sighs.....jean, ur rite. i still like him alot. i don't know if this is what i can call like though. i still love him. yeah, i got hurt. i got burnt. sighs....will i ever learn to love again? or shall i always love him as if he was my only one? sighs sighs. yeah, people think i'm depressing, sum think i'm stupid, sum people just say move on. hey, if you ain't meh, then don't u even bother to tell me to move on. i noe i should, u think i don't want to? i will never let go, don't u even bother to tell meh to let go. because my memories will always come bak. letting go only hurts me more. living with pain numbs that feeling somehow. but yes, it does still hurt no matta how much i don't want it to hurt. so yeah...

i want you to know what i love you. it doesn't matter who is reading this, if i noe you, then i love you. love is always the same thing. there is no classifications for it. i can love a friend, and a lover, but in a different way, but both called love. love is only one sort, love is love. love is what is found in corinthians.

hahaha=>:d everyone's saying the same thing. hahaha=>:D we look like a couple. hahahhaa=>:d it's just a joke? or is it? hm......whateva....u will always be my friend. dat's da only way i'd ever want it to be.
hahaha=>:D don't wollie....sabby ain't falling for meh, unless ur falling for me. hahaha=>:D which is not possible. well at least what i think. i could be wrong. hahahaha=>:D my mandarin ain't tooo bad. hehehehe=>:d whateva doe.

yupz yupz....hehehe=>:D well dat's all i have to say la. nothing muchie. hahhaa=>:D it's alritez.

my msn nickie at the present moment says dis. ai bu wan. wo yi jing bu shi tai kuai le. tai yang bu shi tai liang. tian shang mei you gei wo qing tian. wo mei you xiao yong.

sighs sighs. every bit of that is true, if you can read and understand n e of it. sighs sighs. everynite, i break down and cry. my eyes dun stop the tears streaming down my eyes. and if they ain't streaming down my eyes, they'd been flooding my heart. sighs sighs.

u noe what would be the perfect gift? no, it's not sumone's heart. yes, it would be sweet. but what i would want would be actions to show that that person's heart belongs to you. yes. i'm just a lil kid with romatic fantasies that would never happen. u remember that movie a walk to rememba? i have my own list of things i would like to do before i die. hahaha=>:d and dey are all very sweet if you ask me. soo impossible because normally people dun like to do dat kinda stuff.

GOD is supposed to fill this emptiness i feel within myself. GOD should have been able to heal me, or have i not allowed him to? GOD should be my strength, my hope, my lyphe, my all in all. is he? it's easy to say you follow him, but to actually live as if you are walking with JESUS is hard. don't be hypocritical when u tell someone to follow him. unless u try harder and harder, den well everytime u say it, it should be a reminder to you more than to the person u are telling it to.

hm.....i have no clue. maybe it's just late and i haven't been getting enuff sleep. but whateva it may be.....i dunno wuz getting into meh. u can call me desparate, but whateva. i dun care. sighs. the truth is, i care about everything, i'm sensitive, but yet very cruel at the same time. sighs sighs

yeah yeah!!!! singing nite wuz a success!!! yeah yeah. i still can't hear my voice singing doe. i dunno which one is mine. does n e one wanna listen to it with meh and tell meh who it is ma? yupz yupz. hehehe=>:d i suppose dreams can come true, even if i'm not famous, at least the glory goes bak to GOD and i can still be famous within my church. hehehe=.:D yupz yupz. i dunno how i sound, do i sound n e good? hehehe=>:D well, i wuz dissappointed that not many people showed up, but i suppose dere wuz a meaning behind it. yeah, i wuz really dissappointed, but it's alritez. i've gotten over it.

