people say i take no inituative in making myself feel better. people say i don't take enuff first steps into making people talk to you. yeah. i'll be that recluse, i really don't care now. maybe loneliness is the way i'm supposed to feel. yeah. sighs sighs. i had a good week till tonight. sighs sighs. nothing actually went bad for me. args...why the hell am i pissed off, upset and sad, and depressed? why why why? args....words are sooo pointless and meaningless. args....i don't understand this.

everyone tells me to stop thinking. man, you think i try to think? what the fucking hell is wrong with this? man. don't people understand that i don't consciously? sighs. i just don't understand. what is wrong with me? why am i so unbalanced? why am i one minute smiling and then the other minute crying? why is it then that the following minute i'm yelling at myself? why? it's not bloody likely that i'd cheer up quick. it's not the end of the world to be unhappy, unless you actually do end your world. sighs sighs. you know, maybe all i need tonight is a large glass of vodka or sumthing and just sleep it all off. sighs sighs.

when i get attached, people don't understand why i should have a need to be attached. sighs sighs. people don't understand how important relationships are to me. i mean, friendship wise, family wise, and like everything else. i mean. people see how it affects my life, but they don't understand the impact. sighs sighs. people say you can never really forget ur first love. well you know what....when i said i'd never forget, i actually meant it, but the truth is.....it's like a scent that doesn't last forever. the tide does not stay in one place. the waves are constant and even in calm waters there is movement.

you don't want me upset, then stop ignoring me. sighs. conversations runs dry. relationships fall before my eyes. everytime i move one step forward...you run two steps away from me. you are horrible you know that right? i call you my best friend, and maybe you are undeserving. sighs sighs. no one deserves anything. no one. shall i run away tonight or shall i save up more money so that i can run away? shall i overdose tonight or some other time? is there no time like the present? thoughts, thoughts, thoughts....mere, minor, minuscule, worth nothing of your time. i post these thoughts for myself....and you may read if you like...but it's not bloody likely that you will. eww...bloody is such a british term....and i'll stick with my chinese slang thank you very much.

yeah, i'm sick of all this shit. no, sylvia plath has no impact on my life. i'm sorry to say, but i can honestly say, all here thoughts that were written at the age of 30, i've already come to think of it at the mere age of 16.....and many times even before that. and therefore, her words have no meaning to me. as all literary work, it is of no significance to me, besides what they are...a work of vocab and a work of understand. nothing more. gives no insight, no enlightenment, nothing. my mind is racked to think of words to depict the images that i see. there are not enuff. my short vocab list runs short and the scrutiny of my thoughts does no one good. you should heed a warning, if you aren't going to do anything about the way i think and feel, don't ever bother to ever read my thoughts again. i mean....sure you can read it...what good does it do you? absolutely nothing, so you might as well not bother ever again....why waste ur time right?