when willy first told meh why winston wuz mad at meh, it really disturbed me. maybe i had nothing better to do, or maybe i just needed some assurance to keep me from falling tooo deep, but i just ran to my friends. tear covered face, swollen eyes, shaking hands, loss of breathe, racing heart beat. time, stopped.

thought raised to my head. u remember in civics when u had that lil spectrum of all the way the governments can be ran? well, at the same time, all i remember is that the two that stood totally differently platform wise, were so bent that it almost touched. they were both sooo extreme that they were almost sooo similar, and only were they separated by a certain action. it's confusing, but love and hate are only separated by one thin strand. and so yet, at the same time, my hatred and my love for the same person is separated by such a thin strand, they are almost one in the same now. sighs sighs. maybe i try too hard to be a non-conformist, and so yet, someone believes that i try to hard to fit in. sihs sighs. is it just because i care? does everyone want meh to be cold? does everyone want meh to be happy by drawing pleasure upon the misfortunes of others? just because the world is that way, does that mean i should be? the truth, no i don't, and yet, i'm angry because you're mad at meh and will not forgive me. at the moment i'm saying this, i say i will not forgive you, but i know, if you were to ever ask meh about forgiving you, i would just have forgiving you on the moment. so i don't know what's wrong.

i'm depressed again. but the light is always ever in front of me. so i know that i'm not too far gone yet. sighs sighs....

well let's see, i still feel pissed off. maybe not pissed off, but just a bit upset.

leadership class, they asked meh to name 3 people that i cherished, and put those three in order. hahaha=>:D:P do you know who i put down? i put no one. i don't cherish n e one more than i cherish n e one else. i debated putting myself down, but then again, i couldn't because i really don't cherish myself all that much, if i did, i would respect myself. hm.

then the teacher asked meh one thing, if i were to go to that person's funeral, what would be one thing that you would wish to say to that person? or what do you wish u said more? it's funny, because at that moment, only one person popped up to my head. and this wuz da person. a guy, a year older than i, who is annoyed with the person i am, and if he were to die and hold a funeral, i would still go, even if he wouldn't go to mine. and all i could say is, i still love him, and i still did care, even though he didn't care about me. he may say dat i try too hard to be accepted, but maybe that's the truth, but at the same time, it's not. it's not my fault that i care, i can't help but to care for you, because u have a place in my heart, even if ur lil space is supposed to be all scars and turmoil, i will not forget the things u still taught meh to be.

i come to understand that people think i try to hard, but many who have accepted meh for meh being who i am, have come to understand that i am not trying too hard, and that i am just willing to get hurt. maybe this is a letter for everyone to read, and weep, or maybe even laugh and point fingers at meh, but honestly, however i end up causing you to be, i just hope u think it's worth it. maybe i cause u pain, or annoyance, but i'm just being there because i care. maybe u think i care too much, but then maybe it's because u haven't ever understood the meaning of actually loving sumone and caring for someone.

maybe at the same time, i just think too much about everything. i just wish too many things would happen....but maybe that's just me