yeah, my childhood wuz quite crumby......well prolly not as bad as others may be or seem....but being the person i am now...just think of a miniture version of meh......i mean....character not as strong, but u see developing character.....at the very young age of 5. i was never that totally satisfied kid with not a care in the world. to actually think about it....i smiled alot, not being happy, but because making others happy.....even at the age of five......grrr.....why am i sooo fake, but yet soo real??? well let's see....by the time i first started skool, bout like 5 i knew i wuz different...only because the rest of the world wuz white......where i had coloured skin.....at the age of 11 to 13.....i gave myself a fake name....wanting to be part of the different world that i never had as a child......internet gave meh the feeling of a different new identity....yeah....sumtimes u just want something so bad that u start living a lie.....i wuz that lie....by 14, i started to change....an angry gurl....a gurl who felt soo deprived, sooo much longing, but never receiving......i don't even noe why i'm posting all my tragedies on line.....i just feel like sharing.....i'm a self tormented and self tormenting type of person, i think, only to reflect. reflect only to learn...but learning, which ends up in feeling pain.....

as i child......i suppose i seemed happy, nothing else really mattered besides the fact that i wuz with family, but now.....i long to not be part of such a family, i'm ashamed of my parents at times....people say it's a stage of lyphe.....later when i'm older, i'll learn to appreciated them again.....but really....i've been ashamed of my parents since i wuz 7.......u noe why??? only because i wanted the tv family....the ever soo happy family that eats dinner together at the dinner table, that talks to one other....when that time did come....it came only too late.....when my family had a regular schedule when we weren't making ends meet....i wuz already 14.......angry lil meh.....that wuz only two years ago, and i can remember it as it wuz yesterday.....as i also remember the days when i wuz 5....as a child, i wuz also soo fake.....as a child, i wuz always angry, and sad.....i lived in fear.....scared of every movement....and so.....i suppose now as i've grown up, i've learnt to despise fear, i've learnt that i haveta conquer fear. yeah....to fear GOD is to give him the respect, so therefore, i give him the respect, i fear his almighty power, that's not sumthing i can change.

have u never seen meh making a big fuss over the tiniest problems???....well as a child....my fears always conquered meh.....the tiniest lil error or fault turning into the nastiest lil brutal situation.....yeah.....yo, u noe when i called u dat day, when i wuz in all tears and i could barely speak because my tears were like covering my voice???? yeah.....think of dat day....but instead, living constantly like that since a lil gurl......yeah.....i suppose it would be differnet if i were a guy......i woud learn to cope with it differently....don't u think so? i don't know.....i ask you, but ur not going to read this and answer me on the spot.