thank you guys

sighs sighs.....i just don't know what to say. all i know is that i've caused pain for everyone around me....and there's nothing i can say except.....i'm sorry, but thanx for everything you've tried to do. maybe the results weren't instant, but it doesn't mean it hasn't helped.

reading over a chat log that i had just today.....and this one person says "like when you go up and talk to someone about your feelings/emotions...it just makes them feel this much closer to you...." and reading that.....it makes me see how much i've been neglecting everyone in the process of trying to figure out who i am.

time and time again....i get you people frustrated because you just don't seem to be able to figure out the way i was and why in a certain situation. and time and time again, i say i don't know...and i honestly can't justify myself with an answer because sometimes the way i feel is just simply just a feeling that means shit. "tomorrow i will change, and today won't mean a thing."

i'm sorry for causing confusion for you people. i know you care.......thank you from the bottom of my heart. it may seem that it doesn't help because i just don't talk and think in my brain the whole time i'm on the phone. it may get you frustrated that i'm not talking.....but just hearing what you say clears up my mind, even if it just makes me think much more at the time. i think it helps. thanx

simply put....i need you people......whether i like strangers or not, i can't treat friends like strangers. i can't have friends when i want them there and not have them there when i don't want them there....they are there whether i need them or not...that's what a friend is. i suppose....what i need is space and time.....and on the other half....i need attention. everything must be in balance or everything just goes off whack...and for now....must learn to balance. so.....i must figure things out by myself. i just haveta balance out every priority in my life and straighten up everything going on in my mind life and everyone else's life too.

today was such a wake up call. i can't keep closing myself up in a box because i feel afraid and ashamed of myself. if a bird were to stay in its nest every day, when will it learn to fly? the point is.....if i never get outta the nest and where i feel safe...then i will never fly and learn n e thing. it's the same as driving....the more you are afraid of it...the worst you drive...therefore, stay calm at all times, even when you are lost. and if you are like me, i get lost all the time, the key....stay calm and just relax....... no need to get myself tooo riled up over nothing. must learn to stay calm and patient.

no one is alienating me.....but i alienate myself......for reasons.....psychological punishment i assume...grrr...hate myself...but haveta learn to love myself and treat myself better. but all at the same time i must learn to not be self-centered and selfish.

i'm nowhere near perfect, and i'm not the only one in this world that is like this. we will get through all this stuff together. we may not always agree. we may not always be on the same page. we may not always totally understand each other. but we have each other to learn from. we can't experience each and everyone's mistakes by ourselves. i know it sounds corny.....

from the bottom of my heart.....thank you guys sooo muchie. well now, all i need is some pms pills and i'm all set and ready to go. so yeah......lub you guys soooo muchie. you are all so good to me.