rejection

well let's see...i was sitting on the swing listening to sad sappy chinese/korean/japanese music when this thought appeared in my mind. and i think this is the reason why i feel like shit after hearing that people want to pay me back...

here are my thoughts upon sitting on the swing that gives me headaches...

when i do something for someone, it all comes from the heart. when you say you want to pay me back with money, a little part of me smiles, but really, can a favour of the heart be paid back with money? something that comes from the heart can only be paid back in full by affection, care, honestly, trust and love. those are all elements that must be built upon time. when you say you want to pay me back, i smile because i know my actions have affected you in a way that you feel a tad guilty. it's not the guilty part that makes me smile, it's the part that you see that something just isn't equalling up with the way i treat you and the way you treat me. i don't want your money. when i honestly need money, i'll ask for it, maybe you'll give it to me as a gift, maybe not...but it doesn't matter....you may feel obligated to help me out, but the favours i do demand nothing in return. if you want to pay back the things i do, just give me your time, your trust, your love....so it's a relationship of friendship that may become strong. when i do a favour, i do it because you are my friend, and i honestly love you as a friend. oh wow, it sounds like it's directed to just one person, but well it's not.....when i help people out, i do it because i love them all. all my time, energy, superficial things, is not wasted because it is spent nurturing a relationship. the giving of my heart isn't what makes me upset. what hurts me is when my all my love seems to go down the drain. i'm not a person to ask for much. it is payment in full to have company and not be alone all the time. as i drove home today from school, i seriously started crying. why? because i know things will no longer be the same. at least in my perspective. i can't compete with the trust and bond between parents and child. i never do anything i am unwilling to do. if you ask me for a favour that i don't want to do, i will honestly turn you down, but sometimes, i may still do them because you asked me to and i love you too much to say no. maybe it's because i'm not good at doing n e thing. i am not exceptional. and i suppose that the only execptional part of me is being average. i can't do n e thing exceptional, and what makes me happy is knowing that i can help someone do something that they cant. maybe that sounds selfish, but i like to do the things i do. maybe i'm a naive little child with tooo big of a heart, but that's the way i am. maybe it's because i have seen the world at it's worst. if everyone were only to pay back love with money, maybe there will be people that will be really rich, but they only learn to do things for money. and as for me....i'd rather be the poor fool with the big heart, why? because then i know i am not controlled by money, and those that feel "guilty", i know i have left my mark in their hearts.

if i were to die tomorrow. would any of you cry for me as i am crying now?