what can i say? if i wake up grumpy, stay away...because i'll scream at you.....hm...can't wait till monday.....

sighs sighs. i'm tired, i need a nap. sighs sighs. going shopping? sighs sighs. not planning to. want to be free, want to not go home. sighs sighs. but my home doesn't belong n e where here. yeah, getting baptized at christmas time. and maybe it's not my time to tell my parents yet. maybe i shall never tell them until they question me. sighs ishgs. maybe that's my problem, i don't tell them n e thing even though i know i should. maybe it's my fault that my family isn't sticking with the glue that it should be sticking like. sighs sighs. my dad's cranked up the tv volume so he won't hear my mommy yelling. my mommy slammed the door with rage. sighs sighs. i hate this. living in a torn world. maybe that's where i learnt to hide soo well. maybe this is where i learnt to be afraid of everything and everyone. maybe maybe not. sighs sighs. maybe this is where i learnt to hate family. maybe i jsut can't get over the past. maybe my childhood has caused me to despise my parents. abused childhood. yeah, the spanking bit wuz taken just a lil bit too far with the hair pulling, the slaps across the face, the words that i wuz pathetic. maybe.......sighs....memories. sighs sighs..

maybe that's why i've always despised being home. maybe that's why i've always wanted to be somewhere else. sighs sighs. where's the day when memories will be washed and all i have is this outter form? sighs sighs. why ask? i know it's not gonna happen. where's my day of pure true untouched happiness? sighs sighs. certainly it wuzn't with you wuz it? because obviously that day wuz way too short. sighs sighs. maybe it would be even betta for meh to be in a coma or sumthing, then i won't haveta see things or actually live as i'm apart of the world. sighs sighs.....at least then i'm still living, but just barely. sighs sighs....my daddy's driven the car somewhere now. slammed the door. my mommy's starting to yell at meh, sighs sighs, i would yell at myself too. sighs sighs. muhahaha.....i can sing most of the song in japanese now....muhahahah

sighs sighs. i hate this. my world is crashing down in front of meh again. my parents are arguing again. sighs sighs. can someone hide meh? sighs sighs. can i avoid this anger that brews in our family? sighs sighs. with every "family" decision it seems tome that my family gets more pulled apart. sighs sighs. how it would be nice to run away from all this. yeah, what happened to the happy family we once were?

well i finally found the english translations since i couldn't type the chinese one on here

Your last kiss had the flavor of tabacco
A bitter and sad scent
Where will you be tomorrow at this time?
Who are you thinking of?
You are always gonna be my love
Even if I fall in love with someone else once again
I'll remember to love, you taught me how
You are always gonna be the one
Now it's still a sad love song
Until I'm able to sing a new song

Time stood still, but it's trying to move once more
Full of things I don't want to forget
I'll surely be crying tomorrow at this time
I'll be thinking of you
You will always be inside my heart
There's always a place just for you
I hope that I have a place in your heart, too
Now and forever you are still the one
Now it's still a sad love song
Until I'm able to sing a new song
You are always gonna be my love
Even if I fall in love with someone else once again
I'll remember to love, you taught me how
You are always gonna be the one
Now it's still a sad love song

Now and forever


muhahaha=>:D:P i've always loved this song.....

i can't get everything out of my head. there is soo much i need to say, but soo lil that i can and should say. i'm not upset....but yet i'm hurting. i'm happy, but i'm sad. i've been contridictory ever since i can remember. there is no time like the present to breathe in and out. there is no time like the present to let go but hold on. there is no time like the present to just be. there just is no time like the present. sighs sighs. i'm not a good motivational speaker. i'm not a good person, but no one is. one can only try. and effort is never enough. you will only ever want more. i'm typing nothing now, because i'm simplyjust tired. sighs sighs.....

the world has never been a nice place after adam and eve
why have people changed it to adam and steve?
do you not know what to keep sacred?
does your conscience have no feeling?
does it not tell you what is wrong and what is right?
i've lost the sense to be poetic, and all i have now are words
words are all i have to express
words are all i have to comfort
words are all i have to be who i am
rise above the ashes
like the phoenix, you've done it once, why not again?
energy and determination is what is left, but even energy is low
strength isn't everything, nor is wisdom
where is your strength to persevere?
where is your wisdom to keep you on the right path?
where is your all in all?
if you never pick yourself up, u will never stumble
but never picking urself up and never stumbling, u will never move
if you constantly stay in one place, will it not rot beneath you?
are you already digging your own grave?
let the dead worry about themselves.
hypocrite is not for you to call yourself, but what others call of you
hypocritical, is not everyone like that?

