at this very moment.....thoughts of everything and nothing come to my mind. my tears are still endless, but only within my heart. pain hits me like a slap across the face. sadness slowly reaps its way into my joints. i can't move....i'm sitting still typing away at the thoughts i wanna get out, but can't turn into words. i've become depressed. it's not sadness i tell you....because i noe no sadness, only in others do i see it.....i don't see sadness within myself....i see depression....i've only seen extreme emotions in meh.....besides anger that is......there are two stages to my anger.....half annoyed anger and total anger....total sadness which equals to that of depression and extreme joy....oh yes.....the feeling of nothing, or nuetral...the feeling of having no feelings. so extreme to the point that i feel useless and worthless which turns meh depressed, but whatever....the fact is....i'm a very extreme person. i see things in ways many people won't want meh to see em in. i'm not lacking in love, i receive love from almost everyone that i meet. i make friends easily, dis i noe well....for the fact that i'm willing to talk....but really.....maybe i share too much....people become afraid of meh.....but if you really cared about the person i am and the person i can become in CHRIST....then maybe u wun be afraid. jenny, brian, jean, bessie....where are you???? sighs.....ur one of those people that get sick of listening to my unhappiness/complaints but still sit there and listen only because u can't do n e thing for meh....u can only show meh sumthing, but it dun mean u'll get meh outta dat phase. can someone give meh a hug? i really need one.......sighs.....tears are welling up in my eyes now.....what must i do, what must i say.....i am too sensitive. maybe i have a chronic depression disorder or sumthing.....i feel this way a bit tooo often. i thought it wuz skool that wuz what caused meh to feel this way....because skool gives meh stress....but now i noe.....i feel this way only because i do and i can. sighs....i wanna be left alone....but yet i want people to be around meh....i'm afraid of being left behind....please....don't ever leave meh.....i can't take it if another person left my lyphe.....i just can't.....i'm falling apart at the seams as it already is.....i couldn't tolerate it if it happened.....help meh please.....i noe i need help.....

well, each and every nite while i sleep, i cry now. all these tears just don't go away. it's a pain in the ass. but i don't care. each time i talk to certain people, i wanna say that i will never call em bak, but each and every time, i do. but it just hurts. it makes meh feel as if i dunno you n e more.....dis is not for you, for sumone else. when u said, most people noe meh as how you know meh sabina, dat really hurt. we were more than just friends....or had u considered meh just another friend all this time. it hurts you know. i thought i knew u more than most....but maybe i'm wrong. there are just sum things that u were always unwilling to share with meh. where is my balance in pain. why am i always so tortured, even in my sleep. i can't have a normal phone conversation with you without becoming sad or depressed, it pains meh to hear the way ur trying to say that the way i view lyphe is wrong. all my lyphe i've been running away from people who say i'm wrong all the time, and yet i find myself loving sumone who does and all they want meh to become is an optimistic freak. is it wrong of meh to say that or is that the truth? i noe for a fact that u think i'm sad and depressing. well the truth is....if that's what's keeping meh away from you, i'd rather stay this way forever. i have said all my friends are optimistic, but many of my friends actually care about meh....unlike you.....u just listen because u consider them ur friends and you could care less......why is it like dat.....or is it i just care too much? i ask you how you are because i care, not because i'm prying into ur lyphe. yet u hurt me by saying u don't want meh in ur business and tell meh to stop being nosy. i'm not being nosy for ur information....i'm trying to care. don't u see that i have a limited amount of friends....or at least those that i'm close with.....actually i have a more than most really good friends....but the fact is....it dun matter....what matters is what u see in them that u dun see in urself.

each and everyday, my friends make meh happier, they let meh see things that i wouldn't have seen myself.....and to tell you the truth....i've seen a lot, i've felt alot, i've taken alot of shit from people, u think i give a darn? yeah....i do....so if you think i'm just a pessimistic freak head, then just bak off. u don't know meh if you think i'm all pessimistic. if you know meh well.....i'm very unrealistic in many times. all i want to do is help...i do have a goal....unlike wanting to go to skool and pass and such, but my goal is to help everyone. it's like becoming a saint, but why work on helping others when i'm the person that is in need of help the most? what i need is comfort. what i need rest. what i need i do not have at the present moment. like anyones hug, i just wanna fall into those arms and rest. and in the surrender of GOD, i will have that hug to rest.....as i write down my thoughts, it does not ease my mind. i'm crying endlessly now. my eyes sting because i cry at nite too. i don't have many problems. i just take things to heart, because i may care too much.

