sleeping now....goodnight....hope things'll be better in a few minutes....

i don't know what's wrong with me again....but i can't help but to type up stupid things and post em......sollie...but i just can't help it. haven't written many thoughts in a while....and i just can't control myself.....i missed my ol blogger....

some people can't live without family
some people can't live without a life mate.
some people can't live without a friend
some people can't live without electronics.....
no one can live without knowing themselves
no one can live without accepting themselves
no one can live without loving themselves
no one can live without GOD

now blah to my thoughts...gotsta go sleeping now....

the only thing keeping me going????don't think there is.....loosing all of myself and i think i've already lost all of myself....

well i'm sleeping at twelve.......i think

i'm telling an almost complete stranger my problems......wow....it's kinda weird and kinda funnay....

sighs sighs......i'm not a happy camper.....

should be sleeping now....but can't.....i really wanna know why....all i want to do is become a drone and sit in front of pc all day and cry.....

hm

sighs....i miss the way i used to be....but then again before...i felt very shallow before too....

1....2....3.....4....5.....6....7...8...9.....10......i should feel better...but i don't....args...

i miss myself....i've become soo self-centered.....but why is it that no one wants me to do n e thing for them n e more? why do i calculate my self-worth being based upon others????why is it so important to me?

i don't know if my dream made sense.....but i had that dream before....when i was six was the very first time.....was i in the grass field then?

this dream happened on sunday night.....and after this....i was unable to fall back asleep because it disturbed me...because i remember the first time i had this dream....i wet the bed....and was crying when i woke up.....i was six at the time

if life is meant to be said as a journey, tough and confusing...then i suppose this is what the whole thing symbolized then.

in this time....i was running this race with one guy.....my best guy friend at skool....matt, a few other random people that i never saw in my life....but too distinct in facial features to be made up.....i am bound to meet them one of these days...because that is what always happens to me. don't know why i had him in this dream.....but maybe it was because we went shopping on that friday....but i have no clue. altogether this is my dream.

at first we were in a wide open field...we were looking for something....someone found it....so we ran........but i was made to carry it. then we came to a corn feild.....in a maze......the object....to go to the center...and every four wing of the maze to find five different objects.....we found it.....and yet again i was made to carry the objects.....the next scene....we were running through hot melting sand.....beautiful at first sight.....nightmare to walk on. here....we were to dive through the sand and find something underneath....sighs....my fear....water...but altogether.....it was only the first hot layer that really hurt.....getting past first jumping in was the hardest....it was refreshingly cold water underneath....we found it quick...and yet also made to carry this too. all in all....everything was getting heavier and heavier...harder and harder to carry....but i still carried with poise and grace. with mighty effort....but with great poise and much grace. i have no idea why my dream always ends here....but it does.....and everytime...i cry in my dream. the last scene before i wake up. i run with loads and loads to carry....am of course slower...but only about few seconds slower...and the last one is to go on the elevator to a certain floor and finish this entire mission. but i never complete it. my team ditches me....and i am left alone......not knowing what floor to go to....not knowing what level to finish at.....and since i do not know.....i step into the elevator....other people come and go......enter and then leave....but me.....i am lost and confused....and i am unable to move....i am frozen to the little corner seat where i am familiar with. i am angry that everyone has left me alone. i am angry and sad that no one told me where to go. i am frustrated that no one else helps me....and i wake up to darkness....everytime...i wake up right before the sun comes up around 4 or 6.....

for some reason....i had a reoccuring dream.....reoccuring to the sense that well.....everything that happened was the same.......but the person in it was different? is my dream trying to tell me something and that i am not merely alone?

wow....i'm selfish to believe that no one cares....sighs sighs.....

hm....you'd prolly read this....i know you always do. and i dont need to put names...cause i know who you know who i am talking to....and everyone else that knows me....knows most of my thoughts are replies to yours or me blabbing and thinking and thanking you.

hm...going to deviantart...after long time of internet and i see your name on a pic....and underneath.....saying christian......but even without those words....i think of light in a world of darkness.....whack.....maybe i just think in circles....

my tearstricken face makes me look more human now.....

i've lost my confidence....i've lost my smiles....i've lost my happiness.....what has happened to me?

every so often i feel shitty....and every so often.....tears rush down my face uncontrollably....sighs sighs....

sighs....what has happened to the open-minded me? why am i so anal? why do i have so much hatred? why why? why do i have so much guilt? why?

the truth is....maybe i never let anything in my heart to begin with. maybe everything is my fault in the end. it is i who trained my brain to tick in a certain way.....then it is my fault and solely my fault because i react a certain way.....

it is solely my fault that i break down and fall.
it is solely my fault that i cry because i am unable to bear it.
it is solely my fault that people treat me the way they do.
it is solely my fault that i am unable to train myself to have more patience.
it is solely my fault that all i do is blame myself.
it is solely my fault that i remain in this chronic depression because i am unable to fully dig myself out.
it is my fault that my mind is empty.

you walked a mile for me.....but would i be able to walk two miles for you? sighs....i know i can walk with you....but could i carry that torch alone with out anyone? sighs sighs. what do i struggle with? what is my problem?

if the world would just leave me alone....i think i'd turn back into the dust that i first came from.

logic should be simple straight easy to understand......why is it always twisted and hard to follow then?

if when i speak no one understands me....then what's the point of me trying to explain? if you know that the answer i give you will not be understood....why are you wasting my time and wasting my breath?

for some reason.....i'm struggling with everything and everyone around me......

i don't wanna be here.....i don't wanna be here......args args...

i don't wanna leave...but i don't wanna stay.....

i hate this....but there's soo much to love....

what the hell??? why the irony????

sighs sighs.....

dying is an art...and i have not mastered it as like some other people have......some people that are really into the whole poetry and literary world would know the very first line was from a famous poet named sylvia plath. sighs....my life is becoming more depressing like hers....hm. similar to her....cept that i have no major man in my life. i do not have horrible family problems. i have a hard time finding myself and understanding myself. i am not premiscuious....however the hell you spell it. or maybe i am....just not physically....but instead.....mentally....meh.....

i'm not afraid of death....i never lied about that.....but what i'm afraid about death is just the time at which i'll be taken away.....would it be the present, distant future or the close future?