sighs sighs...how many people are lost in this world of ugliness? how many people have feelen into pits that are near impossible to climb up out of? how many people fall into the temtations of the devil? how many people get hurt just because? how many people have become cold to all those around them? how many people have lost the sense of love, joy, peace? how many people have just lost it all? how many people are unable to see? how many people have lost the sense to hear? how many? how many? how many?

i stare at a pencil my friend lends me. and i can't help feeling that he feels like he's missing something. i look at my house, and i can't help it but feel as if it's moaning. i look at myself and all i see is this.....

...one who does not understand
...one who rises above the ashes
...one who has climbed out of the bottomless pit
...one who is yet fallen in another pit
...one who tries, but never succeeds to the point she want
...one who wants too much and expects too much
...one who loves and gets hurt
...one who will never be comprehended.....

to hold against you for your thoughts, i'm prolly angering you now because i'm writing about you. i always somehow end up writing about you because of ur thoughts. ur sick and tired of hearing me say this, but i miss you beyond the way any words can describe. i'm childish, but yet too mature for my age. looks can be deceiving. thoughts can be lived out by lies. words can hide your true intensions. realization of what i don't need to know, besides that prolly reality hit you once again. and reality always hits like a tidal wave that crushes everything in sight. you've been knocked one too many times hard in the face and just can't take it any more. GOD CARES. love is something u choose to do. love is not a feeling. love is not based on n e thing. love is now and forever. love is what most people hate. what pure love is, u have no choice but to love. pure love isn't just based on a physical appearance, pure love is not beneficial, it has no criteria. what love is, you can't hate, because it's something tooo pure to be destroyed by love.

sighs sighs, i can't help but feel the pain that you can go through, wuz i not once there? has not everyone been there at least once? has not everyone felt emotional pain? does not everyone fall off a bike? sighs sighs. philosophical my bum. i try to be just the way i am. you can't be loved by everyone. u can't be hated by everyone, unless satan touches em. but GOD has ultimate power, now and forever will. .......can't help but think that i'm missing sumthing....can't help but think that there's something that's gonna go wrong. can't help it.

i'll leave eveyrone with this one thought.....
what you can't change, u will never be able to. what you can change, u don't always haveto. but what you need to change, u will change.

hm....i'll do what a friend did
......to a struggling christian
......to one that prolly doesn't read my thoughts n e more
......to one that seems to be troubled
......to the one who has realized reality again
......to the one who has been there for meh always
......to the one that dares not express
......to you i will write the following

epiphany, the definitions
e搆iph戢搖y ( P ) Pronunciation Key (-pf-n)
n. pl. e搆iph戢搖ies
Epiphany
A Christian feast celebrating the manifestation of the divine nature of Jesus to the Gentiles as represented by the Magi.
January 6, on which this feast is traditionally observed.
A revelatory manifestation of a divine being.

A sudden manifestation of the essence or meaning of something.
A comprehension or perception of reality by means of a sudden intuitive realization: �I experienced an epiphany, a spiritual flash that would change the way I viewed myself� (Frank Maier).


the definitions for maturity
The state or quality of being fully grown or developed.
The state or quality of being mature.

The time at which a note or bond is due.
The state of a note or bond being due.
Geology. A stage in the development of streams or landscapes at which maximum development has been reached or at which the process of erosion is going on with maximum vigor. Maturity of a landscape continues throughout the period of maximum topographic differentiation or until about three fourths of the original mass is carried away by erosion.

the definitions for childish
Of, relating to, or suitable for a child or childhood: a high, childish voice; childish nightmares.

