing is hidden in light. human nature is evil, but must we walk in dat path? could we not at least try with the grace of GOD to improve? why must we walk da easy path when dat only brings more suffering in the end?

hm.....sighs.....u ain't sounding too kool.....yeah....four words dat stage da course of lyphe.....but which one do you think is betta??? all dose seem to be pessimistic veiws.....in light of all bad situations, dere is light at the end of the storm. in ur last statement, it's kinda funnay.....u say those for words.....sensitivity, cruelety, accusasion, and reality. dose are very simple terms....but in dat last statement u just said, u had all for of em at da same time. really come to notice it urself, u notice what kinda person ya are. no one man is only at one place in dose four words when dey are not feeling as happy or pleasant as dey were. with sensitivity, u notice da word of cruelty....which is realization....and u want to accuse, but u noe u shouldn't be it hurts more cause ur a sensative person....make sense. with cruelety, u learn to be mean because u didn't like being sensitive, and during being cruel, u need to accuse things just so u wun get into much more trouble. and well it's because u realized sumthing dat u learn to become cruel...am i making n e sense so far? accusasion....accusasion isn't just simply a term, it's what everyone does, no matta what stage of lyphe u are at...dat's what lies are...dere are no lies, a lie is a lie no matta how you look at it......yeah, people tell meh alot of "white lies", and in de end....it only hurt meh more....what does dat tell ya about so called "white lies?" accusasion is just another word for excuses, people must learn to stop accusing and learn to see what dey can do if dey dun put an excuse on it. last one....reality....yeah....dis is when u hit rock bottom, but learn to survive da climb and cuts and bruises u make along the way. reality isn't a bad thing, for if it wuz, why would GOD have given you da bible filled with truths and realities of the world? have you eva thought of dat? it hurts because u are sensitive, but if you are still sensitive and learn to look at the world thru a bit "crueler" eyes, then well....it's da first step to sumthing very amazing. u haveta learn to balance everything. dose words dun seem to be stages for meh. den if you say dat, i've been going through all four of em since da begining of when i have my first memory. so in a sense, dese words are just words with meaning behind it. in lyphe everything hasta be balanced or u will be at one end of an extreme, like i am....but not realizing it. dat's all i have in reply to ur thought.