imma sucha kid

meh meh....it's almost 12....my parents think i'm still doing hmwk. keke^^:D:P lil to their knowledge, i'm just going on line for the hours i'm not allowed to go on during the week. keke^^:D:P oh wellz. keke^^:D:P i'm seeepecial! keke^^:D:P

sooo totally ewwie!!!!

yeah, the doctor said it was normal. my sister said it was normal. but i find it sooo disturbingly gross!!!! yeah, well, over this summer, i found like a cis in such an awkward and weird spot. yeah, the doctor thought it was weird too. and well, just to make sure, we had to do a full body check up just to make sure i don't have breast cancer or sumthing. sighs sighs. i hate full body checkups. i mean, i love my doctor and all, but still. i just hate them, and there's no way of avoiding them unless i keep myself in top spiffy shape! keke^^:D:P well, n e whoo. my doctor said that if there is an opening where the cis is attatched to, close to the skin, there may sometimes be liquid oozing out of it. can n e one say ew?!?!? args. yeah, after going to the gym, it's like the best time for this liquid to flow because you perspire and well, let's just say you should have good circulation. can n e one give me another ew?!?!? it just so happens that i have two cis' in the same spot, and then when you think about it, it's not that bad. but still, bodily liquid oozing out of a pore/breakage in your skin?!?! not to mention that these fluids are like internal fluids? ew!!!!

oh wellz. this is what happens when you don't take care of yourself. bah......that's my mistake....i should take care of myself, but i didn't because i didn;t think i was at all important.

Becoming Weird?

sighs, day in and day out, i'm becoming more and more moodier. sighs sighs. i don't understand. it's not pms....i'm like this like everyday. sighs sighs. one second i'm on top of the world, and then someone says something and it totally pisses me off. sigh sighs. don't know why that happens it just does.

and then now, each and every growing day, i hate everything.

i am growing to like being silent.

i am growing to like running and training myself to run for my life.

my ass hurts, my hips hurt, my legs hurt......surprisingly, my lungs don't hurt. well i only ran like about like 20 mins.......and i was walking for another 30....still at a quick pace. but still. sighs sighs. i don't really much like the treadmill. but i paid for the gym, so i will go and exercise.

if someone ever attacks me, i will be prepared. if someone chokes me, i will no what to do.

self-defence is an art. self-defence is not murder. self-defence is something that must be taught and learnt in order to do well.

i hope i will be prepared.

When Prosperity can't be Grasped

when prosperity comes, we often don't question it till it's gone.

prosperity isn't just wealth accumulated for doing good or bad deeds. prosperity is something that is given, and taken. honestly, most people don't understand how lucky they are.

i don't know, been listening to my chinese music as usual, and i'm i was just listening to the lyrics. keke^^:D:P

yeah, it's the one when she's talking about being blind or just seeing each other. keke^^:D:P old i know....so what are you going to do? sue me? keke^^:D:P oh wellz.

well i think this coming week is going to be a bit better i suppose. keke^^:D:P at least i'm in a better mood now than i was in the middle of school

i don't know, i think i've offended some people, and all i wish to say to them constantly is i'm sorry. but i don't know and don't understand why i'm sooo negative. i'm filled with so much hatred that it makes me question if i'm in the right mind.

i'm becoming someone hideous. i'm becoming someone of the world. i am becoming just another buzy body. sighs sighs.

well i'm going to get going now. sighs sighs. so very very tired. keke^^:D:P

905 to da 416

meh, i mean, it's weird that all my life, i have moved like 4 times at the least, but i don't remember n e of it. it's weird. but you see, each of these times that we moved, i really wasn't conscious of it really. you start getting memories at the earliest when you are three. but my memories don't even start till i was four, the first day of school. weird right? well yeah, all i can remember till that time was that i was always at home and always with my parents. i rmember that i used to get dropped off at alot of strangers houses for something they called "baby sitting". and then i remember going to school not crying until i got home because i felt sooo outta place.

so basically, i have never felt like i belonged n e where. as a kid, i felt that i didn't belong cause kids were racist. they laughed at me, they teased me. it hurt. and then, as i am getting older, those that are truely from hong kong, or china or taiwan or whatever, don't acknowledge me as being chinese, but simply a cbc. i really recent that title. cbc has always meant being a congee star to me. i do not believe i am a congee star. it's sad, but i simply belong nowhere except with the group that feels almost similar or exactly how i feel. i will never be truely chinese, and i will never be truely canadian. i will never feel like i belong. those that are chinese call me white. those that are white call me yellow. sighs sighs. i just don't fit it n e where.

i suppose that's why i have always been a loner in my life most of the times. sighs sighs. now i really try hard not to think about stuff like that n e more, but seriously, my past is really what defines me now. my younger years are what really characterized me. but i still think my mold just ain't dry or is still under construction. sighs sighs. so very very sad.

