i really miss everyone......i need some company.....i've been seeing my family everyday now.....and well.....just say this....when we're all together.....bad things are always gonna happen. i dunno...dat's da weirdest thing....four people family.....should be soo happy....hehehe=>:D but it's not.....but dat's enuff bad crap for my thoughts.....

to read my thoughts for today, start from the very first entry from the one with the earliest time.....

whenever i talk about such stuff of the past, i get cold chills, it's sumthing i'm not supposed to say, but i do because i need it outta my system every so often.....i suppose that's why my dreams freak me out soo much.....have i never told you that my dreams are more of visions??? there wuz one year....well....i wuz like 7 or 8 at the time......i went to p-mall....well p-mall then wuz a crappy lil structure.....it didn't have as many stores as it does now....not lil cubicles n e ways....but not near the walls either.....it had cubicles....not as many......i think by that time....pmall wuz still well kinda still building it's internal structures....but the dream wuz...dat i wuz with a group of random people with my grandmommy at p mall....u noe across from pmall or beside or sumplace, it has that lil sushi place??? well it wuz there in my dream.....yeah....but those people that i didn't know....i had no clue....

then the next day....i woke up....my parents said they hadda go pick sumone up.....yeah...so we did.....i went....those people we picked up....were the same people in my dream...we went walking in pmall......den we went to the sushi place...everything my grandmommy ordered in my dream guess what??? she ordered in real lyphe.......the only thing diff about my dream wuz dat i wuz different.....dat i could actually feel being meh.....but that's not important....i didn't d a think to change what i did in my dream....as if a force greater than i took over meh and held meh there like a puppet.....

now.....i don't have dreams regularly....i either go way beyond the point of dreaming or i stay in shallow slumber, the point is...everytime i have a dream.....it does come true.....cept those super chaotic ones after watching a horror flick....

but the thing is......dere wuz this other time.....when i had a dream about a police officer.....he stopper our car to give us a ticket.....yeah...the very next day....as we were driving down the same road...guess what??? the police which i had seen in my dream came.....gave us a ticket...gave a very friendly smile and left....just like my dream......scary yet???

sighs.....did i not tell you about that other dream i had???? the one about the two car accidents???? i'm not afraid of dying....i never have been and i never will be....the thought that scares meh....is what i see the peoples reaction......it makes meh weep beyond n e thing......i've always had to have an assurance that well....people still cared, that i'm not just sumone in the bakground that no one cares about.....but really.....what i saw makes meh cry just thinking about it now.....it could be two entirely different scenes or times....but one time i wuz in the hospital for a very severe car crash....sighs sighs.....just noe....i think i'm gonna be dying on a bed with a white covering.....it mite not have been a hospital bed....sighs sighs....but whatever.....u wanted to know why i wrote that will??? now yeah.....it's because of a dream....or a vision.....i don't know what it is.....at least i noe i'll live past 22......because in my dream....i swear i wuz 22....hahaha=>:D well whateva...signing off.....l8a......

yeah, my childhood wuz quite crumby......well prolly not as bad as others may be or seem....but being the person i am now...just think of a miniture version of meh......i mean....character not as strong, but u see developing character.....at the very young age of 5. i was never that totally satisfied kid with not a care in the world. to actually think about it....i smiled alot, not being happy, but because making others happy.....even at the age of five......grrr.....why am i sooo fake, but yet soo real??? well let's see....by the time i first started skool, bout like 5 i knew i wuz different...only because the rest of the world wuz white......where i had coloured skin.....at the age of 11 to 13.....i gave myself a fake name....wanting to be part of the different world that i never had as a child......internet gave meh the feeling of a different new identity....yeah....sumtimes u just want something so bad that u start living a lie.....i wuz that lie....by 14, i started to change....an angry gurl....a gurl who felt soo deprived, sooo much longing, but never receiving......i don't even noe why i'm posting all my tragedies on line.....i just feel like sharing.....i'm a self tormented and self tormenting type of person, i think, only to reflect. reflect only to learn...but learning, which ends up in feeling pain.....

