sadly enuff, i have come to a halt in my life. i'm wishing to die. and no means shall i take my life though. sighs sighs. in this weather...maybe i should walk out with a white jacket....so either i freeze, or i get run over by a car. sighs sighs. what? i'm supposed to lie to my parent to comfort myself? i have no shame in telling that i failed? oh yeah, like i can't be confident that i did? my goodness. i have confidence in all that i do. that's just the way i am. just because i sound confident doesn't mean that i feel no shame...nor does it mean that i'm cold hearted.

i will most definately not play piano for my church. even though it's a service for GOD, i will never play. and the more people force me to play, i will not. i have no inspiration. what? just because i compose, it does not mean that i have a yearning. i compose on my own free time. i compose because i feel like shit. i compose because i have no means of letting out my horrible emotions out.

yeah, the same old problems. history always repeats itself no one bothers to read my thoughts, nor should they. it's not like many care. and even those that do, aren't able to help me because they don't know how to help me.

maybe i need a shrink. it's funny how the person that needs one most is the one who wants to become one. man, most people prolly think i'm bipolar or sumthing. sighs sighs. and that, i may say, that i can be. not that i am, but i might. sighs sighs. and if you don't know what bipolar means, it's something that's a hormonal and chemical imbalance in the brain. one moment, i can be the happiest person alive, and then the next moment, sad as hell. and then after all that happiness and sadness, that person would be suicidal in a blink of the eye. bipolar people are recommended to stay in the company of others. and it's best that nothing too tramatic happens in that person's life. a simple little dramatic thing can lead to very intense suicidal wishes. yeah, not being a doctor, that's all the simple stuff i know about being bipolar. and plus...i think i spelt it wrong....

sighs sighs. i think i'll go in the corner and weep a while now. no one seems to be one to cheer up my unpleasant mood right now. or maybe i should sleep and have unpleasant dreams. keke^^ you'd ask me how i can laugh at a time like this, the truth is, i can, laughing at how stupid i am. how i wish i was smart. sighs sighs.

in truth being, i'm just like everyone else. i yearn to learn, but i never have the stregnth to put for all of myself in anything that i do. sighs sighs.