sighs sighs. i feel soo sick. i feel soo tired. args args. i feel soo weak. why do i feel so crummy. yeah....my nickname on msn currently is survival of the fittest? sighs sighs. and lately, i've been thinking about this. and more and more i come to think of it this way, i don't enjoy all that i'm doing. and everytime i come to think about the way i'm living, i am not fit to live. yeah, i've become a depressed fool again. my smiles seem so real, but yet not everyone sees. i mean, i may be content in the time being, but content is only being satisfied for a short while. i have CHRIST in my life, and no matter what, that won't change for i don't believe that there is any better than him. but the fact remains.....i still feel empty, which i know i shouldn't. i feel unhappy, which i noe i shouldn't either. i feel unfulfilled, which shouldn't happen, but it does because, well simply saying......when one thing goes wrong in my life, i'm like a ticking time bomb.

my best friend is going through ruff times. maybe typical for him. yes, he's always there to listen. and like everyone else, everyone i call my friends, have someone left no time for me. the only one who has time for me is simply myself. i have no one to rely on except myself. the harshness of reality. maybe that is why i shall never marry, for the fact that even my husband won't be there. i mean, strictly speaking, it's not that i need someone there 24/7, i need someone there when i need and when i don't need. the fact that you are willing to give the time for me is good enuff. sighs. who am i directing these thoughts to, i don't know. at the present moments, all i see are my failures in life. i mean, i don't fail, that's just not me. i don't do well, but i never fail. so basically, i'm seeing all the times when i could have done better. there is never the best, only ever better. so in the criteria, my whole life could have been differently. maybe if i had learned to be more feminine. maybe if i learnt to be more friendly. maybe if i had learnt to be more curteous. maybe if i had learnt to be more independant. all these maybe's and what ifs,

i don't know, in skool, i've always done well. i mean, i odn't have strong worth ethics like alot of my friends, but i do work when i can and need to. but lately, i just can't work. lately, i haven't been able to focus my mind on skool, not because i'm thinking ofpeople, i don't actually focus on anything. no, my mind is not a one track mind on sex as some people at skool may think. sighs sighs. does everyone live split lives? args args. sighs sighs. my life is like an open book, if you are willing to read the pages, then you'd understand, if you are unwilling to read, than well, you would never know. sighs sighs.

yeah, i've been having frequent headaches lately, and i've been having frequent nosebleeds. no i do not have a brain tumour. it's just simply that the air is dry, and i haven't had anuff sleep as usual. i strain my body and i lack the energy. i fall asleep in class and i fall asleep any where else. is my body lacking iron? sighs sighs. but i'm not anemic though, that's the thing. i have enuff supply of iron. sighs sighs.

what can i say......all my "i miss you's" they don't mean a thing. and all my "i love you's" are just simply words. i mean, for me....when i hear anyone saying it to me, it makes me proud. but i suppose my words means nothing to you. yeah. from a movie i was watching....."i finially figured out that having a broken heart hurt more than giving birth" and now i suppose it's true. my heart breaks time and time again. no, it does not break because i was in love, but simply, those that i did love just coincidentally disappeared. is there no time in the world left for me anymore? sighs.