memories

sighs sighs. was looking over some of my emails. for all that know how my inbox is arranged, i have folders for almost every message. i classify messages into a few sections.....sighs sighs. i was looking back at a pic that gigi once sent me. it's a pick with me and mel holding a hymn book and we were smiling like there was no tomorrow.

looking back on this picture.....sighs....i remember that picnic like it was yesterday. sighs sighs. i remember how winston went into the water to get that ball because it was the right thing to do....or at least i think it was winston....it was november when we were at that picnic. the air wasn't cold, but it was crisp. i think that was the day we went to go look at leaves. hahaha. we went hiking in the park. the youth went to scurrage around the grounds. we walked up and down the parking lot a few times. i was happy then....i was really happy then....i still had double eyelids on both my eyes.....yeah...after i cried for weeks on end.....one of my eyes have stayed constantly swollen and it doesn't drain as well n e more. sighs sighs...well i do have double eyelids on both my eyes when i'm extremely happy for days on end. but i suppose it feels like i'm still missing some part of my soul because of that encounter and occurance in my life.

some people say it's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. at first, i used to think this....but then after all this time, i think it's better to have not loved at all than to hurt for the rest of your life until you find something or someone else to fill that void. i don't want to go loving person to person trying to fill that loneliness that i feel. i don't think it's fair. maybe i won't be going from person to person, but when you don't love and loose, you are completely satisfied in your life. you are still somewhat innocent and life is satisfying when you don't loose someone you love and hold dearly.

most tramatic time in my life.....grade school......and grade 10 and 11.

so far, i have felt happiness many times in my life. the only moment when i was truly happy was for only a few periods in my life.

these days, happiness comes really quickly and feels sooo right, but it never stays tooo long because other issues in my life quickly out weighs all the joy. life shouldn't be torrents of joy and despair, but somehow, in my life....that's how every situation is handled in my life. sighs......what happened to staying calm and just looking at a situation before reacting to it? sighs sighs. i'm the fizzy pop bottle being shaken and is always about to explode=.=

ahhhhh....*blushes*

haha...the teacher gave my two percent to ben=.= that's why i don't have an 80 in english...freaking aye=.= sighs sighs. must ace this king lear test today. holy crap sooo nervous=.=

mr. lonely on replay mode......kinda sad....most definately going to the gym today. only doing cardio. yeah....yesterday i had an episode going up and down the stairs....holy crap.....i hyperventalated going up 2 flights of stairs=.= what the hell? why are my lungs sooo crappy=.= why am i sooo unhealthy=.= what the heck?

some guy made me admit to them that i liked them=.= well...technically, he figured it out by himself after he point blank asked me and i refused to answer him.....because i just couldn't say it....

convo
boy: wow, you're funny. why do you read your msn history sooo much?
girl: oh no no no, i don't read my msn history so muchie la....just this one lor. i read this one often
boy: okay...then why do you read this convo sooo much?
girl: haha, well it's kinda because i like this convo. i can't believe your parents hate me
boy: nah nah, my parents don't hate you. but why do you read this convo so often? what is it about this convo that makes you read it often?
girl: it's because i can't believe i said some of the things i did to you on msn that night....
boy: what is it that you said that you couldn't believe you said?
girl: oh oh, just read the whole convo with me then.
*both read and few minutes later*
boy: stop. i want to understand this line. i've gone through this convo in my head over and over, time and time again. this one line, i want you to clear up for me please.
girl: *reads and nods* oh....hahaha....i just can't believe the things i said...
boy: girl, you know that that one line can be misinterpreted? it can mean something really good and mean something really bad depending on how i interpret it. which way do you want me to intepret it?
girl: how can that line be interpretted negatively?
boy: not interpreted negatively. it's more the actions that follow that line can leave a guy feeling like a total idiot. you see, i could go after the person that said that to me, find out that she didn't like me at all, and be rejected....rejection=.=.....but....on the other hand.....i go after the person that said that to me, find out that it's worth it....and then...it's all very very good......which way is it? so do you like me or not?
girl: ah.....i refuse to tell you....*starts blushing and cheeks start hurting* i will not tell you.....ahhhh.....please don't ask me.....
boy: hahaha, by your reaction....i already know. hahahaha.
girl: booo=.= so you are satisfied now=.= booo=.=



well now.....that's it...hahaha. should have been reading snow falling on cedars...but....hahahaha.....didn't happen today....

Mr. Lonely

dunno....really hated this song the first time i watched it....and then i heard it on cat's site for the third time....and i'm like....oh....it's kinda sad, but it's cute....hahaha....so here people...the lyrics....

Lonely
I'm Mr. Lonely
I have nobody,
For my own (Akon)
Lonely,
I'm Mr. Lonely
I have nobody,
For my own, (Akon)

Yo....this one here, this one goes out to all my players man, ya know that got that one good girl man that's always been there man, took all the bullshit, then one day just couldn’t take it no more man and decided to leave

Yeah
I woke up in the middle of the night
And I noticed my girl wasn’t by my side
Coulda sworn I was dreamin’
For her I was feenin
So I had to take a little ride
Backtrackin’ on these few years
tryin’ to figure out what I do to make it go bad
'cause ever since my girl left me my whole life came crashin’
and I'm so,

Lonely(So lonely)
I'm Mr. Lonely(Mr. Lonely)
I have nobody(I have nobody)
For my own(To call my own no)
Lonely(So lonely)
I'm Mr. Lonely(Mr. Lonely)
I have nobody(I have nobody)
For my own(To call my own girl)


Can't believe I had girl like you
And I just let you walk right out of my life
After all I put you through
You still stuck around and stayed by my side
What really hurt me is I broke your heart baby
You a good girl and I had no right
I really wanna make things right
Cuz without you in my life girl
I’m so

Lonely(So lonely)
I'm Mr. Lonely(Mr. Lonely)
I have nobody(I have nobody)
For my own(To call my own no)
Lonely(So lonely)
I'm Mr. Lonely(Mr. Lonely)
I have nobody(I have nobody)
For my own(To call my own baby)

I Been all over the world ain't never met a girl that can take the things that you been through
Never thought the day would come where you would get up and run and I would be out chasing you
Cuz ain’t nowhere in the globe I'd rather be, ain’t no one in the globe I'd rather see
Than the girl of my dreams that made me be
So happy but now so lonely

Lonely(So lonely)
I'm Mr. Lonely(Mr. Lonely)
I have nobody(I have nobody)
For my own(To call my own no)
Lonely(So lonely)
I'm Mr. Lonely(Mr. Lonely)
I have nobody(I have nobody)
For my own(To call my own girl)

Never thought that I'd be alone,
I didn’t think you'd be gone this long,
I just want you to call my phone,
stop playing girl and
Come on home (come on home),
Baby girl I didn't mean to shout,
I want me and you to work it out,
I never wished I'd ever hurt my baby,
and its drivin me crazy cuz I'm so

Lonely(so lonely)
I'm Mr. Lonely(Mr. Lonely)
I have nobody(I have nobody)
For my own(To call my own no)
Lonely(So lonely)
I'm Mr. Lonely(Mr. Lonely)
I have nobody(I have nobody)
For my own(To call my own girl)

So lonely, (so lonely),
So lonely, (so lonely),
So lonely, (so lonely),
So lonely, (so lonely),
So lonely, (so lonely),
So lonely, (so lonely),
So lonely, (so lonely),
Mr. Lonely, (Mr. Lonely)