memories

sighs sighs. was looking over some of my emails. for all that know how my inbox is arranged, i have folders for almost every message. i classify messages into a few sections.....sighs sighs. i was looking back at a pic that gigi once sent me. it's a pick with me and mel holding a hymn book and we were smiling like there was no tomorrow.

looking back on this picture.....sighs....i remember that picnic like it was yesterday. sighs sighs. i remember how winston went into the water to get that ball because it was the right thing to do....or at least i think it was winston....it was november when we were at that picnic. the air wasn't cold, but it was crisp. i think that was the day we went to go look at leaves. hahaha. we went hiking in the park. the youth went to scurrage around the grounds. we walked up and down the parking lot a few times. i was happy then....i was really happy then....i still had double eyelids on both my eyes.....yeah...after i cried for weeks on end.....one of my eyes have stayed constantly swollen and it doesn't drain as well n e more. sighs sighs...well i do have double eyelids on both my eyes when i'm extremely happy for days on end. but i suppose it feels like i'm still missing some part of my soul because of that encounter and occurance in my life.

some people say it's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. at first, i used to think this....but then after all this time, i think it's better to have not loved at all than to hurt for the rest of your life until you find something or someone else to fill that void. i don't want to go loving person to person trying to fill that loneliness that i feel. i don't think it's fair. maybe i won't be going from person to person, but when you don't love and loose, you are completely satisfied in your life. you are still somewhat innocent and life is satisfying when you don't loose someone you love and hold dearly.

most tramatic time in my life.....grade school......and grade 10 and 11.

so far, i have felt happiness many times in my life. the only moment when i was truly happy was for only a few periods in my life.

these days, happiness comes really quickly and feels sooo right, but it never stays tooo long because other issues in my life quickly out weighs all the joy. life shouldn't be torrents of joy and despair, but somehow, in my life....that's how every situation is handled in my life. sighs......what happened to staying calm and just looking at a situation before reacting to it? sighs sighs. i'm the fizzy pop bottle being shaken and is always about to explode=.=