Watching Movies

well, i've been sitting on my ass all day so far. first starting to do my hmwk, and then just watching movies for the day. keke^^:D:P didn't get very far on my hmwk. oh wellz. meh. well i better start doing my calc hmwk tom n e ways. so yeah.

well let's see.

i have just finished watching enough for like let's count.....third, fourth time? man, i would really like to throw a punch like that. man. meh, need a personal trainer for that kinda shits. meh. if i was that determined....then well....something could happen. meh. i'm not as fit as i used to be n e ways. so yeah. keke^^:d:P yupz yupz. well i've been loosing weight, which is a good sign. meh. keke^^:D:P want to go to the gym with val tonight! she better call me to tell me that she's going. meh, she has her life, i have mine. but lately i don't feel like doing n e thing cept sit on my ass. it's sad i know.

well was watching the movie enough. i'm not really worried about myself all that muchie.....just worried about a very small thin fragile chick. i am tempted to post people's names on here, but for the privacy of all my friends, i can't post many of them. it's sad. well the point is.....well i think i can defend myself when in time of need, but would you be able to?

i'm trying to stay in shape, keep fit. just incase something happens that i haveta step in and put myself in danger. i don't have a stalker case on me do i? if i did, well, that's just creepy ain't it?
yupz yupz.

would n e of my friend help me if i was seriously beaten to a pulp? meh.....

keke^^:D:P

well let's see.

i still have alot of christmas gifts to make outta promises and outta love. blah.

i'm running outta ideas....i ain't great at tooo many things. sighs sighs.

i have no artistic skills, but i am rather musical for a girl that really doesn't have many motivations to do anything.

hm hm. let's see.

cat comes down to sheridan college like twice a week. keke^^:D:P well let's see, the only place that we can go to is like oakville place or down lakeshore. but me no noe how to take the bus. well from my school i can take the bus to like sqaure one. keke^^:D:P even though i have never done it before....it's bus 11 and then bus 27. so yeah. i mean, i've done it with katie a, but never by myself. well i'm willing to like go n e ways. keke^^:D:P or maybe i can tell her to meet up some place else! keke^^:D:P

yupz yupz. well i'm working on her christmas gift. keke^^:D:P i don't know if she'll use it. i just saw the colours and i was like....that's sooo cat.......so i bought it and started to like make it. oh wellz.

keke^^:D:P

well i'm alrights now. i think the only place i belong is at home trying to cheer myself up.

it's one now....val's prolly still sleeping...=.=

Oakville

for once in my life, i feel sooo great to live in oakville. see, i know for a fact that THEY don't bother to like come and follow me b/c they don't have any idea how and where the hell oakville is. for once i am proud to be an oakvillian. keke^^:D:P i never thought i would say that. that means all the racism i have put up with, all the snobs, all the old ladies spitting in my face is nothing, because i rather enjoy staying in a place where THEY can't get to me. i mean, they know where i live, but i spend most of my time at school.

my goodness, last night was soooo scarry!!!! my dad was like, are you sure no one came by the house?

i mean, my doggie's always barking at everyone at my door. and for once, i didn't see n e one walk by, but i heard noises. my doggie started barking. that tells you something. my dog just doesn't bark at random people. he barks at people who look unfriendly or pissed off.

it freaked me out because it actually sounded like someone was at my door too!!! but that was cause i was down in the basement so i couldn't see n e one. blah. oh wellz. i don't think n e one is like after me.

for once, i think loosing a friend like big person is alrights. i believe he didn't know he was protecting me by kicking me to the curb. as for little person, i just wish that he wasn't just a follower. he once told me that he himself did what others did if he felt that it made and kept him happy. what a selfish prick. well meh.

