Friaday, April 29th

my day....it started at 6:30 in the morning. i woke up nervous and in need of more sleep. but, i decided to get up and study. i studied till about 8ish....and i gave up and fell back to bed. hahaha. i woke up at 9. i did my normal morning routines and such....and then prepared my way to school. i reached school by 9:30ish or so....so i just text messaged matt telling him how i'm a nerd and i'm gonna do more studying and such. hahaha. yeah....his response...what a nerd:P typical=.=

and so....period 2, english=.= work period...read 40 pagies in 74mins=.= args....i am slow....got sooo distracted with not wanting to read=.= on a good day....i can almost read a pagie per minute=.= args. well yeah.....just wasn't my day for reading....
period 3, lunch. yeah, went out with the ben and matt as normal. a typical lunch...oh wait...not typical.....they decided to go to wendy's instead of fattening kfc *shivers shivers* but i suppose.....still calorie packed lunch....went back to school by 11:45ish....studied for bio in library with the our bio nerdy group. hahaha
period 4..biology..test....one of the better tests that i felt more confident for....maybe tooo cocky and messed up every q=.=
period 5, food and nutrition. this class was a total joke. this class is always a total joke. as i sit there.....i become more anxious and anticipate what i knew i would ask....and i kinda expected the answer i got. sighs. rather sad....but yeah....i was happy happy happy....pretty much on top of the world....until after this period....sighs....*tear tear*
after school at 3:10. i purposely and patiently waited for matt by the lockers of jenny and them. see him walking toward the door, so i walk toward the door....yeah....no quesiton about it...i WAS to drive him home.
on the way home.....i raise the q....and whether or not he saw it as rejection....i plainly see it as that. i plainly see that he didn't want me. well technically....he likes me? or liked me? did he say likes me or that he liked me? sighs....i was tooo shocked at this moment, i can't even remember this part n e more....but n e whoo, i plainly feel that i just am not worth the risk. i plainly feel that i'm left hurt and alone yet again. i plainly see that i am sabina....and well i'm everyone's best friend...that's my fault and no one except mine.

yeah....i cried for about an hour or two afterwards...and then jenny's like...please don't sulk....so i decided to take a walk around the heights. then i sent a text message to val....and she calls me and tells me to go over to her house. hahah. good old days. keke^^:D:P SMILEY FRIES!!!!!! muhahaha....XPXPXP sighs.

now i sit in front of my pc with my msn on. i am typing away on blogger. jenny told me to express how i feel. val tells me to hide my feelings to make everything as normal as possible. me....i don't think i could accomplish either. i take it as rejection. i'm not afraid to get rejected to some degree. you might not see it as rejection...okie then...sit in my shoes....would you feel rejected or are my emotions simply unjustified? if you knew my whole situation...you might feel rejected too.

i don't know how to act now. i suppose we'll see what happens when i see him next on msn. and then i'll see what will really happen in person on monday. i still need to go watch a movie at someone's house for english....i don't know if i can....maybe i'll rent it myself. i don't know if i can face n e one. i think i will be wearing black all weekend and all next week.

some part of me has died yet again. and so....i'll haveta find a new part and dig up from a grave. i feel like hiding in a corner. i feel hideous to the world.

you may say that a guy is never worth a tear. and the guy who is worth the tear won't ever make you cry. but my tears are never inflicted by a guy, it's always caused by self. i will not mutilate myself. i will not inflict pain on myself no matter how great the urge. i will not find excitement in self-mutilation....i just will not. my body is a TEMPLE OF GOD.....that just isn't right. my problems are nothing great. my emotional state isn't important. i am not the center of the universe....nothing revolves around me. everything else will still move on....

i know YOU don't want me to think about it. hahaha, it's impossible for me not to. i can try to not dwell on what has happened, but i don't know how not to. i can try to pretend that everything is alright, but i might fail. i can try to make you feel guilty, but i'd feel like a bitch if i did that. i could try to forget you, but i know that i can't.

i suppose i won't survive because some more of my hope has already died, so technically, some part of me is already dead. but hey....i survived before...i can do it again.

i can't guarantee that our friendship won't be different. i can't guarantee that everything will be the same. i can't guarantee i won't be distant. i can't guarantee that i will be okay for the remaining school term.

it's my mistake. it's always my mistake.

my timing sucks ass....but is time something i can control? are emotions seriously something i can control?

sighs sighs....

i want to say leave me alone....but i know...if i did, people would leave me alone...i'll feel more like a loner and even more alone. i know i have friends....but no matter how many times i tell myself this, i still can't help but to feel just that alone. i know i am never alone because i have GOD....but what is knowledge and acknowledgment of your feelings when you never put them in action?

i feel like shit and i feel miserable. i feel like running away to a world where noone knows me and no one cares about my survival except myself. i feel like leaving and never coming back. hell on earth is during moments when i feel like this....self torment....

sighs....just leave me alone.......just leave me alone.....leave me to sulk.....
*gone to cry in a corner*

my dear blogger

hahaha. well now....i was seriously debating not to post n e thing on this blog about the way i feel. but then....val convinced me otherwise. she says, your blog is all you. your blog is all the substance you are. you cannot let the comments and opinions of others affect YOUR thoughts of WHO YOU are. and so.....my dear blog, i once again come back to you with my sad pathetic sorrowful sorry.

if my blog was a person, i think it would hate me. if my blog was a person, i think it would want me to stop with all the stories. if my blog was a person....it would say i'm pathetic. sighs sighs. if my blog was a person...there just wouldn't be a person that listens and never gives me advice. and so...the above entry will be of my day and night....