i don't have a good relationship with my parents. i haven't learnt to respect them as well as i should. my parents will always be my parents....there will always be a gap. parents are those type of people who nag at u when u do wrong because it is wrong. hearing it ain't pleasant, so instead i run away to my good friends who's words i actually listen to. in the surrender of friends i go to. to some, i've lived a life of happiness.....but to meh....i don't feel dat way....can i come over some time? i really need to go chill and ease my mind....and it seems to meh that being around u eases my mind the most.....hehehe>:D halfly cause i noe u dun care the way i act....unless i'm being inconsiderate or rude, which i wun be unless dey are inconsiderate and rude to meh.....but yeah......i just need sum place to run to. some place to hide....physically and mentally. yeah.....u say run to GOD....blah blah....typical......what i need are humans who know GOD that can help meh....thanx....and l8a

yeah i noe, dat thought ain't for meh, but i still have a few words to ur thought if dat's okay okay???

memories are those times which you have endured and kept in the bak of ur mind.....dose are memories if u dun want others to remind you of the pain. pain is a lesson that we learn to endure over and over again....it's sumthing that just happens....being reminded is often times bettter for ya....yeah.....it can turn u bitter against the person who reminded you, but in fact.....maybe u'll learn to love them more because they reminded you.....why look at ur memories and say they cause u pain, why not look at it as the way i've grown? and along that way, u get hurt.....which child who learns to walk never falls on dere behind? none rite?? falling on dere behind still hurts doe.....but they got past dat and still didn't let em get in dere way.....

on that unhappy note......i prolly never seen u unhappy.....but maybe i've never seen u happy either....yeah....that thought ain't for meh....but it still leaves meh questioning......but the fact is....who cares if ur happy or not.....if sumthing seemed really wrong i would ask or u'd just tell meh, u noe i'm dere for ya....so heck.....ur not talking to meh dere.....

okayz, about the way u treat others....that is sumthing that is in the bible.....there's a story about that.....it really just tells you that everyone's equal. u remember the workers in the field? well there were workers in this certain field since the early morn, and there were some that just came....but each got the same wage.....i mean....same wage according to the hours which they worked.....none are better, and none are worst....everyone deserves repect and trust and loyalty, it's not up to u to decide, it's what GOD thinks is rite and needed. if it were up to GOD, we're all sinners, why do you give n e respect to n e one? yeah.....stupid thought....just a question. it takes a year for people to get to know you....dat's what u say......i never really talked to you till dis year. haven't u ever noticed? but whateva...it's all kool....

unlike meh, u are unwilling to give ur trust away.....it's not based on who u think are worthy to trust. but then again, i would give the world to each and everyone i noe. u are unwilling to trust because u are unwilling to get hurt.....u noe....even those whom u believe are worthy of trust will fail you....it's the same with those you think are unworthy of ur trust.....why not give them a chance then? maybe their more trust worthy than u give em credit for.

chaning according to his wil.....u noe...GOD works in mysterious ways....His will encludes all those you meet, and all those that you don't. and those that you do are in a way, sumthing that he wants you to learn from em. everyone is experience in a form of a body. everyone has endured sumthing that he wants you to see because he mite not want you to go through it urself. a friend is sumthing you can endure and maybe an experience is not. so maybe in a way....learning and changing according to a friend sumtimes may work....but if you notice it brings u away from GOD, den it isn't working.

well physical scars go away, but emotional scars that cut deep within never go away......yeah...just sumthing i've learnt from experience....i would tell you my whole history as a person if you really wanna hear, but as most people, they could care less. they fade ever so slightly, but they are still intense. never does ne thing hurt as much as a memory, or what you'd call a reminder. but in ur sense, i see the difference, but to meh, there is none.....if it's an emotional reminder, each and every time i'm reminded, it hurts, but i look past the pain, that's not why u go through sumhing. u got through sumthing because u haveta learn sumthing the hard way. not everything is from books....but then again, the bible tells you alot of how you should be as a person....

i noe u said that thought wuzn't written to meh, but i still like to reply to it. i always learn a bit more from the way u write, the way u express urself, the way u think. but i also think there are more than just one way to looking at lyphe, so well basically, u could learn a thing or two as i reply to ur thoughts. but then again, there are a lot of things that you should learn as being friends with all the friends you have. so yeah.....i no noe. i'm here to help....may have caused anger, but on the long run....maybe not. i do not noe.....i like to reply to ur thoughts because normally when u write sumthing its based on sumthing you feel.....and sumtimes some of those feelings shouldn't linger too long or they destroy a person....or at least if the emotion takes over the person.......well dat's all i haveta say to ur thought....l8a