for val who always says to becareful who i trust. well i say that i can't. these people who i call friends/acquaintances are those that i met way before all this shit started happening. i know they care.....i mean, i have people after me one way or another...it's scary, but they wouldn't hurt me unless i gave them reason to. plus, you can't keep me from going to the authorities unless they killed me. and if i did want to shut up, i know you would prolly be the first one i called and you yourself would personally drive me to the police station even if i didn't want to go. i know that that's how you are...and i know that's what you would do even if i didn't want to. you do what's right for your friend, that's the person you are. you're a great friend. a very out-spoken, kind, caring type of person. but don't worry, nothing'll happen to me. plus, you and your people can always avenge my death if it does happen....which won't. keke^^:D:P yupz yupz. l8a l8a

My Happy Ending

*keke^^XDXP. reading these lyrics make me laugh. don't know why....just brings back hillarious memories, sad times....and most of all.....memories of my my greatest and darkest depression. but still, it's funny how i let myself pretend and be used and deny the truth to something i knew was happeneing from the very beginning. i just simply couldn't and wouldn't want to believe. basically, this song goes out to a few of my friends/acquaintences. basically, someone i knew sooo very well, and turned out to be sooo very rotten. sorry to say, i loved you, and i still do. but some part of me wishes you were dead.*

MY HAPPY ENDING

Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh...
So much for my happy ending *repeat*

Let's talk this over
It's not like we're dead
Was it something I did?
Was it something You said?
Don't leave me hanging
In a city so dead
Held up up so high
On such a breakable thread

You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be

[Chorus:]
You/he were/was everything, everything that I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it
And all the memories, so close to me, just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending
Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh...
So much for my happy ending
Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh...

You've got your dumb friends
I know what they say
They tell you I'm difficult
But so are they
But they don't know me
Do they even know you?
All the things you hide from me
All the shit that you do

You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be

[Chorus]

It's nice to know you were there
Thanks for acting like you cared
And making me feel like I was the only one
It's nice to know we had it all
Thanks for watching as I fall
And letting me know we were done

[Chorus x2]

Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh...

Crying Incessably

For some reason, my tears about myself do not fill my eyes n e more. The only time i start to cry is when i watch a movie, a documentary, hear of someone's death, or i feel or hear or see that people that i know or do not know facing problems, pain and trial. for some reason, i just don't start crying to my own emotion, i have no response except for frustration. why is it that it is soooo odd that it seems almost unnatural?

i don't understand this. i was never like this before. i used to not cry at all, but now, i cry about every little thing, but not things that happen to me. sighs sighs. i've become even more of a nut case about myself. sighs sighs. it's sad.

i feel a constant need of reassurance. i feel that nothing is pushing me up, and everything is pulling me down. but that's just me and probably everyone else in this world at one time or another. sighs sighs.

this year shouldn't have changed n e thing. nothing changed when i was in grade nine to 11, what makes this year sooo oddly different? blah......

well i'll make it to university, the question is where. sighs sighs. oh wellz.

Why!? Why!? Why!?

blah. lately, i've been feeling like crap for reasons beyond my explanation. sighs sighs. i don't know why i get frustrated so easily. i don't know why the smallest things tick me off soooo badly these days. i have no idea why i have become such an unforgiving bytch. sorry for the profanity people, i have no other way of expressing myself in friendly terms.

sighs sighs.

school should be going great for me. i should be having the time of my life in school now. has it become a school epidemic that people that have started school feel like shit?!?! most of the people i know that have started school are having such difficulties adjusting to the year's schedule that they are becoming, like me, pissed off, depressed, tooo anxious, and nervous. i don't know why, but majority of my friends are like bummed out. sighs sighs. i feel sorry for all of us. i still know that there are some happy people out there, just that it's not me. sighs sighs.

i know i will do well this semester, that is, if i do not slack of during n e time of the school year. nothing should come and go, and instead stay constant or else i will keep on defining who i am and question why i'm doing the things i do. but i know nothing in this world would ever be unchanging just because i willed it. i mean, the only way to have things unchanged and untouched is if i lost contact to everyone, and so the only change would be me. but i am unwilling to make that sacrifice. as i've said, my friends are my family. and my family is my life. so yeah......