why can't i sustain happiness??? why can't i sustain peace at heart??? why am i sooo troubled???
why do i have such a reoccuring dream??? i'm scared....not scared to die....just scared of why this is happening to meh.
i'm confused.....
chilling for a day with a great friend let meh see things in ways that i never actually saw things....
we always say how much we are similar....in ways....yes.....but even in similarities....there are many differences....
hahaha=>:D i am addicted.....yes....not to drugs no duh.....u weed smoker....muhahaha=>:D j/ks j/ks....CUT BAK ON DA WEED SMOKING SMART BOI!!!!!! BUHAHAHAH!!!!!!! the thing is....i have no clue.....ur analogy is smart.....i suppose.....but elastics do snap....and when they do.....the elastic will never be the same again unless it wuz melted and made bak to it's original form.
sighs....i dunno....u say you read all my words trying to take in everything......hahaha=>:d i say, my words are stupid.....and dey hurt like a sword that has no handle.....it hurts meh along with the person i try to poke at.....episode 55....i suppose it's a good meaning.....what u see mite not what i see.....i suppose dat message is sumthing i should take into heart....u see.....what gets you through lyphe ain't what gets everyone else through dere lyphe......or another message would be....there are times when everything could apply at a certain point in ur lyphe.....
in the same sense....i mite be totally getting into like da wrong meaning with that episode.....but hey.....i haveta admit dat it's still a strong message altogether....likely as all anime contain harsh teachings most times....just depends if u put ur thought into thinking behind the words that were said.
like wise, words can just be plain words....determines the length the person thinks.....determines the way the person on the inside is.....

i don't have many words n e more.....i suppose church brings meh no joy at all......or maybe.....just the chruchie i'm in brings meh no joy cause all i ever wanna do when i'm in dere is run out. sighs....my heart feels sooo divided amoung sooo many.....i've scattered pieces of meh in those around meh....and it seems that only a handful has return me bak to me.

once again....i fall apart...wishing to be happy for a longer period of time....my daddy says i'm always soo dazed and unthinking....sighs...if only he knew how much i thought.....i wish i would be dazed and not thinking.....just a dream now. i would say i would always be myself....but the truth is....i wanna not be meh...and i am willing to go though life as sumone without the money or lyphe i have.....i feel soo tormented.....

forgetting.....i say i wanna forget....but i can't.....yeah.....i wuz laughing...yet....u prolly knew dere's sumthing hollow bout my laugh....sighs....i'm just a hollow bag of skin and bones......sighs...wait....if da bag wuz empty dere would be nothing in it....man...bad example......i'm just a bag of skin and bones.....with a mind that thinks way too muchie for a gurl at the age of 16......of course....i'm still younger dan ya....muhahaha=>:D

unhappiness is a repelent of lyphe.....u don't enjoy n e thing when ur feeling down.....it's just a waste of time to feel down i noe...but really.....i think there is sumthing majorly wrong with meh......maybe i have chemical imbalances.....maybe i have a brain tumour....blah blah....prolly not......hahaha=>:d everyone just thinks i have major mood swing problems....but i noe otherwise....i swear the only place that prevents meh from thinking is when i'm at work....when all i haveta handle is the boss who is an ass-bitch....well i dunno......when i'm distracted with other peeps' thoughts.....i dun seem to think as much and feel as miserable.....when i wuz with you last nite.....i wuz distracted i suppose......watching all those anime......muhahaha=>:D my eyes hurt....j/ks j/ks......grrrr to dose anime episodes......makes meh think....man...need sum brain washing cartoon dat gets everything outta my mind cept da lil character on da screen....wait...dere is one....SIMPSONS!!!!! muhahaha=>:D

being with you finally showed meh what i wuz missing......i don't lack character......i don't lack independance.....but i am also dependant as hell when it comes to certain things.....or else...why would i follow you around like a lil lost puppy yesterday????did you notice dat???? cause well being me....of course i noticed....i guess i lack guidance and support.....i have that from CHRIST....or at least am supposed to....but i've become insensitive to his words....i guess i noe what GOD is trying to do to meh now....he's trying to knock my wall down with my own thoughts and my own way of thinking......so far.....it hasn't worked.....but maybe he has a betta plan....wiat.....of course he has a betta plan....i remain insensitive to my family.....but am i insensitive to those who i call my friends??? i don't really talk to n e one n e more.....did you notice dat??? if i wuz still in grade 8 and i wuz over....u know...u'd get annoyed of meh cause i wuz soo loud and never shutting up......but now....i don't even talk...
dat's da thing.....today....da only words i spoke were....i'm fine.....*fake smile* i'm fine.....i suppose when i don't smile...and don't talk...dere's always sumthing wrong with meh....i've even told peeps dat it's true....hahaha=>:D but it hurts....cause even doe dey noe i ain't okay....all dey can do is act as if dey are concerned and ask a simple question and then leave.....even who i considered as my good good friend didn't say n e thing....she asked meh what wuz up and i said nothing......i knowing that she knew there wuz sumthing wrong with meh. it hurts meh to see how unconcerned peeps are.....not everyone is willing to burn themselves along the process of fixing....it's like the handy man and hitting his thumb with a hammer.....
why am i always the one that must take the first step.....why can't someone else great meh with open arms and an open heart??? i'm getting sick of all this stuff......i always haveta be the one to walk the first step cause everyone else is afraid......and even when i dun take da first step....no one moves.....dis is just bs......i suppose i only have like 2 true friends....and both of em are totally concerned bout meh....not that everyone ain't....but that they actually take the first step to ask meh and continue asking even doe i say nothing. the rain is getting harder....and it's starting to flood....i can't swim for too long.....can someone just toss row a boat along so i can get in??? my parents used to tell meh that i haven't reached the shore line yet....and that i'm just floating in the big big ocean......i suppose they are rite....cause my shore is upon the ground i stand being flooded.....the ocean occuring because of my tears and those that i cannot cry out...the tears u have within you may be what drive you....but those that i have cried and those that i have not cried are flooding meh...what i need are one of two solutions...or maybe both...one being the sun to evaporate all the water....or two....a life boat that will forever float and carry meh in it.......do you think i'm being reasonable????

the ocean is always full......never will it be empty, but the tears i cry only ever add to the ocean volume which i am unwilling to swim.
i will continue living in question and in doubt.....my answers to lyphe are simple textbook answers which i have, just never applied.....lyphe doesn't agree with meh cause i lack the willingness for change......but in many ways....i've changed drastically.....n e one care??? nope....oh wellz.....