IT'S MORE THAN LIKELY THAT I WOULD FRICKEN CARE.....SO JUST PISS OFF!!!!!

people say i take no inituative in making myself feel better. people say i don't take enuff first steps into making people talk to you. yeah. i'll be that recluse, i really don't care now. maybe loneliness is the way i'm supposed to feel. yeah. sighs sighs. i had a good week till tonight. sighs sighs. nothing actually went bad for me. args...why the hell am i pissed off, upset and sad, and depressed? why why why? args....words are sooo pointless and meaningless. args....i don't understand this.

everyone tells me to stop thinking. man, you think i try to think? what the fucking hell is wrong with this? man. don't people understand that i don't consciously? sighs. i just don't understand. what is wrong with me? why am i so unbalanced? why am i one minute smiling and then the other minute crying? why is it then that the following minute i'm yelling at myself? why? it's not bloody likely that i'd cheer up quick. it's not the end of the world to be unhappy, unless you actually do end your world. sighs sighs. you know, maybe all i need tonight is a large glass of vodka or sumthing and just sleep it all off. sighs sighs.

when i get attached, people don't understand why i should have a need to be attached. sighs sighs. people don't understand how important relationships are to me. i mean, friendship wise, family wise, and like everything else. i mean. people see how it affects my life, but they don't understand the impact. sighs sighs. people say you can never really forget ur first love. well you know what....when i said i'd never forget, i actually meant it, but the truth is.....it's like a scent that doesn't last forever. the tide does not stay in one place. the waves are constant and even in calm waters there is movement.

you don't want me upset, then stop ignoring me. sighs. conversations runs dry. relationships fall before my eyes. everytime i move one step forward...you run two steps away from me. you are horrible you know that right? i call you my best friend, and maybe you are undeserving. sighs sighs. no one deserves anything. no one. shall i run away tonight or shall i save up more money so that i can run away? shall i overdose tonight or some other time? is there no time like the present? thoughts, thoughts, thoughts....mere, minor, minuscule, worth nothing of your time. i post these thoughts for myself....and you may read if you like...but it's not bloody likely that you will. eww...bloody is such a british term....and i'll stick with my chinese slang thank you very much.

yeah, i'm sick of all this shit. no, sylvia plath has no impact on my life. i'm sorry to say, but i can honestly say, all here thoughts that were written at the age of 30, i've already come to think of it at the mere age of 16.....and many times even before that. and therefore, her words have no meaning to me. as all literary work, it is of no significance to me, besides what they are...a work of vocab and a work of understand. nothing more. gives no insight, no enlightenment, nothing. my mind is racked to think of words to depict the images that i see. there are not enuff. my short vocab list runs short and the scrutiny of my thoughts does no one good. you should heed a warning, if you aren't going to do anything about the way i think and feel, don't ever bother to ever read my thoughts again. i mean....sure you can read it...what good does it do you? absolutely nothing, so you might as well not bother ever again....why waste ur time right?

i mean......i feel like crying now....and i suppose i am. i suppose my tears have flown, but i feel soo numb that all the feeling of my limps and body i feel nothing. i mean, waiting for a physical form, i never have the patience for. but waiting emotionally, i can give you all the time in the world. sighs sighs. but the thing is....if choices were based solely on attraction or feelings, then you never based it on anything solid to begin with. sighs.....

my problems are petty problems. sighs sighs. no one actually comes to comprehend why i think the way i think. no one comes to comprehend the reasons why i'm sensitive any more. sighs sighs. i wanna set myself apart from this cold cold harsh world. i don't need a reason to be kind or nice, but obviously, people in this world don't understand. hm. honestly, if the world was mine to give, everyone would have it.

i have no one to confide with except myself. i have no one to run to except myself. yeah, i'm self-centered and self-involved. but is that not the truth. if you never watch for your own bak....there will be no one watchin for yours. you noe what i really don't like? i don't like empty threats. if someone is to scared to do what they say, they shouldn't be saying such shit talk to begin with. i'm sorry, but i really have minimal amounts for those that don't follow up on their words. i mean, when i threaten someone......you better pull me away as fast as possible, because i know i will throw a punch if i said i'd start a fight. everyone noes that i don't just say things. sighs sighs.