Marked by or indicating a lack of maturity; puerile: tired of your childish pranks.
Not complicated; simple.
Affected mentally by old age; senile.

realization....
The act of realizing or the condition of being realized.
The result of realizing.

well i'd type the chinese translation for first love, but stupid blogger doesn't let meh type it....so yeah...sighs sighs...

saigo no kisu wa
tabako no flavor ga shita
ngakute sutsunai kaori

ashita no imagoro ni wa
anita wa doki ni irun darou
dare wo amotterun darou

you are always gonna be my love
itsuka dareka to mata koi ni ochitemo
i'll remember to love
you taught me how
you are always gonna be the one
ima wa mada kanishii love song
atarashii uta utaeru made

tachidomaru jikan ga
ugokidasou to shiteru
wasuretakunai koto bakari

ashita no imagoro niwa
watashi wa kitto naiteru
anata wo amotterun darou

you will always be inside my heart
itsumo anata dake no basho ga aru kara
i hope that i have a place in your heart too
now and forever you are still the one
ima wa made kanishii love song
atarashii uta utaeru made

you are always gonna be my love
itsuka dareka to mata koi ni ochitemo
i'll remember to love
you taught me how
you are always gonna be the one
ima wa mada kanashii love song
atarashii uta utaeru made

well afta dat nite's rest, i don't feel completely recharged.....at least just a bit. muhahaha=>:D:P well i feel happier today. just that last night, skool really pissed meh off. so in the same sense, yeah, u get it.....i brought that mood to fellowship, wuz wrong of meh. sighs sighs. yupz yupz, not dat n e one asked meh how i was feeling or n e thing, but i'm used to dat now. not everyone in the world will care, not everyone in the world would neglect u either. or even if they all neglect you, u will always have GOD, because he cannot run away from you, accept the one time when all the sin of the people pulled him away from JESUS. sounds like two diff people doesn't it? muhaha=>:D:P, but it's not.....all part of da trinity. well eitha way......i'm gonna get baptized. yupz yupz. i may be a rotten christian, and i should develop betta relationship with GOD before i like get baptized, but i can't help it. it's something i know i must do, and so, eventually, i will haveta. and because it's a duty of a christian, there is no time like the present to get baptized, why wait and procrastinate? the joy of decissions, muhahaha=>:D:P i normally hate making big choices for ourself. muhahaha=>:D:P we are definately moving to like the area right around ken's present house right now. sooo hillarious. muhahaha=>:D:P

man, can't get ova it.....but i really miss everyone, in times of trouble, i'll just miss you people even more. sighs sighs. i don't dream, and when i do, it's not a dream but a dejavou or whateva or however u spell it. just yesterday, maybe it was the inevitable that i'd loose all my energy to keep a smile on my face, but whateva. sighs sighs. i now think i wanna stay single. i don't think n e one deserves the mood changes i go into. like i'd make people feel miserable. yeah tim, i am lucky. if i try just hard enuff to talk to em, to be a good friend, i always get who i want. but dat's just da ways of manipulating in a sense. i'm overly friendly, but a very good friend. muahahah=>:D:P tim....gonna miss you boi....sighs sighs...not that i'm gonna go n e where. muhahaha=>:D:P gonna move for sure, but this house will always be my house, my dream, my world. even though it's far from everyone, i know at least i'll find some joy in it all. sighs sighs.

missie you all enuff to get sick now. muhahaha=>:D:P i'll get ur email soon. muhaahah=>:D:P both of urs...muhahaha=>:D:P

sighs sighs, feeling stress from no one, but yet stress from everything and everyone. sighs. i don't know why, but i have a feeling as if something's bad or worst is gonna happen. i know i'm just like thinking too muchie. sighs sighs. i have this feeling as if the world is once more gonna crash down on meh again. i hate this feeling of no feelings at all. sighs sighs. i really miss you people. i don't think n e one ever even reads my thoughts n e more. the more i end up likeing sumone, the more i feel like i'm missing sumthing. sighs sighs. by just being the way i am, i've made myself sad again. i need something to punch, but i need something to hold. i need something to break, but i need something to build. sighs sighs. i don't know wuz wrong again, is this like just hormonal stress or sumthing? i think i'm becoming paranoid with everything now. i've become like a schozophrenic type of person, who either sleeps too lil or sleeps too muchi, or eats too muchie or eats too lil. if words could describe the way i feel, i must say it's beyond miserable, but it's before suffering. i'm just emotionaly distressed now. sighs sighs