ah!!!! i miss ya!!!! ah!!!! if you noe who you are, i miss you soo muchie!!!!! arg arg!!!!! going insane. ur always on away. and when you do talk to me, it's for those brief moments before or after din din. arg arg!!! but i suppose it's teaching me sumthing, that i cannot rely on ne one except myself.

i hate it when my parents always bring GOD into our lectures. yeah yeah, it's not like i haven't heard it about millions of times now. arG! have i done something wrong to be yelled at everynite these past weeks? am i so wrong that i can't do n e thing right? what is wrong with me? arg! i'm prolly even failing skool now.

yeah u noe what? i pity myself. what winston said was very right, but i will not prove it. i'm being stubborn and trying to fight the urge to like skip skool. fighting the urge to just call the quitz. i'm fighting the urge to yell at people because i'm upset and tormented inside. i'm fighting the urge....the urge to what??? i don't know. i just noe that i did bad, didn't try...and that feeling, i've gotten used to it.

u noe, i have like an average iq? it's kinda kool. well gifted children have an iq of 135 or higher....and my iq....is a few marks below that.....only 125 though.....kinda low.....but the average is 118. well according to the iq test i took on line. you can't really ever tell if it's accurate or not. at least i noe i ain't too dumb. but wish i wuz smarter. but GOD made me the way i was just for a reason. and i suppose that's why i have really bad study habits, because i've never really needed to lift a finger in my entire lyphe. arg! i'm anger. now i don't even noe what n e more. does n e one wanna invest in buying me a nice big teddy bear that's nice to hug for me ma? cause i'kinda going nuts and i need sumthing to hug. yeah it's great of me that i learn to take out my emotion on something more constructive such as a hug that can build up someones esteem and not a punch or a kick like i used to.

will n e one invest money on me? i doubt it. but whatever. it could be a surprise. whateva. i'll invest in myself then....since no body really has much faith in meh n e more, since i have no faith in myself. yeah, i noe i'm capable to do much if only i tried, but the problem is, i'm not that type of person to stick around doing the same thing over and over again. i just can't handle it. and so, in the same sense, skool ain't for meh, but yet i need order in my lyphe. so i do not know

i'm bak the stage where i hate to do everything. i'm bak to the stage where i'm mad at everyone and everything. can't help it. skool teaches me to hide that hate and phase. yeah, and in return, i become a great actress in lyphe. hahaha=>:d if you noe what i mean, i love family, but i hate family. arg!

i want to be left alone. just alone for the rest of my lyphe. i have seemed to be like that my whole lyphe, and so shall it be. yeah, i exclude myself in everything that i do, why? because i just don't feel as if i fit in, even when knowin that those people like meh or whatnot. arg!!! yeah i don't understand. i just can't find it in my heart to agree with n e thing n e more. i just wann like run in a circle, get to dissy and pass out.

if u allow meh to say one thing more, i hate it when people look down on you only because they only see one part to a certain section of lyphe. they don't tend to see the full picture. henceforth, i hate that quality about my father, he doesn't care about how i get hurt, he just cares because i am hurt. he doesn't care about how i do things well when i try, he just wants everything to be well. arg!!!!

GOING CRAZY, GOING CRAZY!!!!

yeah, i update my thoughts alot everyday. but u really think i wanna? if i had people to talk to, den i wouldn't need to be like sooo pissed off all da time. if i had someone to confide in, den at least dat lil bit of stress would be taken away. yeah yeah, i hate natalie....but at da same time, she's still a friend. only being is, because she'll never understand what i've gone through. yeah, she says pain is nice, yeah, hell. it's not nice when u've been living it everyday of your darn fucking lyphe. yeah. excuse the profanity. i'm just pissed off rite now. this whole day is like going bad for meh, and so it shall forever be. i suppose this is one of the days when dinner goes well, but everything else wasn't. yeah. one of those stupif damn fucking days dat just get to me. arg! still have chem hmwk. too lazy. arg!!! going insane. arg!!!

my dad doesn't understand dat my pc like overheats cause da fan sucks. my daddy doesn't understand dat i'm a neat person even doe i may seem to live in a mess. my daddy just doesn't understand a bit of what i gurl my age wants. i ask of very little. just to leave me a lone, what every typical teenaged gurl wants. yeah. i'm typical, so what? bite my ass!

yeah, when i said i wish i was white last night when i was mad, u noe what? i haven't asked for dat since i wuz like 6 or 7. that tells you alot. yeah. i snap. but obviously people don't know how much their stupid words and stupid actions mean to me. yeah.

hm. if you are ever to read this, tell winston that well.....i still owe him that song, and that i've written a version for it, but he hasta come and help meh cause i'm not making it by myself. it shouldn't be all my work, even though he wants it as a present. yeah. i have it, but not written....he'll haveta learn to write music himself, since he says he already knows how. yeah, i'm mad, i'm mad at everything. what can you do? yeah, bite me! troubled? i'm troubled?!?!? yeah, in hell i am. i pity the person who just wants to take everything so damn fucking easy. yeah, the easy path ain't always the greatest way. i pity the person who just wants everything to be taken lightly, that makes you darn fucking stupid and careless. in careless, i mean, u have no heart to care about those who actually need the attention and like heart of another person. in pity, and in spite, i can say alot of things that will effect the relationships i have between alot of my friends. yeah, i say i trust you, and in fact, i do, can i deny that, no i can't. but does that mean i want to trust you? no it doesn't necessarily mean that i haveta, just that i do. i get hurt by everyone i trust and it is better not to trust because you noe they will fail you in lyphe at one time or another, but does it mean that one should stop trusting altogether? yeah. i'm going bak to the vicious cycle of lyphe that likes to bite my ass harder in the evenings than in the morning.

yeah, my family are people i can't agree with. maybe because we're all just too stupid to find some common ground. my mommy just wants to show meh the love she has, but in return, i just don't want n e of it. because i just can't handle it. yeah. i can't help it. i can't help it, i love that she loves me, i love the fact that she is my mother, but yet i despise everybit of me because of her and everyone else in my family. yeah, with strangers, i will always be closer to them then my family. yeah, it's not the right way to go in lyphe, but u think i can help that don;t you? well give me a psychiatrist. sue me why don't you. then i could sue u bak for emotional damage for the previous sueing statement. it's just an ass biting cycle that you haveta learn to agree with