wonder if i can ever understand why i feel this way. hm. confused and conflicted with self. couldn't sleep last night. must go to bed earlier. hm. talking to some person that well, really honestly, i should not talk to.

hit depression again, but what am i afraid of to begin with? why am i feeling like this? honestly, it's my fault that i feel this way, what can't i let go of? hm. i'm tired, and i hyave a splitting headache, but yet ijust can't fall asleep. i'm thinking way tooo muchie. and i care way tooo muchie. i can be way too nice and way tooo mean all at the same time.

in time, all emotions like this shall pass, but why do these resonating fears come back and never leave? hm. old music. bringing back stupid fears, bringing back hopes and dreams that will never be. hm. not kool to ever be so unhappy. i mean, i can smile, but what does a smile mean if nothing in your smiles means that you are happy? well i suppose val will cheer me up, she always does. that funny girl...keke^^. see, in my skool, there are times when i feel bad, but then come to think about it, the times at skool when i feel bad don't feel as bad as when i'm feeling bad at church. i constantly just do not belong. in a place where it is all chinese/asian people, i feel out of place, i'm too white. but while with a group of all white people, i feel weirded out too. my sister's coming home this weekend. she's supposed to teach me how to do my chemistry, but the problem is, she doesn't even have the time to teach me. sighs sighs.

i mean, there is just sumthing wrong with the way i am now. i've hated loneliness all my life, but yet i indulge in feeling lonely. i hate rap, but it's the only music i listen to. seriously, what you listen to makes you into the person you become. it's very true. and you can't say that music doesn't affect you. well for me, it really doesn't matter what type of music i'm listening to, i'll just feel bad eventually. hm. whateva. so very tired and sick and bored. my sister's coming home, my sister's coming home!!!! yaya!!!

sighs sighs....val's at three....val's at three. then prolly matt coming round to play the piano...yaya!!! keke^^
how great and fun aye? hm...want to eat lunch, but nothing in my house is edible. hm....

stupid boi problems, are you lying to me or are you telling the truth? args. please don't promise me something that you will not do, because it will break my heart. yeah, i'm easily heartbroken. hm...right now if you were to read my chinese nickname, it's based on a song, no duh....but yeah....good heart good payback....can't really translate it well.....hm....how i wish the day sof being little. but then again, thinking about it, even as a little child, i was very unhappy. when will the days feel shorter and be happier?!?! i mean, friends are alot in my life, but having no friends is also a lot to me. sighs sighs....how i wished i had someone that was exactly like me, but exactly different than me too. sighs sighs. hm.