as i child......i suppose i seemed happy, nothing else really mattered besides the fact that i wuz with family, but now.....i long to not be part of such a family, i'm ashamed of my parents at times....people say it's a stage of lyphe.....later when i'm older, i'll learn to appreciated them again.....but really....i've been ashamed of my parents since i wuz 7.......u noe why??? only because i wanted the tv family....the ever soo happy family that eats dinner together at the dinner table, that talks to one other....when that time did come....it came only too late.....when my family had a regular schedule when we weren't making ends meet....i wuz already 14.......angry lil meh.....that wuz only two years ago, and i can remember it as it wuz yesterday.....as i also remember the days when i wuz 5....as a child, i wuz also soo fake.....as a child, i wuz always angry, and sad.....i lived in fear.....scared of every movement....and so.....i suppose now as i've grown up, i've learnt to despise fear, i've learnt that i haveta conquer fear. yeah....to fear GOD is to give him the respect, so therefore, i give him the respect, i fear his almighty power, that's not sumthing i can change.

have u never seen meh making a big fuss over the tiniest problems???....well as a child....my fears always conquered meh.....the tiniest lil error or fault turning into the nastiest lil brutal situation.....yeah.....yo, u noe when i called u dat day, when i wuz in all tears and i could barely speak because my tears were like covering my voice???? yeah.....think of dat day....but instead, living constantly like that since a lil gurl......yeah.....i suppose it would be differnet if i were a guy......i woud learn to cope with it differently....don't u think so? i don't know.....i ask you, but ur not going to read this and answer me on the spot.

okayz....enuff with all dose quotation crap......
i find myself lost again aye??? well u noe....when ur lost in an amusement park where everyone is looking for you because they care that u are gone, but ur having the time of ur lyphe being freaked out on sum rides??? well that's prolly never happened to ya, but it has to meh.....got lost at like marine land when i wuz like 8 or sumthing......went to the roller coaster ride....all by myself....went to watch the show all by myself.....den i went to the lost and found....or at least the place where they told meh to meet....yeah.....my family wuz all worried and crap....but meh......wuz having the time of my lyphe....dunno why i remember this soo well....but the feeling.....it wuz like a thrill ride...better than n e roller coaster. hahaha=>:D

well i dunno.....u could use eveyrthing in describing sumone.....so yeah....whateva......for example......innocence could be paper....soooo white....sooo clean.....

okayz......wha da hell does XD stand for???? or is dat just a face with messed up eyes and a big mouth?!?!? i dun get it!!!! going to volunteer at the cs....hehehe=>:D thanx to jacky.....sooo proud of her....hehehe=>:D she makes meh happy....i mean....not dat way.....i'm not a lez....just as a friend....it's good to see she's growing up.......yeah....lyphe has ups and downs....and i'd like to be part of dat helping her through......as i like to do dat to you, you and you.....yeah....you ova dere......da one reading my thoughts....hahaha=>:D

yeah....everyone forgets that i exsist....maybe it's because of the location that i'm in....but even those living in my area forget that i'm alive and living in it....those that are far dun ever miss a chance to say dat i live in oakville.....just because i live in oakville doesn't mean that my heart doesn't belong with those in mississauga.....heck.....i could noe more dirt bout u not living in sauga yo......hahaha=>:D i would have it no other way.....i live in oakville....i have been since i wuz two and a half....so i would have it no other way.....so u can just screw urself if ur gonna diss meh up bout itz yo...

here.....a few quotes that i've adapted into my own system....
yeah....made by meh from other quotes, but fixing em up......

*lyphe's not worth being sumone else, u were made to be urself, so just shine in ur own light.*
*when u stop trying to be someone else, u'll find out ur true self among the ruins*
*when lyphe's miseries are too heavy for you to carry, don't carry them.....turn to GOD*
^yeah, that one above...don't get the wrong way.....GOD IS EVER PRESENT!!!!