sighs......i finally figured out why i am sooo afraid to see you....and count on my word......i know why.

i know some of those people out there are real friends. then there are those that that aren't my real friends. it is much easier to face someone who means nothing to you. it's much easier to face up to something you know isn't real. it is just easier living life if you thought that life in itself was not life. but i can't go on living like that. and i think i know why i feel hollow now. i constantly live life with a double standard. i continue to live life saying that there are "two mes." the thing about that is that there are.....sincerely and truly there really is.....but in order to live i must face everywhere and everything with the whole me. not just part of it.

now back to the fact of why i can't face up to you. for days on end.....i have really wanted to go out and take initiative and meet up. but really....deep down inside....i have this constant nagging feeling that i am doing something wrong. there's something that i have done to wrong everyone. sighs sighs.....it is my fault...it is my fault....sighs sighs....