yeah yeah, i don't even noe why i wuz sooo disappointed, i just noe i wuz. yeah. i suppose it's cause skool's starting, and i know that i will not spend as much time elsewhere this year. even though i have quite easy classes both semesters, i still haveta work hard. i must get nineties this year, because my goal is so. yes, i may not succeed, but does it really matter? as long as i tried my best, my all. i have promised myself that i would not go out unless i really felt like i needed a break from skool. i set my goals high knowing that i will not succeed, but i want to see how far i may go with my effort. have i not told you that i have never tried in my lyphe? the only thing i ever tried for was for personal relations. maybe that's why i'm always sad. i see that i will never be able to succeed in fulfilling the needs/wants of a friend in need. and i feel utterally lost. maybe i try to hard, and things just never go my way, it's just sumthing i haveta learn that lyphe will never go my way. but, i must tell you, every thing i've ever wanted, i got. i will never want you bak, don't worry about that. u will be nothing to me accept an aquaintance, and i noe the person i'm saying this to ain't gonna even read dis. so it makes no diff. yes, i will always love you the way i loved you from that first time i met you. yeah, u can say love at first sight, but maybe what i saw in you wasn't how funny u were. it wuzn't how nice u were. it wuzn't how fun u were to be around. what i saw wuz much diff. yeah, i wuz ur first. i don't care. normally first boyfriends or girlfriends don't last. only reason being because u dun understand or know how to treat or not to treat. u can only pretend that you do.

i don't know what to say. a part of me will always long for you bak, but i will never take you bak no matta how much i want you bak. i noe it's not meant to be and it will only end up in tears as it did the very first time. u will never ask for me bak. the most precious thing a girl can give away is her heart. once someone has taken it away, it's not sumthing that gurl can ever get bak. i don't tend to take bak my broken heart from you, u can keep it. i'll just let GOD do his job in healing the rip u caused. u didn't see what i saw in you. maybe i saw sumthing that u can never possibly find. maybe you don't even want to see what i can see. i don't care, but i care all at the same time. i gave you my heart, and u became afraid because my heart wuz too great for you. one day, GOD will give me someone who will be able to handle my heart. somone who sees what i see in him. someone good enough for anyones heart. he will be the only prince, and i, his only princess. GOD'll grant me someone'll who'll lead, but will follow all at the same time. i long for that day.

gar!!!!! i hate music!!!!! i wanna kill myself!!! grrr......
i've neva felt sooo shitty in a morning before. arg!!!! dis is a piece of shit. maybe it's just bak to skool denial or like shit like dat. arg.....but i feel soo much stress. gar....i just wanna arg!!!! by the time n e of you read dis, i'd be in sq1. yupz yupz, dun wollie bout meh, i'm fine. hehehe=>:D well bak to dat think about i hate music, i dun ate music, i just so happen to hate da music i'm listening to. japanesse, korean, mandarin, cantonese, english. i dun like n e of it. at the present moment, i hate jay chou music. it's sooo like similar to every other song he has!!!! gar!!!!! da only song i like is like sunnay day at the present day. well maybe i'm unastable. very unstable. will this constant change in attitude alway continue? i didn't slip, i take dives. sighs sighs.

yeah, all my thoughts are very long. i'm sorry about that. there just seems to be no other way to clear up most of my mind before i sleep n e more. it is not possible to call people and talk about my troubles everytime i have needs to talk to people. yes, people say they'll be there for meh, but i noe it's not true. u will not be there everytime because u either get fed up or u just plain think i'm annoying. maybe both, i do not know.

if i didn't care so much about everything, maybe i would be betta, i wouldn't be so unhappy all the time. i don't even noe why i feel this way, i just know i do. i want to sleep tonite, but there's just sumthing i haveta say before i do. i just dunno what it is. i'll just rack my brain of everything i have and then that'll just fix everything. sighs sighs....

one day, i will be a person locked up in a room with nothing to do except sitting there like a nut. at that time, i would be a nut. i can say, that really, i feel as if i dun die early, i'll just age very quickly, or i'll be sent to an asylum for intense depression disorder. i will not take drugs. i do not want to get addicted. so i would rather be depressed and blind to the world then to be distorted and "better" in the eyes of other people. i will not tolerate it.

if i had enuff tears to have cried an ocean, would i? if i had enuff heat to evaporate the sea, would i? if i had enuff strength to move the mountain, would i? would i cry those tears, would i dry that sea, would i move that mountain? could i cry the ocean, could i evaporate the sea, could i move the mountain? do i want to cry an ocean? do i want to evaporate the sea? do i want to move that mountain? i do not know. i wish i did, but i cannot help it. sihs sighs. i'm tired. gonna go sleep now....all the thoughts that i could possibly have today....so yeah...i'm sleeping now....good morning......

hope i dun get hit by a car crossing the street tom because of my tiredness.....well....l8a people.....

sighs.....