now.....i'll just go punch a wall in my sleep now. and i'll go have another talking dream where i'm all frustrated. i suppose no one will actually care. if i keep this up frequently, i think i may need to go to a doctor. i am constantly breaking down. i can't help this. i seem to have no more energy. but as usual, it's stress level rising.

you know, the truth is, i'm not afraid of anything outside of my house. sighs sighs. i think i've figured out why i'm always whimpering in the corner whenever there's a fight in my house....i finally understand. it didn't take you to help me figure it out. obviously you were no help at all. obviously you have ur own problems, and i don't blame you.

sighs sighs. i feel soo sick. i feel soo tired. args args. i feel soo weak. why do i feel so crummy. yeah....my nickname on msn currently is survival of the fittest? sighs sighs. and lately, i've been thinking about this. and more and more i come to think of it this way, i don't enjoy all that i'm doing. and everytime i come to think about the way i'm living, i am not fit to live. yeah, i've become a depressed fool again. my smiles seem so real, but yet not everyone sees. i mean, i may be content in the time being, but content is only being satisfied for a short while. i have CHRIST in my life, and no matter what, that won't change for i don't believe that there is any better than him. but the fact remains.....i still feel empty, which i know i shouldn't. i feel unhappy, which i noe i shouldn't either. i feel unfulfilled, which shouldn't happen, but it does because, well simply saying......when one thing goes wrong in my life, i'm like a ticking time bomb.

my best friend is going through ruff times. maybe typical for him. yes, he's always there to listen. and like everyone else, everyone i call my friends, have someone left no time for me. the only one who has time for me is simply myself. i have no one to rely on except myself. the harshness of reality. maybe that is why i shall never marry, for the fact that even my husband won't be there. i mean, strictly speaking, it's not that i need someone there 24/7, i need someone there when i need and when i don't need. the fact that you are willing to give the time for me is good enuff. sighs. who am i directing these thoughts to, i don't know. at the present moments, all i see are my failures in life. i mean, i don't fail, that's just not me. i don't do well, but i never fail. so basically, i'm seeing all the times when i could have done better. there is never the best, only ever better. so in the criteria, my whole life could have been differently. maybe if i had learned to be more feminine. maybe if i learnt to be more friendly. maybe if i had learnt to be more curteous. maybe if i had learnt to be more independant. all these maybe's and what ifs,

i don't know, in skool, i've always done well. i mean, i odn't have strong worth ethics like alot of my friends, but i do work when i can and need to. but lately, i just can't work. lately, i haven't been able to focus my mind on skool, not because i'm thinking ofpeople, i don't actually focus on anything. no, my mind is not a one track mind on sex as some people at skool may think. sighs sighs. does everyone live split lives? args args. sighs sighs. my life is like an open book, if you are willing to read the pages, then you'd understand, if you are unwilling to read, than well, you would never know. sighs sighs.

yeah, i've been having frequent headaches lately, and i've been having frequent nosebleeds. no i do not have a brain tumour. it's just simply that the air is dry, and i haven't had anuff sleep as usual. i strain my body and i lack the energy. i fall asleep in class and i fall asleep any where else. is my body lacking iron? sighs sighs. but i'm not anemic though, that's the thing. i have enuff supply of iron. sighs sighs.

what can i say......all my "i miss you's" they don't mean a thing. and all my "i love you's" are just simply words. i mean, for me....when i hear anyone saying it to me, it makes me proud. but i suppose my words means nothing to you. yeah. from a movie i was watching....."i finially figured out that having a broken heart hurt more than giving birth" and now i suppose it's true. my heart breaks time and time again. no, it does not break because i was in love, but simply, those that i did love just coincidentally disappeared. is there no time in the world left for me anymore? sighs.

muhahaha. i'm getting more and more tired. sighs sighs. args args. love??