another person who's fallen into satan's trap. i've never seen a person so introverted that they are soo shy that they are unwilling to say hi to the crowd who is in front of them. as i said to jean, i've met intoverted people. i've met extroverted people. i've met sad people. i've met angry people. but i just never met a guy that wuz so introverted, so shy, so depressed and so angry before. maybe that person reminds meh of me from time to time. maybe that person even reminds you of you too. i noe at least i used to be that person. but the thing that causes meh to be a bit better above that crowd of depressed freaks is the fact that i'm willing to talk about it. even if it's just an online journal, at least it let's meh release my thoughts somehow.

people say i hide myself now. maybe those that i used to tell everything to. when u find the friend who is most compatible with you, you won't need to hide n e thing. and maybe if i hide and not tell you, it's because you aren't as compatible as we once thought our friendship wuz. yes, we will be close, we will always be close, but it's not sensationsal? i'm not talking to regular readers of these thoughts, i'm talking to those who randomly come on and read em once every few months or so. yes, we can be close friends, but i could not possibly tell you everything. there are just some things people don't wanna hear. no one wanna hear about those stupid sad times that people have once in a while, in my case, every two weeks or so. sighs sighs. one saying that i will remember for lyphe...."you can satisfy one person, but that doesn't mean u can satisfy everyone in the world." i dunno where i heard it, i dunno who said it in my lyphe time, but i just rememba it so well.

i can't possibly be there for everyone every day, every time. i haven't been here for myself to rely on. how could n e one possibly rely on me? i want people to rely on me, but is it possible. yeah, i can't find better words than rely and possible/possibly. those words at the present moment are very important for meh. maybe i caused myself to fall into thise already dug up pit for myself. i've just caused more road along the already narrow and winding, long path that i must take. sighs.

people say you can't love someone else till you love yourself. it's actually very true. if you do not respect or care for yourself, how do you think it's possible to love someone who isn't urself? sighs sighs. i must first love to love those who are very close to me before i will ever possibly be able to love n e one else. that's just da way goes.

well, here goes everything.

i had fun at the mall. yes...i suppose i did. as i always do, but i never noe what happens. sighs sigh. i used to enjoy shopping, but wuz wrong with meh, dere is definately sumthing wrong with meh if i dun even like shopping. sighs sighs. well, as i look at it now, as it is nite time, i notice a few things. one, i shouldn't have went to the movies. i shall never go to the movies again. watching movies in the movie theatres make meh feel sick. i dunno, but every time i watch movies in the movie theatres, i get a very bad headache, it's more of a migraine. sighs. u know how a migraine is like rite? well think of that feeling, but the only thing different, it only happens with meh with loud noises and big flashy lights. yeah, that's why i don't watch movies when it's dark. so it doesn't seem as brite. yeah, that way, it dun hurt my mind as much. it's scary, once i told the doctors these symptoms, he wuz afraid for meh. he told meh to take the menengitis shot or whatever. sighs sighs. told meh to eat more vitamins do more exercise. yeah, i can say i'm quite inactive, but i am not not fit.

secondly, i dunno why, but i felt bad. it's not like brian didn't seem to have a bad time. maybe it's just me that i like to make everyone feel perfectly fine, which he prolly wuz, maybe it's just gonna be meh. i just felt plain bad. i dunno....i made him walk/ run all da way bak across streets... sighs sighs. yeah yeah...it wuz great to like see ya again...for maybe da last time before skool starts again. cause i prolly wun eva be able to leave da house again till like a long weekend or christmas or march break la. i will just haveta wait...

thirdly, i just feel as if i don't fit it. it used to never be this way, i just feel plain outta place everywhere now. maybe i'm wanting too much. maybe my parents are rite, i have always acted as if the world has always owed me sumthing. maybe they weren't wrong. sighs.

yeah, i started crying on the way to da plaza to drop off brian. yeah, i started crying. i dunno what happened, but suddenly all this sadness came to me. thoughts that i haven't thought for ages came back to my mind. is there sumthing wrong with me? i enjoy company, but is it really all that good for me? maybe one thought that caused me to start crying wuz this thought. GOD doesn't like chaos, but why are all my thoughts in chaos? why can i not think straight? that thought put tear after tear in my eyes. i dunno what went wrong, but sumthing snapped today. sumthing i don't wanna see happen again, but i noe i will.